Scenario: Your partner committed a perpetration; they have broken a verbal or an implied agreement. Let's assume it was a biggie such as physical abuse, a felony theft/illegal activity, an extramarital affair, on-line porn/gay chats, or that he/she has been using/selling drugs behind your back.
Question: Should you forgive him/her?
Answer: No. Do not forgive him/her; instead, forgive yourself for unconsciously setting them up to do it to you. Just because you don't know how you produced a result doesn't mean that you didn't unconsciously intend it. In other words, it doesn't make sense to forgive someone for a result you produced using your leadership-communication skills. It invalidates the genius in you that masterminded this outcome, your cause for this result. Experience the realization that it's you who doesn't inspire honesty, that he/she had no choice other than to mirror your integrity, to follow your lead (albeit an unconscious one).
Any out-integrity between a couple reveals that both have been withholding thoughts from the other. If you are claiming to be the "victim" of a perpetration, then you are lying. If you were to spend time with a communication-skills coach you'd discover that you began the deceit by withholding a deal-breaking thought early on (most likely during the first date). i.e. Herpes, previous physical/sexual abuse, history of verbal abuse, drug addiction, infidelity, cheated on another—or on a test, committed a theft/crime, or the biggie, a dysfunctional family you empower with your presence (something you hid for fear that it would be a deal-breaker). Remember, it was your karma that attracted this—a partner has no choice other than to mirror your integrity.
Mo betta to use this opportunity to discover what you've been up to. Given all the possibilities, why intend this? What we do know is that you need to be acknowledged (caught) for an earlier perpetration of yours, perhaps with another, something you've hidden from your parents, your partner, perhaps even from yourself. Yo, "Pot . . . kettle black." Could it be that you're addicted to blaming or to setting it up to be blamed?
Perhaps you are experiencing the karma (the consequences) of supporting deceit—when you conned your partner into having sex behind the backs of both sets of parents knowing it would cause upset and anger—when you were presenting yourself as an honest, trustworthy person. It could even be about an unacknowledged perpetration committed during an even earlier premarital sex relationship. Arrogance is believing that you got away with such deceits; arrogance always begs humbling. Could it be that you badmouthed your ex, or non-verbally supported your partner in blaming his/her ex, for their divorce? There are always appropriate consequences for abusive blaming or for non-verbally supporting it.
Correction to the above Scenario: It should read, [You, using your unique sophisticated leadership-communication-skills, have unconsciously intended that your partner commit a perpetration]. Perhaps you cleverly avoided asking the deal-breaking questions at the very beginning, and, now you find yourself blaming them. To hook them you sneakily didn't define your boundaries up front. Read: Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating, etc..
In any case, the truth is—you don't inspire integrity. You lost their respect early on, else, they would not insult you with such abusive behavior. They have unconsciously set you up to restore their integrity; if you "forgive" them, it will cause even greater disrespect. They intuitively knew that with some pathetic begging they could con you into forgiving them (just as you conned your high school teachers), to give them one more chance, as in push-over, easily manipulated (no one would consciously treat another like this, especially a loved one). They cannot change/heal with you in their life. And, if you continue using the same leadership-communication-skills, you will keep producing more of the same.
About inappropriate forgiveness
To begin restoring your integrity do The Clearing Process, one clearing per day for five days in a row (it's free and it works).
Huntington Post: about the folly of forgiving
Last edited 11/27/17