Wedding expenses and marital happiness—a correlation?

Precluding predictable problems
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Gabby
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Wedding expenses and marital happiness—a correlation?

Post by Gabby » Thu Nov 04, 2010 11:57 am

Question: Is there a correlation between the happiness a couple experiences during their marriage and how much money they cause family, friends, and each other, to spend for their wedding?

The premise: Whether or not one handles their wedding expenses responsibly is a valid predictor of the kinds of problems each partner will create during the marriage; this has to do with both the ethics and the leadership-communication skills one brings to a marriage.*

What we’re talking about here is: Are you willing to know what it will cost each person in order for you to have your "dream" wedding? To optimize your marriage you must know, as part of your wedding planning responsibility, the actual costs for all concerned. You must know and be more than concerned, you must in fact be willing to be cause. I.e. You would communicate to parents who struggle to meet monthly financial obligations: You: "I'd like you both to agree that you will keep the costs under $X000.00 and promise me that you will not borrow money." Parents: "But, we want to . . . " You: "No! Absolutely no! I insist. If you won't make this agreement then we'll elope, I'm not kidding."

It may appear that this tip is addressed to women, however it most certainly addresses both partners and their respective families. For you to remain silent when your partner, or someone’s parents, spend money he/she/they can’t really afford is at best irresponsible; the consequences will be exactly what you'd expect but, usually when you least expect them.

To begin with, engaged couples must be in-communication with their parents; they must know their parent's financial status (have verbal or have seen written proof). They must be aware of the costs of replacing a roof or a 50-year-old furnace, (typical unexpected middle-age empty-nester's expenses). Most couples selfishly “let” their parents spend beyond their means, parents who wish to show their love so they disregard the financial risk to themselves; most engaged couples cause their parents to assume unwise debts, and later wonder why they (the couple) are having financial problems.

For example: Has the groom's parents taught their son fiscal responsibility or will he ignorantly buy his fiancé an expensive diamond ring that puts him in debt, a monthly payment that might possibly be added to the household bills for the first few years. And, here’s the biggie—if within a few years of marriage the breadwinner loses his/her job, do both have enough assets (HDTV, tools, jewelry, motorcycle, hobby equipment) to sell/pawn so as to be able to honor their payment agreement with the landlord on time each month, or, do they think it’s acceptable to break the rent agreement and force the landlord to sell/pawn his/her own possessions so as to cover bills (read The Water Pump Story). Or, do both plan on applying for welfare and force their neighbors (the community) to pay for expenses they should not have incurred until both were financially capable of handling such contingencies. Payments for a new car, a HDTV, a child, and rent more than 1/2 their combined income, will eventually manipulate the community into helping them financially. The ethics, the beliefs, about agreements that each brings to the relationship determines the kinds of problems a couple will generate.

Conversely, the bride-to-be must know what her parents can responsibly afford. “Letting” them borrow money (debt which will take years to pay off) just so she can have a typical fancy wedding is both selfish and irresponsible. The words “let” and “letting” can be replaced with the word “manipulates.” One can even manipulate silently, pretending they don’t know that an expensive wedding is financially irresponsible. A woman needs to know her intended’s financial status before he foolishly "traditionally" borrows money for an expensive engagement ring. The spending habits of both partners determine the kinds of problems they will generate together.

Equally important, a bride must know the current financial (and employment) status of each member of her wedding party. Expecting bridesmaids and hostesses to spend money on matching dresses, hair styling, shower and wedding presents, and possible transportation costs, money they would normally use for paying the coming month’s bills, is not a good way to start a marriage. It is unethical, inconsiderate and abusive to treat friends like this.

These are considerations that must be discussed openly between all concerned. Starting a marriage with guilt, even guilt one is unaware of having until later, is not a smart way to start a marriage. Considerateness and compassion are important variables when it comes to happiness. Couples stuck in inconsiderateness generate unwanted problems leading to arguments and unpleasant divorces.

The vast majority of divorced couples did not concern themselves with the above expenses. It is arrogant to ignore these considerations and expect that you will be able to achieve and sustain happiness in your marriage; the consequences will be exactly what you'd expect. You can no longer pretend you didn't know that it was abusive. After reading this such problems will be premeditated.

Additional considerations:

Creating a Marriage Vow that Precludes Cheating

Who gets what in a divorce?

Must have conversations to have with your steady/fiancé.

Wedding Guest Vows

Wedding hostess worked too hard bails

If you now realize that you handled your wedding expenses irresponsibly, if the experience of prosperity, health, and happiness still eludes you and yours, it's possible to undo the karmic effect, to mitigate, if not disappear, the undesirable consequences via The Clearing Process. Those about to marry a second time are advised to acknowledge to your intended the ethics you brought to the first marriage and how you masterminded the divorce.

* Those who are financially well off must consider their priorities—to have a lavish wedding or homeless neighbors fed?—each choice produces the karma one would expect.

Please show this tip to all concerned.

Last edited 5/26/21

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