So you’re engaged to an ax murderer

Precluding predictable problems
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Gabby
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Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

So you’re engaged to an ax murderer

Post by Gabby » Sun Nov 06, 2005 10:08 am

So you’re engaged to an ax murderer

Well maybe not a murderer, but you've noticed that you find yourself less alive after arguments of which there seem to be quite a few. These incidents are referred to as breakdowns in communication, communications that were not mutually satisfying. And, most times you feel you have to surrender so as to maintain harmony. Perhaps you haven’t felt good after your fiancée did something that conflicts with your code of ethics, be it speeding, parking illegally, lying to your parents, deceiving someone, or being rude to a waiter. You’ve "attempted" to say something but somehow you set it up to be invalidated and your point is dismissed as being immature or naïve. “Loosen up, everyone does it” etc.

These behaviors are what’s referred to as setups. Each incident is his/her way of testing you to see if you’re worthy of his/her respect. The truth is you’re not. A person of integrity simply doesn’t attract such a person or certainly doesn’t go out on a second date with them. You intuitively know that if you made a big deal of it they simply wouldn’t see you any more, judging you to be too bossy, too much like his/her parents.

When you let something slide it’s the beginning of the end of growth and of the experience of communication. All that comes after is merely your imitation of communication. You can’t “be” with someone if you’re dragging around an incomplete from a previous interaction. If you’re holding on to a judgment, criticism, or any thought, then you have fear in your relationship. You have compromised your integrity for reasons. You are now cause for all that follows, such are the consequences of compromising your integrity for survival or the illusion of love and happiness.

Communication takes place when you can cause another to “get," to acknowledge, your point of view; such conversations end with both feeling good and valued. You don’t have to make your partner go back and apologize to the waitress, though a person of integrity would do it on his or her own, they will simply get that such behavior is unacceptable to you and others. They will value you for supporting them in being a nice person. They will in fact thank you, acknowledging you for pointing out their unconscious rude behavior. Such a partner is a “keeper.”

For more about the signs of abuse read about the Spouse Abuse Tutorial.

Last edited 11/29/23

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