Most children approaching puberty reluctantly endure their parent’s home-grown B 'n B talk. I.e. Teen: "Mom!
I already know that stuff." Most adults today are still uncomfortable2 reading, hearing or speaking words such as vagina, pussy, cunt, penis, prick, and cock. A person who is comfortable talking about sex doesn't react any differently when he/she hears the words spaghetti or cunt. For most people, certain words still have a somatic charge (blushing or uncomfortableness—avoiding steady eye-contact—so as to avoid the uncomfortableness that comes from discussing thoughts being withheld). Most partners hide thoughts from each other, such as the fact that their high school sweetheart had mastered oral sex, or was great at ..., instead, an estimated 30% - 60% communicate their disappointments non-verbally often by seeking extramarital sex, partly because something (the joyous experience of true intercourse) is missing.
For generations parent’s teachings about drugs and sex have been conflicting and hypocritical; “Do as we say." (not what your mother and I did.) “Just say no . . .” etc. Most B 'n B talks have had the agenda of abstinence or preventing an unwanted pregnancy; few mothers, or fathers, inform their teens about foreplay and climaxes. Many teens grow up to become, as did their parents, ignorant performers.
The majority of parents do not communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously with each other—both are withholding an equal (yes both and equal) number of significant3 thoughts from each other—and so their children, now as adults, have remained stuck performing the same rudimentary high school sex, doing their imitation of intercourse (virtually no purposefully-long eye contact,4 no synchronous breathing together, and few or no moments of joyous ecstasy generated through authentic intercourse).
Most former teens, now as grown-ups, perform sex while thinking thoughts; thoughts communicated non-verbally serve as barriers to experiencing intercourse. Seldom does one partner say, "Let's take a break, I've got some thoughts floating around; I find myself preoccupied with thoughts of trying to make you come." Or, mo betta, "Let's do a be-with first." A be-with empties the mind; it creates space to both create and experience sensations, and, to experience the experience of love.
The majority of parents have become stuck doing their imitation of communication with each other; they teach their children to lie and deceive evidenced by the fact that most teens con each other into deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex behind the backs of their parents. This deceit (the very foundation of the relationship) has undesirable consequences (breakdowns in communication) throughout the relationship.5 Even now, most parents are just beginning to acknowledge the correlation between personal integrity and results (such as health (COVID-19), happiness and prosperity, including their child's school grades); subjects of integrity and dating ethics were not covered when they were teens.
Birds 'n Bees 2.0
Before beginning your B 'n B talk you first must do The Clearing Process so that you can invite your spouse/partner to do it also;6 then you both can do the Clearing Process for Couples together. Then you can take turns doing the Clearing Process for a Parent and a Young Person/Teen with your child. The free clearings are about restoring/maintaining one's integrity.
- Why is personal integrity important? One can't be certain if headaches, thwartings, broken agreements, flat tires, even your child's poor grades, are a consequence of an out-integrity (an unacknowledged incomplete or perpetration) or, if it's about your leadership-communication skills. Clearings help restore and maintain everyone's integrity. The process creates space for others to be comfortable with you, to tell you the truth, to not withhold any significant thought. You'll notice that when you first begin the process with your partner or your child that they cannot look you in the eyes other than glancing quickly. They, like yourself, are carrying around hundreds of withholds/incompletes.
Begin your B 'n B talk with all the stuff you think they should know, what your parents failed to talk about, and the following:
1) Assign your 11-yr-old the task of researching the costs of a baby—prenatal through to age 18. Give him/her one week to hand you their list. Reminder: Helping creates dependency—however, you can suggest they use Google. If their list is missing many expenses simply tell them to keep looking, that there are several more important expenses. The list of expenses will include typical prenatal costs (classes, books, vitamins, scheduled doctor checkup visits), birthing costs (the possible cost of an ambulance, the hospital, the doctor(s), vaccinations, costs for formulas, and food, bottles, diapers, and clothing. Hint: You'll know they've approached the task responsibly if the list of costs for the first year is around $9,000.00 - $12,000.00 —the task is an excellent introduction to budgeting. A follow-up conversation should be: "Do you think there is such a thing as an accidental pregnancy?" and, "Whom do you expect to pay for a baby?" Does your teenager know how much you and your spouse/partner earn each month, how much your car costs, and the cost per month for the utilities, mortgage, and the family's food? Can the family afford a pregnancy?
2) Have your child read this article about fetal imprinting and then hand you a one-page written report about the effects of diet (especially hydration), drugs, alcohol, and abusive communications on a fetus (writing helps anchor the information).
3) Instruct your child to introduce you to each and every date. When your teen starts to date arrange for both of them to sit down with you and discuss who pays for what in the event of an "accidental" pregnancy (Have them read "Preventing an accidental pregnancy.") Yes, it will be uncomfortable for you and for them to read and discuss.
