Must-have conversations during your engagement

Precluding predictable problems
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Gabby
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Must-have conversations during your engagement

Post by Gabby » Fri May 06, 2005 10:44 am

Conversations to have during your engagement

The following is excerpted from the free Relationship Communication-Skills Tutorial.
Here's a list of 15 different conversations tutorial participants are encouraged to have during their engagement. Each conversation includes personal coaching with the tutorial coach. If you are afraid to bring up some of these topics with your intended you will not be able to sustain the experience of love and satisfaction in your marriage.
Here are three conversation topics:

1) To spank or not spank our children?

Just what are you going to do if your spouse spanks your child? Perhaps you grew up in a household where spanking was not considered abusive so you might consider spanking appropriate, ". . . but only if it's necessary." Have you told your partner your beliefs about spanking?

Spanking is what a parent resorts to when he/she has lost their ability to produce a desired behavior lovingly through verbal communication. Spanking always reveals that the spanker, and the enabler, have thoughts they have been withholding from each other. The spanker has accumulated withholds and upsets that have not been verbally communicated responsibly; he/she is stuck in blame.

Children have no choice other than to mirror the integrity of their parents. Misbehaving and unsatisfactory performance in school are how a child brings to the attention of his/her parents (eventually community authorities—i.e. Columbine) that they (the parents) have lapsed into doing their imitation of communication. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon.

There is a way to communicate, a communication model, that creates a context at the beginning of a relationship so as to preclude the necessity of spanking.

2) Shall we have a prenuptial agreement [a document that outlines the splitting of the possessions in the event of a divorce] or not?

Is your mind open to conversations about a prenuptial agreement or have you unconsciously shut down the space for communication to take place? Does your partner know intuitively to not bring up the subject because he/she knows you'd use it as proof of lack of love/commitment? —the partner who is unconsciously masterminding a divorce will use this logic to manipulate the conversations away from such discussions.

The profession of divorce lawyers indicates that most couples don't have conversations about who gets what prior to their formal engagement. Most women incorrectly assume their partner agrees that the support person, the one in service to the other, the one who stays home and creates space for the other to generate income, deserves 50% of everything.

Perhaps you believe that if you can manipulate your partner into divorcing you (to covertly cause them to cheat on you) so that they will feel guilty and be more generous during the settlement. Shock is the price of arrogance.

3) Shall we co-create a Fidelity Agreement—a unique marriage vow that precludes cheating and other unacceptable behaviors? Note: For decades most vows have contained a non-verbal implied agreement that cheating will be allowed and forgiven. Approx 35% of married couples end up divorced; most could not conceive that cheating would take place in their unique loving relationship—such arrogance begs to be humbled.

If you discover some of your partner's solid beliefs too late it will be the beginning of the end of the experience of joy and love in the relationship—perhaps some laughter but no experience of joy.

If you are able to have these kinds of conversations before the marriage it will reduce the possibility of many arguments later. You will also discover if you or your partner are solidly entrenched in belief systems that will stop the experience of ever-expanding love that comes through communication (true intercourse).

The difference between "communication" and talking?

As a skilled talker you will begin destroying your relationship by withholding a thought, eventually causing your partner to shut down, to withhold certain thoughts, worse, you'll drive him/her into the arms of another and blame your partner for the deception.

Lasted edited 5/17/19

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