Who gets what in a divorce?

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Who gets what in a divorce?

Postby Gabby » Tue Jun 09, 2009 4:23 pm

Who gets what in a divorce?

Your answer to this question can determine whether your marriage communications will be mostly pleasant or if there will be lots of thwarting self-righteous blaming arguments ending in an acrimonious divorce. That is to say, your answer now predicts the future. If you have lots to learn about responsibility, support, gender bias, sexism, condescension, manipulation, and control then it's most likely you'll end up arguing during an expensive divorce settlement process.

Here's a test scenario: A man and woman fall in love just prior to both of them graduating from law school. They have virtually no money or possessions; coincidentally, both are estranged* from their abusive parents who have refused to get counseling. Upon graduation the man immediately lands a well-paying job with a legal firm so they decide to marry. The husband brings home lots of money; the wife agrees to postpone her career and manage him, the household, their finances, and the children. Within ten years they have two children, a beautiful house, a vacation cottage, two cars, a motorcycle, a small yacht and several small investments. They become unhappy and decide to divorce. The wife expects half of everything. The husband is outraged and unilaterally decides to hire an expensive attorney (using money that would be shared during an uncontested settlement) sincerely believing that because he did the "work" he's entitled to more than 50%.

The side you take now in this scenario determines your future; it possibly determines whether you'll have a happy, prosperous, healthy marriage or an acrimonious divorce.

If you side with the man then you will also end up arguing with your spouse and you'll have proved my point. Amongst enlightened couples it's a given that service (in this case voluntary servitude to one's spouse) empowers; the leadership-communication skills it takes to feed another power, to enable the partner who represents the couple out in the community, is as much a skill as any other.

The test of whether or not the wife was in-service is not only the income he was able to generate through her supportive service—it also has to do with their experience of prosperity (many are so poor they can't afford to have one partner move out for a trial separation), their possessions, the family's mental and physical health, and their over-all experience of well-being. Hour for hour they both contributed the exact same amount of time and intention to their success and prosperity, therefore the synergy of the relationship.**

We tend to forget that we all have the exact same amount of support-skills. Some of us use our leadership-communication support-skills to forward others in winning, and some of us, because we have a different set of support-skills, unconsciously support others in plateauing (hanging out in mediocrity), and still others are unconsciously driven to support failure and to take as many down with them as possible. The way to tell how you've been using your support skills is to look at the results those around you are producing. Seldom is one aware that they are supporting their spouse/child in failing (doing poorly in school, health, or work). The mind usually believes it is trying hard to support success, it resists being responsible.

A 3-hr consultation with a communication-skills coach can reveal whether you are on the way up or down. If you are thinking about getting married then read: Must have conversations to have with your steady/fiancé.

BTW: The "victim" of an unfair divorce settlement is unaware that they are stuck in lying. They have manufactured all sorts of reasons, none of which are the truth; none acknowledge their cause in the matter. They haven't accepted responsibility for masterminding the divorce and its outcome; typically such a partner blames the other for the breakdowns in communications.

For example: With the above scenario, it's not that the woman didn't know up front her fiancé's position about money and possessions, it's that she refused to discuss such beliefs with him during the engagement; she arrogantly believed that her marriage would work in spite of the statistics. Arrogance begs to be humbled. Notice the word "refused." That is to say, she did have the thought to bring up the subject and dismissed it, for reasons, underneath which were one or more fears.

Note: A millionaire marries a non-millionaire woman knowing that the value she brings to the relationship absolutely equals the wealth he brings; he cannot experience the value of his wealth without her support. She compliments and validates his image of himself thereby empowering him to continue succeeding. All such marriages should have a prenuptial agreement. When such a marriage doesn't have a prenup it reveals that both are equally out-integrity—two skilled cons running their con on each other.

Do print out this tip and share it with your partner.

Last edited 1/2/18

* See responsible estrangement

** Important for women: Share this tip with your partner unless you are afraid to. If there is fear in your relationship then you have been unconsciously masterminding a divorce.

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Re: Who gets what in a divorce?

Postby amrusha » Tue Aug 02, 2011 12:46 am

How do I protect my house form a divorce if I am already married? I am in a very shaky marriage right now. We have talked about filing for divorce at the beginning of next year. In recent weeks however things have taken a turn. We are talking about trying one more time.

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Re: Who gets what in a divorce?

Postby Gabby » Tue Aug 02, 2011 1:30 am

Hi amrusha, It sounds as though you have a legal problem.

If you’re worried about possessions (if you're run by fear) then the relationship is too damaged to bring about a mutually satisfying divorce. In fact, it was doomed before you even met. If you can’t trust that your partner will be impeccably fair, if you didn't check to see if he was a fair person way before you met him, then it was your karma that attracted an unfair person. From day-one your leadership-communication skills have produced this situation.

I’d recommend that you do The (free) Clearing Process. It will help you restore your integrity; after which, invite him to do the process. Then, you both can do the (free) Clearing Process for Couples. If your partner won’t do The Clearing Process then you do counseling/therapy (alone) and address the source of your fear and how it is you set up what appears to be a financially uneven relationship. Perhaps you married outside your social/economic/education status—someone not your peer. Clearings work but you both have to be impeccably fair and mutually supportive.

Have you accepted responsibility for masterminding (unconsciously intending) what appears to be an upcoming divorce? Test: If, at the very beginning, I had given you the assignment to communicate in such a way as to cause him to treat you as he is now, but to do it in such a way as to not let him know you're training him to treat you unfairly, what would you have to do and not do to produce that result?

With aloha,


Last edited 9/20/17

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