4) Together, with your partner/spouse, schedule a 3-hr sit-down appointment with your child. The both of you are tasked with relating to your child each and every perpetration you both committed while growing up. All the thefts, deceits, and lies. All the cons you ran to get your way; include sharing your first experiences of sex and drugs. If you deceive them, if you don't acknowledge all of your perpetrations, you'll automatically cause them to withhold certain thoughts from you. Note: Children try to be as good as they believe their parents were when they were growing up. Parents who withhold thoughts from each other train their child to withhold perpetrations; children hide certain perpetrations (broken/lost items, homework and chores done poorly, masturbation, thoughts judged to be "sick," lies and abuses to others) so as to not disappoint their parents, or, to avoid an expected punishment. Because children come to think that they are not as good as their parents were, they need experiential assurance that they are perfectly normal. Virtually all prisoners (especially those incarcerated for sex crimes) did not have this sit-down appointment with his/her parents. No teen mother had this B 'n B 2.0 talk. No parent of a school shooter (such as Columbine) delivered a B 'n B talk.
5) All divorced couples withheld one or more significant thoughts from each other on their first date; this deceit (whether it was unconscious or purposeful) automatically, non-verbally, granted their date permission to withhold his/her own thoughts of choice. All "victims" of infidelity began the dishonesty in their relationship on their very first date. Over a period of 44+ years of coaching I have not found any exceptions to this entanglement-like phenomenon. There are no "victims" or "bullies" with spouse abuse—only couples addicted to abusing and to being abused, and, to blaming. —Kerry
6) Parent to daughter: "Always pay your own way. Don't set-up, con, or let a boy pay; it's often mistaken as an entitlement, a down payment for sex. The karma for setting it up for boys to pay your way (more times than not) often reveals itself during an unfair divorce settlement." For example, Girl: "I'll pay for the next movie." While this may sound good it ignores the fact that seldom do users date the same boy again. Parent to daughter: "You can begin dating when you have a part-time job so as to pay your own way." Parent to son: "Now is the time to support equal pay for women." Parent: Notice if you feel good/guilty/upset about what you've spent on dates. There is a way, a communication process, that disappears the karma of using or having used, including paying for others.
7) Parent to daughter: "When you wear sexy clothes it turns boys and men on, it's an unethical con. It's also unethical to con a boy into begging for sex, to non-verbally communicate a promise of possible sex during the date-invitation-communications. Communicate verbally, upfront, what to expect. No matter what you read or what others say, there is no such thing as date rape."
1 Prepubescent, Pubescent, Puberty
- Prepubescent: The period of life before puberty, marked by increased growth—associated with purity, innocence, and simplicity of life.
Pubescent: A pubescent child is at the stage in life when they are developing from a child into an adult and becoming able to have children.
Puberty: The time in life when a boy or girl becomes sexually mature; a process that usually happens between ages 10 and 14 for girls and ages 12 and 16 for boys.
2 Uncomfortable: Most adults automatically react to certain words/subjects, they have no choice. Someone who has discussed each word/topic (through to comfortableness) does not react or judge; the words cunt and spaghetti have the same charge. When one is uncomfortable talking about sex they are said to be at effect of the subject. One can't experience sex if they are not comfortable talking about it. Both partners end up repeating/performing the same "sex" time after time.
3 Significant: A thought which if verbally communicated would cause upset or anger. Note 1: All withholds are being communicated non-verbally; your partner may not know what you're withholding—only that they know something is missing, something's in the space; withholding a thought after reading this post will be premeditated abuse. Note 2: It's virtually impossible for only one partner to have a withhold; both are withholding an equal number of thoughts from each other (Yes, both and equal).
4 ". . . purposefully-long eye contact . . ." Ninety-nine percent of all couples have so many thoughts they are withholding from each other that they have become uncomfortable looking at (being with) each other—other than brief glances. For example: If you've noticed that you and your partner/teen don't look at each other (can't seem to hold a gaze into his/her (normally beautiful soul-revealing) eyes, it reveals that the both of you (yes both) are withholding the same number of significant thoughts from each other (as always, you are the source of the deceit).
5 Perpetrations: Unacknowledged deceits, abuses and thefts continue to have undesirable consequences throughout life until they are acknowledged (either verbally or in writing). Acknowledging an abuse, as soonest possible after the abuse, completes the communication, disappearing if you will the negative effects for both. For example: Father to son. "I get that I was abusive earlier today." Unacknowledged perpetrations remain as incompletes affecting all outcomes for life. For example: One can't experience the experience of joyous love if the mind is cluttered with one or more unacknowledged perpetrations—the partner intuitively knows that something's missing, something is in the way; ". . . it's great but not what I thought love would be like." When you withhold a thought from a loved one it dooms the relationship to little or no joyous love—it's not just abusive, it's premeditated abuse.
6 If you suspect, or know, that your partner won't accept your invitation to do The Clearing Process then the relationship is over except for the drama. Most wives assume that if they had invited their date to do The Clearing Process, back when they first started dating, that the man would have willingly accepted the invitation, especially if the outcome promised awesome intercourse; back then it would have demonstrated his supportability and it would have ensured continued sex. Had he refused, the woman would know that his integrity was out, that he was hiding something significant, that he was a control "freak" and not supportable.
last edited 6/12/22