If you frequently find yourself getting angry at your spouse or children or your parents then this tip will be value.
For this tip we'll agree that there are two types of anger:
- 1) Anger that's what you say it's about. i.e. If burnt toast triggered the upset (and the upset is just about the burnt toast) then when you express your upset and anger, it, the anger is gone. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, On Death and Dying, wrote that genuine anger lasts seconds.
2) Anger that is triggered, say, by the burnt toast, but represents an accumulation of other upsets (other interactions) that have not been completed through to mutual satisfaction. This type of anger is characterized by dramatization; the anger is exaggerated, prolonged, and abusive. The dramatization usually includes references to prior upsets always communicated irresponsibly from blame. The source of this anger gets carried forward into all future interactions.
In communication coaching jargon a person who is dragging around hundreds of incompletes (life's conversations that were not mutually satisfying) is said to be bound up emotionally; they are unaware that they alone have been source for all the breakdowns in communication between them and others. Those who hang around them are also doomed to a life of mediocrity with little or no joy and giggling. The premise being; an actualized person, one whose day is full of service, one who is whole and complete (acknowledged for all of life's perpetrations), flows through the various emotions daily—happiness, joy, fear, disgust, anger, apathy, uncomfortableness, confusion, sadness, etc..
With anger that pops up more and more frequently, perhaps you've noticed that trying to stop doesn't work; it simply causes your addiction to anger (yes, it is an addiction) to persist. Anger keeps popping up because you are not addressing the source of, the cause of, the anger. What’s worse is you've been making yourself wrong and often you apologize; both behaviors, making yourself wrong and apologizing, guarantees more of the same undesirable behavior. This same apology-mechanism kicks in for other addictions such as cheating or drinking. i.e. The lie most parolees tell Parole Board Members, “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, I've learned my lesson.” absolutely guarantees that the behavior will be repeated (ergo, recidivism). What might work is the truth, “I got that it didn't feel good to you. I don’t know if I can be trusted to not do it again.”
Your anger is your integrity at work; it’s the Perfect-You reminding the Incomplete-You that you need to clean up something from the past. You’ve been dragging around an incomplete, a less-than-satisfying interaction left over from an earlier incident, most likely when you were young.
An incomplete can be a withhold, an unacknowledged perpetration such as an abusive interaction (usually something during your childhood); often there's someone else who is also still incomplete, still experiencing the effects, the karma, from the incident, from how you communicated with him/her.
For example: If as a child you were yelled at, spanked, or hit for something (for anything) and the abuser has yet to acknowledged that they know their reaction was in fact abusive, then you both are incomplete about that incident. i.e In other words, if your parent didn't say, "Son, I get that my yelling didn't feel good. I know it was abusive" then you both are incomplete. Now add hundreds of other similar abuses perpetrated on you by others (usually one's parents) and you can begin to get a sense of how many incompletes (less than satisfying interactions) you’ve been dragging around into each present-day communication.
What completes any less-than-satisfying interaction is an acknowledgment (instead of unconscious denial) and, a mutually satisfying communication (with another or even with yourself).
Another example: If as a child you lied, cheated, or abused someone then your anger could be you reminding yourself to clean up an earlier perpetration. That is to say, your integrity won’t let you both achieve and sustain the experience of health, happiness, and prosperity until you clean up life’s perpetrations. In fact, you’ll keep setting up life to have others thwart you and you’ll continue to blame them instead of acknowledging that your integrity is out.
In short, you keep setting up life to get complete about incident #1, the very first incident/perpetration.
Here are two communication processes that will support you in being whole and complete, in being in-integrity:
The first process: When you find yourself having expressed your anger abusively (in a way that didn't feel good to another), anger that got triggered by someone else, you must acknowledge your abuse to the abused. You must let them know as soon as you’re aware of the abusive communication. If you give another permission to let you know when a communication of yours doesn't feel good then you will arrive at choice much sooner.
- For example: After yelling at your child you need to communicate: “I get that that didn’t feel good. I know that it was abusive.”
The secret to completing your automatic knee-jerk abusive reactions is not to try and stop abusing but to simply acknowledge it every single time. Eventually you’ll find yourself having memories of earlier and similar incidents (mostly childhood). These incidents, these incompletes, are the ones you need to share with someone (anyone).
It’s the sharing of an incomplete that completes it.
Soon you’ll find yourself being able to observe yourself in the middle of expressing anger but still not be able to choose not to be angry, however, if you keep acknowledging your anger to the abused you’ll find yourself having choices right in the middle of an interaction.
The second process: The Clearing Process—one clearing per day for five days in a row. It’s about emptying your mind of all thoughts that presently serve as barriers to you consistently manifesting your stated intentions. It’s about you recalling and acknowledging life’s perpetrations so as to release the karma for each incident. It’s free and extremely powerful. The process supports you in restoring and maintaining your integrity.