Commitment test for couples

Precluding predictable problems
Post Reply
Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 455
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Commitment test for couples

Post by Gabby » Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:22 am

One way to affirm/reaffirm your commitment to having open and honest communication with your partner (such as supporting the typical newly-wed's pledge—to never go to bed upset) is to invite him/her to do the free Clearing Process for Couples with you.

The Clearing Process for Couples is about creating a safe space for both you and your partner to verbally communicate all withholds to each other. Withholds are significant thoughts withheld for reasons; a thought withheld serves as a barrier to the experience of communication, and love, and to manifesting the results you say you want. Significant meaning: A thought, which if shared verbally would trigger upset, anger or worse.

  • Verbally communicate” refers to the fact that you both are communicating your withholds to each other but non-verbally. You both have accumulated an equal number of thoughts that you are withholding from each other. These withholds are being communicated non-verbally daily; they are the source of all confusions, mis-communications, broken agreements (i.e. "I'm sorry I'm late."), condescensions, put-downs, make-wrongs, dramatized anger, take-aways, pouting, disappointing sex, arguments, and all breakdowns in communication. It's impossible for one partner to have withholds and the other to have none.
A thought you withhold from your partner automatically (instantaneously, without him/her even knowing it) grants them permission to withhold their thought of choice from you. For more about this phenomenon (entanglement theory) read The God Effect. A person who communicates openly and honestly can experience these withholds on your face—you simply look bound up, not totally honest,1 not happy, lacking vibrancy—it's an aura thing.

If your partner declines your invitation to do The Clearing Process so that you both can do the Clearing Process for Couples then you have a serious problem.2 You have in fact, using your present leadership-communication skills, unconsciously intended that your partner decline your invitation, most likely so that you don't have to share your big withhold—the deal-breaker.3 Keep in mind, partners always always mirror each other's integrity; a partner can be no more open and honest with you than you are with them, or you are with your parents.

Think back to when you first began dating, prior to sexual intimacy, when, if you had suggested doing a free communication process guaranteed to enhance the experience of intercourse, it's almost certain your partner would have accepted your invitation. If you are afraid to ask, or if you think, believe, or know that your partner won't do the process with you now, then it's all over but the drama.4 You are using fear you brought into the relationship to destroy the relationship; it's never ever the other person.

If your relationship is such that your partner refuses to allow you to support them in growing, then I recommend that you do The Clearing Process —it supports ones communications being consistent with his/her intentions. That is to say, if the results you've been producing with your present leadership-communication skills aren't what you say you want then you have not been clear about your intentions. The Clearing Process will reveal what your intentions have been and create space for you to formulate new intentions.

1 Re: "totally honest." Recall the innocent countenance on your face just prior to your first lie—the perpetration for which you have never been caught. For most it's, "Did you brush your teeth?" Most parents are unconscious and so they don't notice the change from innocence to looking slightly guilty. Sleep that night was not the sound sleep of wholesomeness, of being in-integrity. And, you have yet to acknowledge the lie to your parent. It appears that there is a correlation between achieving and sustaining the experience of health, prosperity, and love and an "original sin" that has not yet been acknowledged.

2 "I don't want to talk about it" is the ultimate control mechanism; it's referred to as playing take-away. What works is: "OK. When will you be willing to talk about it? (get a day, date, & time). "OK, Sat after supper." If they get angry and accuse you of controlling them then the relationship is all over but the drama. Shutting down a conversation dooms the relationship to mediocrity—to both being incomplete. With coaching you can recall the childhood interaction that started your addiction to being incomplete, to causing another to verbally abuse you, to being controlled. I.e. To cause another to not want to talk about something is tantamount to masterminding a divorce.

3 Examples of "deal-breaking" withholds: Prior abusive relationship(s) (including a dysfunctional family), prior infidelities, cheating on tests, stealing, deceptions, incarceration, prior bankruptcy, present debt-load, significant health problem (HIV, hepatitis, herpes), the health of a family member that portends mental or physical illness for your offspring, such as cancer, heart attacks or addictions.

4 An analogy: If you were holding a 40 lb bar of lead that required both hands to hold and someone offered to exchange it for a bar of gold (weighing the same) you'd have to be willing to let go of the lead. To have the kind of relationship you say you want you must be willing to let go of (complete) the less desirable one. Love can transform a relationship but, what you call love cannot turn lead into gold.

Last edited 9/19/22

Post Reply