A good swift kick in the ass restores communication
Caesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer, when walking a dog that is in an aggressive zone—dominant, leash-tugging, walking-ahead—will deliver a swift wake-up kick (foot bump) to the dog’s rear end. The dog is so preoccupied (zoned-out) with his/her undesirable behavior it doesn’t see the kick coming (this, because Caesar delivers it from behind his own body, out of the dog’s peripheral vision), therefore it surprises the dog momentarily, time enough to be reminded of the desired behavior.
This same communication principle can be applied in personal relationships. If say, you and your partner have lapsed into a zone of non-verbal avoidance, short answers, (even snapping*), little or no giggling/hugging of late, then you can be assured that you are both hiding (withholding) specific thoughts from the other, always for “good” reasons. You've both lapsed into doing your imitation of communication evidenced by the deceptions. We know it's deception (an out-integrity) because if/when the withholds are delivered responsibly, verbally, they will most likely trigger upset at first.
Now here’s the real kicker (pun intended): You began this undesirable withholding behavior. You began it most likely on the very first date when you withheld a deal-breaking thought so as to date him/her again—ultimately to catch him/her—at which time you unconsciously, non-verbally, gave him/her permission to withhold certain thoughts from you. In fact they intuitively knew that they had found in you someone who would not require open, honest, spontaneous communication, zero significant thoughts withheld from each other. You communicated this implied agreement to withhold thoughts of choice non-verbally-psychically; they knew that to spend time with you they must mirror your integrity (neither a "self-righteous truth-telling machine nor an obvious liar). Certain subjects that you now know are important for dating couples simply weren't discussed—for fear of . . . .
Withholders always always attract withholders. A spontaneously honest person can’t hang out too long with a withholder else they find themselves compromising their own integrity for which there are always undesirable problems/consequences. Withholders create all sorts of allegedly unwanted problems—each an unconscious reminder to restore and maintain his/her integrity.
To wake up your partner to the fact that you both have zoned out—that the way you've been behaving-relating-interacting** with each other doesn’t feel good—I recommend the following virtual swift kick in the butt in the form of an invitation.
First: You must do The Clearing Process. This will restore and help you maintain your integrity. Then you must invite your partner to do The Clearing Process. Then, together, you can do The Couple’s Clearing Process. If they accept your invitation and complete The Clearing Process then congratulations, you have a partner willing to be contributed to; however, it’s possible you already know that you have trained them to disrespect*** you, to thwart your support. You know, upfront, that they will find some reason to decline your invitation, in which case the relationship is too damaged for communication-skills coaching. If they decline it's also good, because you will have discovered that you need coaching/counseling/therapy. You need to get clear about what you’ve been up to (your hidden unconscious agenda), —that you would train your partner to deceive and thwart you. You also need to know, with certainty, that you don't have the leadership-communication skills to effect the desired behaviors. It’s never, ever, the other person.
* What completes any abusive communication is an acknowledgment: "I get that that didn't feel good." Notice that an acknowledgment doesn't include an explanation, a justification, a blame, or an apology.
** I use the words, "behaving-relating-interacting" rather than "communicating" because when communication takes place there is always an experience of satisfaction and love. What usually happens with couples is that both lapse in doing an imitation of communication.
*** We know respect is missing because if you had invited them to do a clearing while you were engaged they most likely would have eagerly accepted your invitation.
Lasted edited 12/24/16