Wedding Guest Vow

Precluding predictable problems

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Gabby
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Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Wedding Guest Vow

Postby Gabby » Wed Jul 19, 2006 2:20 pm

Wedding Guest Vow

This tip is one of the most thoughtful long-lasting wedding gifts you can give a wedding couple. It's about supporting everyone concerned in having mutually satisfying supportive relationships. However, it only works if both wedding partners have included a fidelity agreement in their vows. After you have read this tip read about the Fidelity Agreement.

Overview:

The Wedding Guest Vow supports open, honest, and responsible communication, zero significant* withholds. It presumes that you, a relative/friend/guest of one or both wedding partners, are willing to accept responsibility for the effects of your leadership-communication skills. It’s a given that all concerned agree that all communications, verbal, non-verbal, psychic, and physical have an effect.

Print, sign, and hand to the bride and groom each their own nicely printed copy of the Wedding Guest Vow (you may reword it).

    Wedding Guest Vow:

    You have my word that I am available for clearing and problem-solving throughout your relationship. In return I'm asking you to agree to call me, or another wedding guest, the first time an upset or an experience of abuse is not acknowledged** and resolved through to mutual satisfaction within 72 hours. This includes calling me the first time you have the thought about cheating or divorcing. It would not feel good (it would be abusive) to hear from someone else that you have caused cheating or that you are divorced.

    By accepting this vow you are agreeing to be supported in communicating problems responsibly, from cause, rather than blame.

    For example:

      Blame: "He won't answer my questions."
      Responsible: "I don't know how to have him answer my questions."

      Blame: "She gets angry when I try to make a suggestion."
      Responsible: "I don't know how to make suggestions without triggering upset."

      Blame: "She stopped being affectionate."
      Responsible: "I don't know what I've done to cause her to stop being affectionate."

      Blame: "He cheated on me."
      Responsible: "Using my leadership-communication skills I drove him into the arms of another."

    If I am unable to assist in resolving a dispute or dissatisfaction between you and your spouse, to include unacknowledged** verbal/non-verbal abuse, I will call another guest and together we will intervene through to mutual satisfaction.

    You have my word that if I experience anything that does not feel good or right between the two of you, directly or from another, I will communicate it verbally to both of you. I will not withhold from either of you any negative judgments or rumors I may hear.

    I will ask anyone who communicates negative gossip about you from whom they heard it. If they refuse to divulge the name of their source I will ask them if they’d be willing to tell you to your face what they told me; I’ll also remind them that you’re going to want to know the source. If they say they won’t tell you what they told me I’ll tell them that I will be telling you what they are passing around.

    This Wedding Guest Vow does not mean that you must stay married, only that you will have discussed your first thoughts about separation or divorce with me or another guest prior to effecting a separation/divorce; it does however mean that if you decide to divorce that you will do so amicably, supportively, without blame, and with love.

    Do we have an agreement?
You may copy/print any portion of this tip providing you include the source, "Dear Gabby," "Community Communications," or "Kerry."

With aloha,

Gabby


* "significant:" A thought is considered sigificant if sharing it would cause upset/anger.

** Acknowledged/unacknowledged: When you communicate abusively it's your responsibility to acknowledge to your partner that you know it was abusive. If you didn't hear yourself having communicated abusively then you will eventually set it up for your partner to remind you, to give you feedback. If your partner communicates (verbally or non-verbally), "That doesn't feel good" and you don't communicate, "I get that that was abusive," it reveals that you are in denial. A good test for abuse is the recipient's experience. For example: Ask, "How did that feel?" Someone stuck in abuse (abusing or being abused) is most always in denial (usually they will deny that abuse took place). An abuser will argue or get angry when the "victim" communicates, "That didn't feel good." Invariably the abuser will blame the recipient for starting the specific abuse in question. In a relationship in which unacknowledged abuse takes place regularly, there are no "victims," only consenting sparring partners. All divorces began on the first date when both partners (at the very same time) withheld a deal-breaking thought from the other. Both brought their addiction to withholding (to deception) into the relationship.

