Often, minutes before the wedding ceremony, the bride/groom question whether it’s “really” love? “Am I doing the right thing? etc." If the couple is in-communication with each other, and their respective parents, they will verbally share such considerations and in so doing, recreate the experience of love.1 If not, if both are addicted to withholding significant thoughts from each other, then the couple have become stuck doing their imitation of communication with each other. That withhold, questioning love, that possibly brilliant valid thought withheld, that deceit, will non-verbally affect the relationship negatively; the very first withhold (including the one you cause him/her to withhold from you2) begins the divorce process.
All divorced couples withheld an equal number of thoughts from each other on their first date (there are no exceptions to this phenomenon). Withholders are programmed to attract and seduce withholders; we unconsciously look for a partner who will compliment and perfectly mirror us, specifically our integrity. I.e. Honest but not too honest, truthful but not uncomfortably so, committed to having the world work but not too committed, acceptable religious/philosophical views, and matching/acceptable food and drug use/preferences. Withholders have an implied non-verbal agreement between them—that it’s OK to withhold certain thoughts, for reasons—and to blame the other for deceits such as infidelity.
It’s easy to know if one’s love is experiential or if it has become conceptualized—if it’s a memory of an earlier experience of love. I.e. "I know I love you but I haven't experienced it since . . .":
The test?
- Are you withholding one or more significant thoughts from your partner? If yes, then you are causing him/her to withhold an equal number of thoughts from you. One cannot experience the experience of love if there is deceit in the space.
- Did you introduce your “steady’s” parents to your dysfunctional parents? —to do so is a covert disrespectful communication—it's not a gift of love and appreciation.
- Did you force your parents on his/her dysfunctional parents, submitting your parents to spending holidays with people whom they would never ever socialize?
- While dating did you con each other into deceiving both set of parents so as to have sex?3
- Did you notice that his/her parents were stuck in an abusive relationship and, that your date didn't hug either parent?
In this case what’s missing for both is an experience of love with ones parents; the concept of love is there, however it's been a long time since either has had a full blown emotional experience of love. It’s virtually impossible to create and recreate the experience of love with anyone if one's relationships with his/her parents are incomplete; if there are no warm hugs, if respect and admiration is missing. No loving person would submit his/her parents to anyone who would deceive their parents, parents who are abusive, racist, sexist, argumentative or in-your-face political or religious. Put another way, if you are withholding one or more significant thoughts from your parents then you will find yourself withholding certain thoughts from your partner and, causing (yes causing) him/her to withhold an equal number of thoughts from you; withholds serve as barriers to the experience of love and to manifesting ones stated intentions.
Withholds are premeditated abuse. A significant thought you withhold from your partner keeps them incomplete; they don't know what's missing, only that they are not experiencing the love that was there; you're not totally with them. Part of your mind is preoccupied with protecting a withhold. Whereas warmth and openness give off pleasant vibrations, deceit gives off mixed signals—confusion, doubt and less-than-satisfaction.
If your parents break agreements, if they communicate abusively, if their addictions negatively affect you and others, and if you have failed in your attempts/offers/suggestions for therapy, then the responsible way to date is to estrange yourself from your parents until they complete your therapy requirements. To date: "I won't be introducing you to my parents. I don't want them around my children. Is that OK with you?" In other words, if you allow your child to interact with them they will teach your child how to withhold.
The communication curriculum for life, relationships, and society includes completing our incompletes; acknowledging (and being acknowledged) for our good and bad deeds (so that incompletes no longer accidentally, karmically affect present-day outcomes.
1 The questioning was in fact the self reminding the mind that there are incompletes, withholds, that need to be communicated verbally. Had they got together and shared their doubts they would have discovered that he had hidden his herpes from her and that she hid the fact that her parents physically abuse each other, that her family was by any standard dysfunctional; and, that she had been non-verbally enabling the abuse. Keep in mind that it's impossible for only one partner to be withholding a significant thought from the other. A person addicted to withholding always always causes their partner to simultaneously, unconsciously, withhold an equally significant thought from them. FYI: In this scenario, although they experienced love as a result of the clearing, the couple decided to not get married until she had responsibly estranged herself from her dysfunctional family, and he, through coaching, had located the incident after which he began his addiction to deceiving.
2 One's integrity is such that they automatically create a safe space for truths to be told or they cause others to withhold significant thoughts.
3 Love at the beginning of a relationship is predominantly a bio-chemical reaction, pheromones, dopamine and endorphins are in charge and love just occurs. What then "happens" is the withhold addicts simultaneously, unconsciously, withhold their first thought from each other. The word "happens" reminds us that both have accumulated so many withholds throughout life that their programming has taken over; they've lost their ability to be spontaneously honest. Like one's first lie, the first withhold didn't seem to have a negative effect. I say "predominantly" because few couples at the beginning are skilled at creating and re-creating the experience of love via interpersonal-intrapersonal communication. Couples from loving families are used to experiences of love, respect and appreciation throughout each day; whereas love and affection-starved couples, who seldom, if ever, hugged their parents, are blown away by the "awesome new" experience of love.
Examples of withholds:
- on the first date, one has a plan or firm decision to have or not have sex—but has not said so up front.
- herpes or other significant physical/mental health, possibly deal-breaking, issues.
- one's family is dysfunctional.
- a prior abusive relationship.
- a history of using or of being used (you have not insisted on Dutch treat with all dates).
- addicted to withholding—a history of lying and deceiving—significant withholds with ones family.
- prior sexual or physical abuse in the family.
—each withhold a possible deal-breaker.
Note: A young adult who hasn't warmly hugged his/her parents for a long time, or who "A" frame hugs their father and mother is emotionally bound-up, they are not in-communication with their parents; they are addicted to withholding certain thoughts. They simply can't sustain open, honest and spontaneous communication, zero significant thoughts withheld, in close relationships.
Last edited: 1/4/24