- The majority of today's parents are withholding one or more significant thoughts from each other.1
The majority of today's parents are teaching their child to deceive them and others.2
All divorced couples withheld significant thoughts from each other on their first date.3
The majority of parents are addicted to blaming, to making each other wrong, to abusing, and to setting it up to be abused.4
The majority of adults are hiding one or more significant thoughts from their parents.5
Upon graduation the majority of education majors (teachers) had one or more deceits between them and their parents.6
As a young person there are certain conversations you need to have with your parents else you'll bring your fear into all relationships—for life. Look around and see if there's anyone with whom you are completely open, honest, and spontaneous. I suspect that you, like most teens, are afraid, embarrassed, or ashamed to acknowledge some things and thoughts to your parents, for fear of ... Your parents have accidentally taught you to deceive, to be afraid of communicating spontaneously. Possibly they have led you to believe that as teens they were better behaved, more honest, etc., than you. Trying to live up to another's unrealistic expectations leads to drugs and deceitful teen sex. This, because your parents are hiding certain perpetrations from you, and from each other. The karma for deceit is always undesirable.
Your mission Captain Teen, however impossible it may appear to be, is to create space for truths to be told thereby having many more moments of happiness and joy each day. Your job is to teach your parents how to communicate with you. ". . . and a child shall lead them." Be courageous, ruthless, and insistent, else they will die not having taught their child to be open and honest with them.
The way to create space for truths to be told is to tell the truth.
Following are conversations to have with your parents so as to be able to inspire your eventual partner(s) to be open and honest with you. How you presently enter and stand in a room, without saying a word, determines whether or not others will hide certain thoughts from you. Put another way, people are no more honest with you than you are with your parents.
Get answers to these questions from both parents:
Begin with, "Mom ..." and then ask the same question to your Dad.
- ... did you have sex before you were married?
... did you deceive both sets of parents so as to have sex or did you have their permission?
... what was the worst thing you ever did? Did you ever tell anyone that you did it?
... what was the worst deceit you ever perpetrated on your parents?
... what thought did you withhold from dad/mom on your first date?"
... did either of you do drugs when you were a teen? Did you have your parents permission?"
1 They are deceiving each other. They pretend to be open and honest (and expect you to be) yet both are withholding an equal (yes, both and equal) number of significant thoughts from the other. With 44+ years, thousands of hours coaching couples, I have not found any exception to this phenomenon. They have unconsciously taught you to deceive (via their non-verbal leadership communication-skills).
- Couples, when they first meet, have no history between them (no prior upsets, no broken agreements, no unconscious make-wrongs) and so love "happens." As the relationship continues they begin to accumulate withholds, thoughts and judgments between them, upsets that are not completely resolved. These withholds (these incompletes) serve as barriers to the experience of love. They still love each other conceptually but days can pass without anyone in the house experiencing the experience of joyous love; they know they love each other but the love has become conceptualized.
2 Evidenced by the fact that the majority of dating teens con each other into deceiving both set of parents so as to have sex. All infidelity can be traced to the karma, the consequences, of an earlier verbally unacknowledged perpetration—such as unacknowledged sneakiness with ones parents. The "victim" of marital infidelity usually cannot see how he/she (using his/her leadership-communication skills) drove their partner into the arms of another, such is their addiction to blaming. Such abuse began with a single unresolved interaction, usually on the very first date, the leadership-communication skills he/she brought to the relationship.
3 "significant" meaning, a thought which if verbalized would cause distancing, upset or anger. Such a thought withheld is usually considered a deal-breaker—he/she just wouldn't date you again. Examples: Herpes or an STD, prior physical abuse, police record, you have children, someone (another) would be upset if they knew you were dating, expecting/planning to have or not have sex, and the biggie, a dysfunctional family from whom you have not responsibly estranged yourself (a family addicted to blaming, abuse, and arguing, one you will submit your partners to)—definitely not a gift of love. BTW: We are always communicating our withholds non-verbally. Others experience us as completely open and honest or somewhat emotionally bound up. Read Must-reads for engaged couples.
4 There are no "victims" or "bullies" with spouse abuse, only co-conspirators, both blaming the other for starting the fight. With spouse abuse there are always two "victims" both using their leadership-communication skills to goad and fight.
5 The test is to ask an adult (ideally your parents) if they are hiding one or more significant thoughts from their parents. Most children have not been acknowledged for what was probably their first lie, Mom: "Did you brush your teeth?" Or, the typical blaming childhood lie, "He started it." Or, to the question, "Did you do your homework?" to which you replied, "Yes." But you knew then that you had done a half-assed job. Or, "I'm going to the library." but you knew that the library was just the meeting place to go elsewhere. Most all parents hide certain specific judgmental thoughts they have of their own parents. I.e. A parent is thought to be judgmental, unethical, racist, bigoted, selfish, ignorant, stuck in "victim," etc. —all of these judgments are communicated non-verbally daily.
6 The curriculum for education majors (teachers) does not address the correlation between personal integrity and outcomes, ergo, virtually all teachers are withholding one or more significant thoughts from someone of significance. Students mirror the integrity of the adults around him/her.
Last edited 1/4/24