Conversely, if through your leadership-communication skills, you set it up (create space for, non-verbally grant permission) for your partner to communicate abusively and you don't insist that he/she acknowledge the abuse then you are beginning to accumulate reasons for a divorce. Extremely important: If you let even one abuse go unacknowledged, it reveals that you are unconsciously masterminding a divorce; you'll find yourself talking about that abuse from blame to someone during the divorce process. Abuses most always start with condescending "put-down" remarks, often masked as humor. i.e. "Nice going clutz." "Christ, that was smart." "What the hell are you doing? I told you..." To support it non-verbally, silently, compounds the disrespect that triggered the condescending remark.

Last edited 5/10/17

johnrickz
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 8:53 am

Re: Wedding Guest Vows

Postby johnrickz » Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:12 am

Yes I agree with that giving you full support and everything for them is the best wedding gift ever. Nothing can compare with that.

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Wedding Guest Vows

Postby Gabby » Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:01 am

Thanks johnrickz,

Gabby

masonluraa
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Jan 15, 2011 12:03 am

Re: Wedding Guest Vow

Postby masonluraa » Sat Jan 15, 2011 12:09 am

Your thoughts on wedding guest vow is very appreciative.

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Wedding Guest Vow

Postby Gabby » Sat Jan 15, 2011 12:19 am

Hi masonluraa,

Thanks for the nice ack.

Gabby

darlenehill19
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2011 11:26 pm

Re: Wedding Guest Vow

Postby darlenehill19 » Tue Feb 22, 2011 11:32 pm

Fidelity Agreement:

To preclude cheating a marriage vow should include the following fidelity agreement (your words of course):

"If either of us cheat on the other the marriage is immediately annulled. All claims to our home, finances, possessions, and child custody are at the discretion of the other."

I am in favor of fidelity agreement.
definitely it's essence will kill all cheats and protect bride and groom from implied and explicit dangers!
you never know the situation.
It is always safe to include those safety parameters.
Implied agreements and communications work as pressure groups; no doubts in it!

URL deleted by moderator: Per the registration agreement URLs are not allowed

bel
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2011 7:56 pm

Re: Wedding Guest Vow

Postby bel » Mon Feb 28, 2011 8:30 pm

Gabby wrote:Wedding Guest Vow

This tip is one of the most thoughtful wedding gifts you can give to a bride and groom; it's about supporting everyone concerned in having mutually satisfying supportive relationships. It only works if the bride and groom have included a Fidelity Agreement in their vows.

Overview:

The Wedding Guest Vow supports open, honest, and responsible communication. It presumes that you, a relative/friend/guest of one or both wedding partners, are willing to accept responsibility for the effects of your leadership-communication skills. It’s a given that all concerned agree that all communications, verbal and non verbal, have an effect.

Print, sign, and hand to the bride and to groom each their own copy of the Wedding Guest Vow (you may reword it).

    Wedding Guest Vow:

    You have my word that I am available for clearing and problem-solving throughout your relationship. In return I'm asking you to agree to call me, or another wedding guest, the first time an upset or an experience of abuse is not resolved through to mutual satisfaction within 24 hours. This includes calling me the first time you have the thought about cheating or divorcing. I do not want to hear from someone else that you have caused cheating or that you are divorced.

    By accepting this vow you are agreeing to be supported in communicating problems responsibly, from cause as opposed to from blame.

    If I am unable to assist in resolving a dispute or dissatisfaction between you and your spouse, to include unacknowledged* verbal/non verbal abuse, I will call another guest and together we will intervene through to mutual satisfaction.

    You have my word that if I experience anything that does not feel good or right between the two of you, directly or from another, I will communicate it verbally to both of you. I will not withhold from either of you any judgments or any rumors I may hear.

