Acknowledging a Veteran

Precluding predictable problems
Post Reply
Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 455
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Acknowledging a Veteran

Post by Gabby » Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:12 pm

Here's an acknowledgment that makes a positive* difference:
  • Instead of, "Thank you for your service" ask, "For what about your military service have you not been acknowledged?" or, more informally, "Is there anything (about your military service) you haven't been acknowledged for?" You can add, ". . . such as good or bad deeds?" —it helps them look. Unlike the usual, "Thank you for..." —it's a different communication; it will float around in their mind later—for many it's the beginning of relating their "wounding incident" responsibly, from cause. If you really want to know, you could ask, "How have we been treating you? Do you feel honored and respected?"

    Note: Virtually no wounded vet has related to anyone what "happened" from the point of view of what was going in their mind seconds, minutes, hours, and days prior to the incident (read The Intention Experiment)—the thinking and karmic consequences that created space for ... For example: A wounded vet, such as myself, who was cheating on his spouse will have a fleeting look at responsibility and the correlation between personal integrity and outcomes.
Following are some considerations about this unusual, extremely supportive, acknowledgment question.
  • When talking with a vet and you extract even one significant thought from them, a thought never shared verbally, it uncovers other hidden suppressed/forgotten thoughts of significance. A significant thought withheld from a person of significance (a family member, a doctor or a therapist) serves as a barrier to communication, to healing, to manifesting the results we say we want. —Kerry
* "positive" —Many relatives and friends of vets don't know that the way they try to communicate with a vet (referred to as doing their imitation of communication) often supports an addiction to mediocrity, drugs or alcohol, sometimes leading to homelessness or suicide. Typically what one hears are blames, "She wouldn't talk about 'it'." or, "He never talked about 'it'." As opposed to, "I don't know how to get him to talk about it."

Many civilians, upon hearing that one is a veteran, will say, "Thank you for your service." Most vets, myself included, have heard this polite well-meant phrase so many times that it has become "words" rather than a valuable experiential momentary high, a validating (reminding) communication. It has the same effect as a rhetorical greeting such as, "How's it?" Seldom is such an acknowledgment communicated (fully delivered, fully gotten, completely experienced)1. At some level the exchange is a bit uncomfortable for both. The acknowledger is also non-verbally communicating—
  • "I'm assuming that you have been thanked for your service; I'm thanking you now because it's my knee-jerk reaction when coming face-to-face with a veteran. My 'thank you' is but a token of the respect and appreciation I have [or should have] for you and your service. I know that no words can fully acknowledge you."
Most vets and civilians are unaware of the unacknowledged incompletes2 floating around in the mind (the collective mind between the civilian and the vet). Incompletes serve as barriers to the experience of communication (of delivering or getting a, "Thank you for your service.") For example: If someone who is cheating on his/her spouse delivers, "Thank you for..." it doesn't quite get gotten. The vet doesn't know something's missing only that there is no experience of acknowledgment as there sometimes is with others. If both the vet and the acknowledger are involved in deceptions then what takes place is talking, as opposed to communication. It's referred to as a non-experienced experience.

What most civilians don't know is that few vets can truly experience the "Thank you for your service" acknowledgment. As a vet hears the words the vet's computer-like mind automatically, instantaneously (without the vet even being aware of what's happening), recalls the "bad" thing or many things he/she did, or condoned with silence; the trash-talking, the mistakes, the hidden accidents, the deceits (momentarily nodding off while on guard), the abuses, the racist/sexist thoughts/remarks, the wastes, the lies, the perpetrations, the cons and scams it (the mind) ran, especially the unnecessary deaths, the witnessing of the horrendous inefficiencies of the military—all these things for which the veteran has yet to be acknowledged. The mind is saying to itself, "Yah, but . . ." or, "If you only knew . . ." and to quote the poignant line from the movie Schindler's List, "I could have done so much more."

Keep in mind that underneath the unacknowledged "bad" things are the innumerable written, verbal, and implied agreements, the rules and orders obeyed, the tasks that all vets accomplished to a very high standard simply by having honorably served one's country. What most don't know is that vets are communicating these incompletes (unacknowledged good and "bad" deeds) non-verbally, daily; friends and family don't know what's wrong, just that something is missing/added in their relationship with you.

When a veteran realizes how ineffective they are at inspiring family members to make healthy choices—when it finally sinks in how hypocritically boring civilians are compared with active duty service members—vets are often driven to a life of mediocrity, for many it's alcohol/drugs. 22 per day opt for suicide.

Unacknowledged guilt affects one's aura. Usually what's missing is happiness and joy. Conversely, a vet notices your inability to look them in the eyes for longer than a glance so as to be with them; (try being with anyone and you'll see what I mean). In other words, civilians too are dragging around their own baggage, their own set of incompletes, into all interactions; incompletes serve as barriers to the experience of being, of communication. It is in fact abusive to submit another to your "being act" —it dooms them to a life of mediocrity with little or no joy in their relationship with you. Communication (specifically clearings)3 always results in a sense of satisfaction, of completeness, of well-being—there are no exceptions to this phenomenon. Keep in mind, we only learn about communication in schools, universities, and military academies—none teach you, to any skill level, how to communicate, how to deliver and experience an acknowledgement—ergo 50% of marriages fail.
  • BTW: One reason 42% of Hawaii's parolees become recidivists (repeatedly returning to prison) is because they have not been acknowledged3 for all of their other perpetrations, the ones committed prior to the one for which they were incarcerated—the perpetrations, even during incarceration, for which they have not been caught. As with vets, a parolee's integrity simply won't let them win in life (achieve and sustain the experience of love, happiness, health, and prosperity) until they clean up (acknowledge) their past, their karma. And yes, everything (even a punishable perpetration), can be totally cleaned up, via clearings (written or verbal acknowledgment processes), so that the past no longer negatively affects present-day outcomes.
For communication to take place between you and a vet you must know how to create space for communication to take place. As the acknowledger you must empty the vet's mind (as when clearing children at bedtime)4 of thoughts, incompletes, that serve as barriers to getting everything for which it (the mind) needs to be acknowledged so as to be in-integrity.5

