#45 Anonymous letter my husband is having an affair / Am I unconsciously intending this drama?
Dear Prudence: I received a letter informing me that my husband was having an affair. The letter was unsigned and offered no proof. The letter did not mention a specific woman by name but described someone who is involved in our life in a business matter and whose husband plays with my husband on a sports team.
At times I have been uncomfortable with the interest this particular woman would show my husband, but I am confident that he never encouraged or returned the interest. When I showed him the letter, he also felt it was describing this woman but assured me he had never been unfaithful—with her or any other woman. I completely believe him.
For other reasons, the timing is very good right now for my husband to quit the activities that currently involve her and her husband, so he is going to do just that. Out question is whether we should let her know that we received the letter. We have no idea who sent it but it could be her husband, out of jealousy, or perhaps she sent it herself in an effort to sabotage our marriage.
We feel she needs to be told that she’s been accused of this. What is your advice on this matter? Secure in My Marriage and Looking To Do the Right Thing.
Dear Sec: Prudie’s inner Miss Marple says the husband did not do it, the wife did. There are head cases like this who write anonymous letters in hopes of making trouble and putting themselves in the middle of a drama.
Don’t mention the letter. The inference from your silence will be that the issue was a nonstarter. —Prudie, confidentially
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Sec: This is a wake up call. We don’t know for what reason, just that something’s out integrity-wise. People who are clear about their purpose in life, and who are operating from integrity, have no time, space, or need to create such drama.
I support you in re-examining your position. A spouse who is on purpose with his/her marriage does not attract “interest.” The love and commitment is so obvious it’s ludicrous for another to even think those thoughts around such a spouse. Only a damaged/unconscious woman would try and seduce the Pope. A wholesome person has uncanny senses. Your husband sent or is sending some signals—they may be unconscious. However, with coaching, a person who has nothing to hide could be supported in acknowledging them. The realization of unconscious flirting can be a transformational experience.
There is a communication model called intentional communication. It begins with a commitment to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously—zero significant thoughts withheld. Couples who use this model are willing to look at such “interest” communications from the point of view that they did in fact intend the interest” given that’s the results they produced. This means that you’d have to be willing to look at this incident from cause. What on earth could you be up to, that you would unconsciously masterminding such a bizarre incident? The answer is there if you’re willing to look. What could your husband possibly have done, to whom, that he would deserve to punish himself this way? Can you spell k_a_r_m_a?
Your letter reveals that you do not communicate openly and honestly, with your friends. A person of integrity would simply invite the couple to dinner. If you did you'd show them the letter and communicate your curiosity and concern for everyone in the community. Someone is reaching out for help. Four minds have a better chance of figuring out what’s going on. That this solution wasn’t already implemented indicates that there’s more in the space than you are willing to acknowledge. You’d of course have to be willing to acknowledge your withholds and judgments about her to her. I assure you her husband knows, at some level, of her “interest” communications. The experience would validate him, and, give him an opportunity to see what his intentions have been. Thanks, Gabby
Last edited 2/19/19