#132 Ex groupie doesn't want another musician
DEAR ABBY: I am dating a recently divorced man who was married to a very controlling woman for 31 years. I love him very much and see myself with him in the future. However, at the age of 53, he is interested in pursuing a singing career. I dated a musician for 16 years and I do not want a relationship with another one. I'm pretending to be supportive because I don't want to be another woman telling him what to do or stifling his dreams. Inside I am dreading it. I become physically ill when I think of losing another man to music. On the other hand, I can`t imagine my life without him. Should I continue to pretend to support him and hope he fails, or let him know that I don't want to be with a musician?- OUT OF TUNE IN DAYTON, OHIO
DEAR OUT OF TUNE: It is in neither of your best interests for you to continue lying to him because the truth will come to light eventually. He is not the person you dated for 16 years, so let him pursue his dream. The odds of a 53-year-old man becoming an overnight national sensation are long, but after 31 years of misery with his ex, if he can enjoy some success on the local level, please don't begrudge him. —Abby
Hi Out . . .: Let's begin with the fact that what you call love ain't it. I can get great feelings, lots of laughter, peak moments of happiness, however, one can't experience love, with its joy and ecstasy, when there is deceit in the space. To manifest love neither can be withholding thoughts from the other, no deceits/withholds, all of life's perpetrations acknowledged to each other; till then, all that takes place is but an imitation of communication.
Picture if you will a tight-rope walker with his wife standing below intending that he fall. Covert thwarting isn't love (read The Intention Experiment). Wanting to change someone isn't love (you both must respect and admire each other's professions).
It's not by accident that you attracted a wannabe musician. Now we have to figure out what the genius in you is really up to. One thing's for sure; you're in the process of destroying this relationship, no doubt so as to become clear about support, cause and effect, and responsibility. We can only imagine the effects your "support" had on your ex's career. Could it be that your paying yourself back (karmically) for your "support" of his career?
It's important to note that you attracted someone addicted to badmouthing, blaming, and lying. Can you spell m-i-r-r-o-r? What's worse, is you bought into his blaming lie—that she was the controller. Not so. A responsible person would have said, "Through her I discovered I have control issues and that I'm addicted to blaming." Controllers always attract controllers. The way he controlled her, was to set it up for her to suggest things and then blame and thwart her support. In a healthy relationship both partners are always controlling and surrendering, much like ballroom dancing, each guiding the other, each controlling/surrendering momentarily throughout each conversation as they glide through life. When one experiences uncomfortableness about a communication they mention it and it's resolved through to mutual satisfaction. The way he talked about her turned you against her, this is both unethical and irresponsible; it's irresponsible of you because you now are responsible for the karma that comes to both of you, from him badmouthing another and for you intending it. It also triggered an incomplete for you (an earlier, probably childhood, incident about control) which caused you to be even more incomplete and to write about "a" concern but not "the" deal breaker. Unfortunately you took his side instead of seeing that he was blaming her for the results he produced using his leadership-communication skills.
Because he is both unconscious and out-integrity he cannot experience your deceit, your pretense of support. Because you don't respect him (no matter what you believe) you automatically assume he can't tell you're lying. It's virtually suicidal to lie to someone you're thinking about marrying, ergo, my statement above, ". . . you're in the process of destroying the relationship." In other words, there are other issues (incompletes) that are serving as barriers to either of you being clear, in present time. Your present, well developed, leadership-communication skills will continue to create breakdowns in communication.
The fact that you bought into his blaming trash-talking reveals that you too are blaming your ex(s). Someone who operates responsibly simply doesn't create space for another to talk-stink about another. Your silence communicated non-verbally, "Yes, I understand, she must have been very controlling, how terrible that she destroyed the relationship. Poor you. I had a similar problem with my ex. I finally had to leave him because he kept . . ." Your behavior is referred to as enabling.
Re: ". . . losing another man to music." This is a lie. You did not lose your ex to music. The relationship was doomed way before you started dating him; this is all about your integrity and learning to tell the truth. Do The Clearing Process —it's free—it's supportive of restoring one's integrity. —Gabby
P.S. Next time, state your requirements/boundaries up front, before hooking someone. Once you can choose to not have someone you will be happy.
P.P.S. Could it be that you're resisting being an entertainer, perhaps even a singer?
Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 8/3/12)