A tip for parents about creating a safe space for certain truths to be told.
The majority of parents do not communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously with each other. Between themselves they have accumulated dozens of withholds, significant thoughts they hide from each other; unbeknownst to either parent most of these withholds* are childhood perpetrations, deceits, and abuses, stuff they’ve hid from themselves, their own parents, and of course, each other.
Piled on top of a parent’s unacknowledged childhood perpetrations are the deceits, abuses, and perpetrations they’ve accumulated during the marriage. Most parents have lost, if they ever had it, the ability to communicate spontaneously. They have in fact unwittingly, non-verbally, given each other permission to hide thoughts of choice from the other. The more thoughts each parent hides from the other, and their child, the less space there is for spontaneous communication. The child lives in fear of asking, what's right and wrong, of saying/doing the wrong thing and especially, of questioning.
- * Withholds, significant thoughts withheld for reasons, serve as barriers to the experience of love. Most married couples will tell you it's been a long time (if ever) since their last experience of joy and ecstasy with each other; most acknowledge that they can't seem to look each other in the eyes any more except for brief seconds throughout each day; they know they love each other but the experience is missing. They are coasting on the memory of their last experience of love.
If you force a child to live among secrets and deceits the child soon learns to withhold his/her significant thoughts of choice. Among the thoughts such a child withholds are the “sick” and “bad” ones, the ones they intuit from earlier “tests” that their parents would admonish them for having. E.g. There's absolutely no space to ask questions about masturbation so as to get validation that they are normal, and so they live daily with the guilt.
A parent whose child has perpetrated pedophilia was (and probably still is) so bound up that he/she could not see the incompletes (beginning with the first look of guilt) on their child’s face. The parent(s) were so shut down that their child was not allowed to bring up certain topics, to ask embarrassing questions, and to get certainty about certain natural and normal curiosities. I’m certain research would reveal that these parents were so embarrassed about sex, even of talking about it, that they failed to give their child the “birds and bees talk.”
All pedophiles were taught by their parent to stuff thoughts, to walk around daily with incompletes.
For example: When a child and their friend played “hospital” (euphemism for checking out each other’s genitalia) the child knew with certainty he/she couldn’t share the amazing discovery with either parent. When asked where they were, the child lies, compounding the deception by saying they were someplace other than where they actually were, where they go for privacy. The parent’s mind was so clouded, so full of hundreds of incompletes, it (the mind) couldn’t see the deception, it couldn’t hear the lie. All pedophilia begins with a single lie, a deception, a thought withheld, behaviors the child learned from watching his/her parents. Without a safe space to share thoughts sexual fantasies begin to become more elaborate, more detailed, some become so real that the next step is to manifest the fantasy.
Here’s a bedtime clearing process for you to do with your child(ren) in support of nurturing open, honest, and spontaneous communication, no withholds. A Bedtime Clearing Process for Children.
Last edited 11/10/17