    I will ask anyone who communicates negative gossip about you from whom they heard it. If they refuse to divulge the name of their source I will ask them if they’d be willing to tell you to your face what they told me; I’ll also remind them that you’re going to want to know the source. If they say they won’t tell you I’ll tell them that I will be telling you what they are passing around.

    This Wedding Guest Vow does not mean that you must stay married, only that you will have discussed thoughts about divorce with another guest or me prior to effecting a divorce. It does however mean that if you decide to divorce that you will do so amicably, supportively, and with love.

    Do we have an agreement?

You may copy/print any portion of this tip providing you include the source, "Dear Gabby" or "Kerry."

With aloha,

Gabby

* Unacknowledged: When you communicate abusively it's your responsibility to acknowledge that you know that it was abusive. If you didn't hear yourself having communicated abusively, then you will eventually set it up for your partner to remind you, to give you feedback. If your partner says, "That doesn't feel good" and you don't communicate, "I get that that was abusive," it reveals that you are in denial. The test for abuse is always the recipient's experience; someone stuck in abuse is most always in denial and will argue or get angry when the recipient communicates, "That didn't feel good." Invariably the abuser will blame the recipient for starting the specific abuse in question.

Conversely, if through your leadership-communication skills, you set it up (create space, non verbally grant permission) for your partner to communicate abusively and you don't insist that he/she acknowledge the abuse then you are beginning to accumulate reasons for a divorce. To let an abuse slide, to go unacknowledged, reveals that you are masterminding a divorce.

All of us have a hard time preparing the best gift for a married couple. May it be simple or expensive and sometimes it could be sentimental. But with what I have read, I have found the Wedding Guest Vow to be best gift ever. Letting the couples know that you support them what ever circumstances they may encounter together will surely paint a smile in their face and hearts.

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Wedding Guest Vow

Postby Gabby » Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:51 pm

Hi bel,

Right on. It's the proverbial gift that keeps on giving. The added value is that in serving/supporting others you'll expand your own relationship-communication skills. I find that by focusing on the success of others I don't have as much time to mess up my own relationships.

Gabby

bel
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2011 7:56 pm

Re: Wedding Guest Vow

Postby bel » Tue Mar 01, 2011 10:26 pm

Gabby wrote:Hi bel,

Right on. The proverbial gift that keeps on giving. The added value is that in serving/supporting others you'll expand your own relationship-communication skills. I find that by focusing on the success of others I don't have as much time to mess up my own relationships.

Gabby

hi gabby,

Thanks for appreciating my comment. I can see in you that you have a perfect relationship. With this, I wish your relationship with your special someone will last until death you may part. Keep on advising and reminding others the best gift any one could ever give and receive.

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Wedding Guest Vow

Postby Gabby » Tue Mar 01, 2011 11:44 pm

Hi Bel my "special" one at this very moment.

I'm so enjoying being with whomever or whatever is in the now.

Mahalo,

Gabby

lyssagale12
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Jul 05, 2011 8:22 pm

Re: Wedding Guest Vow

Postby lyssagale12 » Tue Jul 05, 2011 8:26 pm

What a great idea! His thoughts about wedding wow of guests is greatly appreciated. thanks :P

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Wedding Guest Vow

Postby Gabby » Tue Jul 19, 2011 4:57 pm

Thanks lyssagale12,

Gabby

BlueLotus
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Nov 08, 2013 12:32 am

Re: Wedding Guest Vow

Postby BlueLotus » Thu Nov 21, 2013 8:41 pm

I agree with you. There is no other best gift than providing them the full support throughout their wedding [marriage]. It is more valuable than a costly wedding gift. Next month is my best buddy's marriage and I was confused yet what should I do for the wedding. After reading your post I got a wonderful idea. Thanks.

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Wedding Guest Vow

Postby Gabby » Thu Nov 21, 2013 11:34 pm

Thanks BlueLotus.

Kerry


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