Conversations to have with your intended:*
The following tips support open, honest, spontaneous, and responsible communication between couples—zero significant** thoughts withheld.
Premise: If you are unwilling or afraid to have these conversations with your intended/partner, then, no matter what you believe, your fear will eventually cause a divorce.
All divorces (yes all) began with a thought withheld for fear of . . .
Between a couple committed to mutually satisfying communications an upset about burnt toast is just about the toast—not the toast and other withholds automatically dredged up (recalled) during the upset*** —these other unresolved less-than-mutually-satisfying interactions are referred to as incompletes. A thought withheld serves as a barrier to the experience of communication, of love.****
- Commitment test for couples
An inconsiderate gift to give a prospective partner
High school sex or exquisite intercourse?
Creating a marriage agreement that precludes cheating, etc.
Who gets what in a divorce?
Tips for a successful intimate relationship
Wedding expenses and marital happiness—a correlation?
So you're engaged to an axe murderer
What behaviors to forgive
* Consider these tips to be gifts to you from the millions and millions of divorced couples who, when they were exchanging vows, never dreamt that they would divorce; individuals, perhaps like yourself, who couldn't conceive that they would cause cheating to take place or that they would end up VIOLENTLY verbally abusing their loved one. Most likely those individuals would have refused to read these tips.
** "significant" meaning—a specific thought you consciously choose to withhold because you know it will cause upset or anger. Fleeting non- reoccurring thoughts are not withholds.
*** Example of "other withholds." B just burned the toast. A: "Christ, how many times have I told you to check the settings on the toaster! That was the last of the bread." B: "Well, we'd have bread if you'd call and ask if we needed anything from the store. You ALWAYS leave the shopping up to me." Note: Rather than take responsibility for burning the toast, B shifts the blame for the "accident" on A referring to last week's upset about B having to do all the shopping—a repeated complaint—an incomplete, that has not been resolved through to mutual satisfaction. B is unconsciously thwarting A by burning the toast.
**** Among the withholds (often on the day of the wedding) are—last minute doubts about whether to go ahead with the marriage. Am I making a mistake? What the hell am I doing? It doesn't feel like real love. I like everything about him/her except . . . . (insert here any thought that has not been shared verbally). I was verbally abusive to my former partner. And the biggie, "I'm scared or worried."
Note 1: An honest person will share these considerations verbally so as complete them; a person addicted to deceit, to being incomplete (to withholding thoughts), will try to hide such thoughts. The word "try" keeps to the front of the mind the fact that one is always communicating their withholds non-verbally—your partner doesn't know what's in the space, just that the joy that's supposed to come from being in-communication (in love) is not there. There is no experience of integrity—something's missing or added, something is in the space. Your withhold with your partner controls them, it dooms them to little or no joy or ecstasy—it's referred to as premeditated abuse.
Note 2: During the divorce process most couples can't create an experience of love because both have accumulated an equal number thoughts they've withheld from each other. Thoughts such as; "My high school sweetheart had mastered oral sex." "You're not my #10, my ideal partner." "Although I say I like your silicone breasts—so as to not hurt your feelings—the truth is they are too hard." "I hate having to vacuum the sheets each morning because of your chest hair." A thought withheld serves as a barrier to the experience of communication, of love.
Gabby's Tip: You'll know you have a supportable partner if they will accept your invitation to do The Clearing Process for Couples with you. If you are unwilling or afraid to invite them then your fear dooms the relationship to mediocrity (you will never ever be able to blame them for the relationship not working). Reading this web page creates what's referred to as a fork in the road for you. Yogi Bear says, when you come to a fork in the road, take it!
The leadership-communication skills it takes to have a successful marriage are the exact same skills it takes to have your partner do clearings with you. Clearings take a couple from rudimentary high school sex to an experience of exquisite intercourse—of being one with each other. If you are hiding a thought from your partner, your partner is also hiding an equally big one from you; withholders always always attract withholders—there are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon.
Last edited 5/28/17