For a background to this Gabby Tip read, Problem with boyfriend's children.
How does a divorced parent know when it’s time to start dating? One sure way to know is to ask the children, however, many single parents are afraid to ask their children, their little gurus. Why? In part, because the parent intuits that the adult-in-their-child knows what’s best, and, that if truly asked, a child’s wise-self would say, “Based upon the way you two blame addicts are treating each other I'd say none of us are ready yet.”
“Ask” here means to inquire with the intention to know the truth, (to have equal space for any answer) as opposed to manipulating permission from them. Any hesitancy in their response, any reluctance, any sign of less-than-excited support, is a “Not yet” answer. In truth, asking is a dump. You already know the answer. They know that you still dramatize upsets, that you still blame each other and communicate condescendingly, and still do your imitation of communication with them. Perhaps at school they’ve had the experience of what it’s like to be in-communication with an adult and with few exceptions it seldom happens at home. They know that you need help learning how to communicate supportively, you simply haven’t demonstrated that you've learned anything, and, that you haven’t taken any classes (coaching/counseling/therapy).
Children need to hear both parents acknowledge their addiction to abuse, they need to hear responsible communications from each one as to how each destroyed the marriage.
Keep in mind you may have damaged your child so badly that they will never ever grant you permission. The genius in them may know that you have no business being in a personal relationship, not until you have demonstrated to them that you can relate with them in a way that inspires happiness and success. They know from experience that you need their support when it comes to selecting a harmonious partner.
Here are some considerations:
Your child may know (natural knowingness) that you need help (coaching/counseling/guidance/therapy). They watched both of their parents abuse each other verbally and they didn’t like being terrorized. They felt powerless. They expected that one of you would be able to cause mutually satisfying communications to take place and you didn’t/couldn’t. As far as they can tell you are still using the same communication model, still communicating the same way, so they know that you’d produce the same result.
It’s possible that both parents are trying to brainwash the child, mostly subtly and unconsciously. Each parent is trying his/her best to not sound like a badmouther yet still letting the child know who is the more responsible parent, who caused the divorce, and who is better for the child, each parent dropping little blame-bombs in their space. It doesn’t feel good. It causes disrespect.
A child has yet to learn how to communicate that they love you, and, that there are some things they don’t respect about you—specifically, for the way you treated the relocated parent. They may in fact believe that you need to be punished, that you don’t deserve happiness yet. They know that if they treated another like you two treat each other, that they would be punished and so they might think that you need to be punished, or at best, that neither of you are ready for a new relationship. Most importantly, they know from personal experience that they cause all their fights and so it confuses them greatly to hear a parent blaming the other for starting an argument.
Each and every fight leading up to the divorce was traumatic, mainly because each one invalidated the child (each angry outburst proved that they (the child) don't inspire love.) They’d lie in bed cringed with fear and sadness. The words by one or both parents, “It’s not your fault” simply couldn’t be gotten because the mind also knows that it is in fact responsible (If I were more . . . or if I weren't so . . . I would be inspiring love). It’s just that with all the confusing arguments they have witnessed they have yet to figure out the difference between blame, fault, and responsibility. What they do know is that they do not inspire harmony and love. They know that all that they did/did not do (communicated) produced an acrimonious divorce. The words, “It’s not your fault” were delivered from hypocrisy. The veracity of other supposed truths has resulted in overwhelming confusion. For example: “Don’t yell, it’s rude.” “Apologize when you hurt someone.” “Keep your word, don’t break agreements.” “Accept responsibility, don’t blame.” And the biggie, if there was cheating, “Don’t cheat, always tell the truth.”
There’s nothing more invalidating for a child to know, that they cannot positively affect the health and happiness of their own family members. What some children notice is that the more they wish, try, and pray, the worse things get. In other words, they do affect the results those around them produce, but negatively.
For example: Children are told in school that smoking affects one’s health, even leading to cancer. So the child runs home excited about possibly supporting their parent’s health, and, using their new leadership-communication skills they have been developing, they try to get a parent to stop smoking or to talk about diet. Of course the child fails. The same thing happens when a child tries to make a difference with a parent’s abusiveness, or, if they are involved in illegal activities.
A child can sense, they can tell, they pick up on, one’s aura, when an adult is truly loving or when they are acting lovingly. They will tell you when it’s time to date and who is compatible for all concerned. Your responsibility is to bring home each date and introduce them to the family (including pets) so as to get their feedback before you kiss and get emotionally/sexually involved.
What would encourage a child to support you in having a new relationship is if there were a few fail-safe protocols in place as to what to say to you when they hear you treating your new partner the same as you did the first one. They need to have your word that you will stop mid-sentence and allow them to support you in acknowledging abuse. I.e. “Dad, that doesn’t feel good.” “Thanks, son, I got it.”
One last resource is to ask one's parents, "Do you think I'm ready to date again?" As with asking one's child you must be willing to elicit the truth and abide by the feedback. Keep in mind that parents and in-laws know, at some level, that it was their leadership-communication skills that supported the divorce, that they don't inspire harmony.
Last edited 1/19/22
With aloha,
Gabby