For example: When someone attempts to acknowledge a recipient of the Congressional Medal of Honor (MOH), the country's highest award for bravery, the recipient's mind might contain thoughts such as (again, unbeknownst to itself), "Yah but . . .". This can be misinterpreted as false modesty.* The vet could still be trying to find someone who will "get" them without a trace of invalidation; someone who will simply get what happened, and why they (the vet) still have thoughts that they don't deserve the medal. For most MOH recipients inappropriate, inaccurate, acknowledgment is a life-long uncomfortable experience. A genuine honor is deserved; it's a what's so. A deserved recipient comfortably "gets" the acknowledgment (usually non-verbally), "Yes, I did that. Thank you." or, "Yes, I was in fact brave, thank you for reminding me." or, "Thank you. For me it wasn't a conscious brave choice; it was a knee-jerk reaction to a situation needing handling." Presenters and acknowledgers of the medal are preoccupied with justifying their own thoughts rather than getting (absolutely recreating) the recipient's experiences and thoughts.

  • Tip: When you notice that your acknowledgment triggers uncomfortableness you could ask, "I notice you appear to be uncomfortable. Would you care to share what that's about?" And then, remain absolutely silent, to the point where the silence is uncomfortable; your silence gives the vet time to see what thought comes up.
Continuing the example: A MOH recipient might reply, "I don't feel as though I deserve the MOH. I was just doing my job." Instead of "getting" the recipient's considerations the acknowledger most always replies, "Oh no [you're wrong]. You do deserve the medal." This well-meant statement invalidates the MOH recipient's thoughts; it is in fact a make-wrong. There are of course MOH recipients who know, with certainty, that they do in fact deserve the medal. They reply with a clear clean, "Thank you" without any embarrassment or non-verbal considerations or "buts." Often the vet follows up the acknowledgment with, "And thank you for your support. It was truly remarkable." In other words, the recipient is able to be there for the acknowledger, to create space for the acknowledger to be complete, to be reminded that the medal represents everyone's part. Keep in mind that every veteran has one or more things for which they have not been acknowledged; if you don't get it (if you have not been a safe space for certain truths to be told, if you don't know how to clear another) they will continue to live (for life) with a thought that no one has extracted (gotten).

* A significant percentage of MOH recipients still, to this day, do not feel as though they deserved the medal. No one has sat with them to "get" their considerations so that they experience the totality of the medal. A MOH recipient might harbor the thought, "What no one knows is that the night before I feel asleep while on guard duty; I've been thinking that my "bravery" was an unconscious attempt at making up for my horrendous perpetration."

An inappropriate/incomplete/missing acknowledgment most always guarantees that the recipient will never ever do anything as commendable for the rest of his/her life; some unconsciously coast on their laurels. For life they are known as the guy with the MOH instead of "the guy down the street." Conversely, the absence of appropriate acknowledgment often causes a vet to never accomplish anything as great as they once did.

For example: It's rare for veterans to be serving in our public schools or on school boards where their leadership is most needed. Instead, to get a "fix," a little feel-good acknowledgment, many vets attend self-aggrandizing reunions minus their once-proud 6-pack abs; they wear hats and shirts that remind each other of how great they once were. All are incomplete. None have been completely acknowledged. Medals and commendations? Yes. Verbal acknowledgment delivered to the veteran's Self? No. Therefore, the need to find anyone who will truly, accurately, validate them. The curriculum for leadership-communication mastery, for being an effective leader, is usually discontinued upon discharge. Few vets are ever again as effective as they once were in the military. Inappropriate acknowledgment generates mediocrity.6 Hanging around family and community members addicted to mediocrity drives many vets to alcohol/drugs. I.e. [This is what I fought for?]

Here's more about acknowledgment and its effects.
Here's a Clearing Process for Couples.
Here's a short story about acknowledgment.
Proposed "Discharge to Civilian Life Debriefing."

Reminder: Firecrackers during holidays are an abusive disrespectful communication to pets, vets and many seniors (who have asthma/breathing difficulties). "Thank you for your service" with an implied non-verbal communication, [Oh yes, I know the booming noises can trigger flashbacks but I don't value you enough to not do it].

1 "fully delivered" —for another to get your communication of appreciation, respect, and admiration, it must be delivered with intention. If you are completely honest (zero withholds) in your personal relationships then your acknowledgment will be experienced; on the other hand, if you have significant withholds in your significant-other or familial-relationships, then your incompletes, your out-integrities, will serve as a barrier to communicating with the vet. He'll hear the words but could assume from experience that you're as unconscious as he is—that you haven't a clue about acknowledgment or, what happens in war.

2 incompletes
3 recidivists have not been acknowledged
4 Clearing children at bedtime
5 in-integrity
6 mediocrity
7 Return to Communication-Skills Tutorial for Veterans


In conclusion: When you acknowledge a vet who is clear about acknowledgment they will typically follow up your acknowledgment with something similar to, "Thank you. And, thank you for your support—it was greatly appreciated and truly impressive—it empowered us to do our job." In other words, a vet, like a conscious quarterback, knows that she/he is only perceived as being the leader because of the support of their equally talented courageous team members.

Last edited 2/12/24

Post Reply