If you've been in counseling/therapy and it didn't appear to have worked, or if you're presently in counseling/therapy and you're not happy with the results, then this tip might be of help.
- Note: Often one will drag their spouse to therapy and later claim it didn't work which reveals that they (the dragger) have a misunderstanding of responsibility (of who causes what); they honestly believed that things would be better if only their partner got fixed.
The mind is awesomely clever. It tends to hide things from itself and others for fear of having to acknowledge being responsible (cause) for a childhood incident. It's so clever that it can hold two positions at the same time; it can believe it wants to heal and at the same time intend not to heal (to not get to the source of its supposedly unwanted problem). Such a mind is said to be addicted to blaming and to taking as many down with it as possible (unconsciously intending that the therapist fails).
- For example: The internet is rife with posters claiming that Scientology or the est Training didn't work. Without exception these individuals are stuck in blaming. None have acknowledged that they had no intention for it to work.
Often a helper/enabler will attract a partner who obviously needs help/fixing, they do this so that they don't have to acknowledge and address their own addiction to finding fault, to enabling, to being better than.
A problem persists because there's a lie somewhere, often it's how one remembers how the problem began; they keep relating their inaccurate version of the incident (to whomever will listen) which causes it to persist. Such listeners are in fact enablers.
The way the mind cleverly handles fear of discovery, of getting caught for some childhood incomplete/perpetration, is it will find a therapist it can con, one that is not clear about responsibility. Often such a person will jump from therapist to therapist, counselor to counselor, even to a new age treatment/guru, always believing he/she wants to be happy yet masterfully hiding the source, the cause of their inability to have life work.
Keep in mind that few certified/qualified counselors/therapists also have a Masters degree in Speech-Communication; they honestly and sincerely believe that they know as much about communication as does a communication-skills coach. Seldom, if ever, has a mental health professional confronted their own ego to the extant that they will call a communication-skills coach saying, "My client has a communication problem that's persisting, what is it about my leadership-communication skills that's producing this result?"
Most therapists and counselors have an excellent understanding of responsibility however, one's understanding of responsibility serves as a barrier to knowing and being responsible. Communication-skills coaches will attest to the fact that virtually none received a call from a therapist during their own angry-abusive divorce asking for support. i.e "Something about the way I've been communicating with my spouse is not producing love." or, "I've lost my ability to create the experience of love with my spouse, what am I doing wrong?" or, "Something about my leadership-communication skills is not producing the results I say I want." Instead, they are automatically driven to not stop and ask for directions, as when lost in a city.
When choosing a therapist you must be clear about your intentions. Often a partner will only later discover that all along they had been unconsciously masterminding a divorce, only going through the therapy drama so as to be able to say, "Look how hard I tried to make it work." One way to be clear about your intentions is to do The Clearing Process —it's free and it works. It's an excellent test to see if you're willing to be open and honest with anyone, especially a therapist. If you do one clearing per day for five days in a row you'll notice that with each day you'll recall new thoughts that were hidden from your mind the day before, which happens to be the way the mind works. The mind piles incompletes upon incompletes so as to hide the very first perpetration.
- For example: If you were spanked and sent to your room as a child it's likely that you cried yourself to sleep. This is called piling unconsciousness on top of an incomplete, the incomplete being the unacknowledged abuse. Then your mother called you to supper without mentioning the incident. To this day she has yet to acknowledged that she knows hitting you was abusive and that there isn't anything any child could do that warrants being hit.
Now you find yourself having identical uncontrollable fits of anger with your spouse and child. When you look for the incident, the incomplete, you can't find it because it's covered (hidden) with a layers of unconsciousness (your sleep). What happened was your mind (unbeknownst to you) made decisions from that incident; now it's clouded with thoughts about hitting, and anger, and deserving, and resentment, and hypocrisy, and communication, that run you to this day. This incident remains an incomplete from that first breakdown in communication, the one that affects all of your communications (results) to this very day. Once you recall the memory of that specific incident and tell the truth as to your cause in the matter (presently it's stored as blaming make-wrong incident) you will be complete.
Check back occasionally for minor edits (lasted edited 11/23/11).