#66 First date ends abruptly

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Gabby
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Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

#66 First date ends abruptly

Post by Gabby » Tue Dec 23, 2008 11:41 pm

#66 First date ends abruptly / Gabby would have titled it: What did I do to drive him away?

Dear Annie: I’m 21 years old and was asked out on my first date a month ago, I was thrilled. “Brad” and I went out three times, and we really seemed to like each other. Well it’s been two weeks since our last date, and I haven’t heard from Brad except once when we exchanged small talk. He’s made no effort to see me and hasn’t returned any of my phone calls. Yesterday, I left him a message, asking why he’s been blowing me off for two weeks. I haven’t heard back yet.

I’m really hurt by this. Brad was the first guy I ever dated and now I’m afraid something must be terribly wrong with me. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and forget him, but I can’t. I don’t ever want to date ever again if this is what it feels like.

How can I get over the hurt? —Heartbroken Hannah

Dear Hannah: Welcome to the world of dating—some men (and women) are jerks. Brad may have felt you were getting too serious, or he may have met someone else, whatever, but there is no reason for you to assume the fault is yours.

Since this was your first dating experience, it’s possible you could use some pointers. Ask your closest friends to give you a brutally honest critique of your appearance and your approach. Consider the “Brad” experience a way of getting your feet wet. Now is the time to wade deeper. There are lots of great guys out there, and we hope you will meet one of them soon. —Annie


Gabby's Reply

Hi Hannah: It’s so great that you reached out. It’s not so great that you’ve hung out with this hurt and abuse for this many days. You were supposed to have learned from your parents how to clear upsets and the emotional effects of unwanted problems within minutes. You appear to be prone to being incomplete, to being a victim and to being a drama queen ("heartbroken" after 3 dates??). Check out The [free] Clearing Process —it supports one in being complete—upon completing your clearings you can then invite a prospective partner to do it and then you both can do the free Clearing Process for Couples (clearings co-create a foundation of integrity; specifically, clearing create a context for knowing if/when there's a withhold in the relationship).

The source of your problem is way back much earlier, when something similar happened. Either you did it to someone or someone did it to you or, you observed someone doing the same to another. Recall and relate to someone that incident and you won't have to set up life to have another “Brad” event. Brad was your integrity prompting you to complete an incomplete so as to manifest your stated intentions.

You were unconscious on your first date beginning with how you non-verbally handled one of Brad's very first comments (possibly a condescending remark masked as humor, most likely you stuffed a significant thought so as to not ...). If we sat down and went over all the “He said’s” and “I said’s” we’d find out what you did or did not do to produce this result. These sharings (after-the-game critiques) are usually done with family members after each date. You are smart to be looking inward. Something about how you communicated, your present leadership-communication skills, produced this result. If not him, you would have had to create another with the same behaviors to mirror you.

Re: "... asked out on my first date ..." Part of your pain-drama is that you can't complete something you didn't create. Tell the truth and the pain will disappear. Just because you don't know how you seduced him into asking you out doesn't mean that you didn't (cleverly and successfully). Walking around pretending you're not searching is an act that cons can detect in a nano-second. Such naiveté magnetically attracts trollers/controllers/helpers. Girls learn how to con a guy into fixing their car during high school. The truth would be something like: "I seduced a guy into asking me out. I did ... and then I did... and then I did ... and then I did ... and then I did... and I wore ... I dressed in a way that communicated I'm not ... and that I'm definitely not .... All the while, I planned. Then I went .... I glanced at him long enough to let him know I preferred being seduced."

BTW: All divorced couples (both partners) withheld a significant deal-breaking thought from each other on the very first date; withholders always attract withholders. A significant* thought withheld automatically (unconsciously) grants your date-partner permission to withhold his/her thought of choice from you. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon. It's how an infidelity "victim" causes deception. Put another way, it's how a con sets it up to be conned.

Re: ". . . asking why he’s been blowing me off . . ." This is called a blame statement; it could very well be the primary reason he's decided to not interact with you—perhaps he could sense that you're addicted to blaming and making others wrong. Perhaps you unconsciously revealed more of this behavior on your dates. It's an addiction that's extremely hard to hide.

One clue: Cons who have yet to acknowledge their con often can’t see another’s con; they are so unaware of their con and the effect it has on others that they are no longer conscious, they are clueless. What we know for sure is that you were each leading the other on, towards what purpose we don’t know—neither of you verbalized your intentions up front. Let’s assume he was looking for an evening with sex or even for a part-time sex partner. If this was the game and you unconsciously led him to believe it was possible, he might have gotten there was no hope after the first few dates. If you don’t want sex then you must communicate that up front so the man has a choice, otherwise you get to be right that all men want is sex when they ask for it. He could be married and got caught. Who knows? What we do know is that you haven’t developed the communication skills it takes to get into communication with a man so that he has no choice but to be truthful with you from the git-go. Remember, it’s your karma that attracted such a person into your life. Women who are whole and complete, who have no need to be victimized, simply don’t create such drama. You unconsciously set him up to victimize you, that's very powerful of you. Imagine what you’ll be able to do now that you are conscious, you are getting this aren't you?

BTW: It doesn't work to leave content on answering machines, in part because now you don't know why he hasn't returned your call. Was it something you said/did on a date or, what you left on the machine—perhaps it was your in-his-face make-wrong message? If you discover he's been in the hospital your accusatory message will feel uncomfortable to you. What works is, "This is Hannah, give me a call—if possible between 6 & 7 evenings."

It’s obvious that something is going on between you and your parents or you'd be asking them for advice. An actualized woman has had thousands of experiences of sharing everything with her parents and in so doing accumulates all the skills it takes to inspire open and honest communication with most everyone. That this was your first date indicatesImage you’re a late bloomer—not bad, not good, merely late. These kinds of dating lessons usually happen between ages 13-18. You would have gotten during high school that deceit is part of the dating game, and during that time you would have refined your selection process and developed your perceptions, as to whom you can and cannot get into communication with. Some people are on such different paths that it’s virtually suicidal to even engage in an extended conversation with them. With teen dating experiences you somewhat learn whom, or what cliques, to stay away from, it’s an aura thing. If you had shared your first Brad date experience with an experienced female friend she might have told you, "If you date him again you'll lose me as a confidant; I don't want to hear about the predictable problems you two will co-create. That man will damage our friendship."

One question to ask yourself is—who would say that you have treated them the same? Brad was a mirror for you. It would work to acknowledge and clean up your childhood/teenage shunnings/abuses. I suspect you've accumulated hundreds of judgments about your teen peers and their dating behaviors, all delivered non-verbally. Some virgins carry a flag of self-righteousness emblazoned on their forehead; it comes across as holier than thou. Some dump their religious beliefs on others with frequent phrases such as "Amen to that" or "God bless you" so as to find out their date's religion or if they are agnostic—clearly a divisive make-wrong (us/them) communication. Often a recipient of covert or unconscious proselytizing will find a way to communicate that it doesn't feel good, usually non-verbally, perhaps by not returning calls. The same applies to casually mentioning your support of a specific politician/president. "I love Trump" would produce different results with different dates. BTW: Another's support of Trump is an excellent indicator of their beliefs about lying.

Your letter reeks of a well-refined “nice act,” an “innocent act,” a polite “don’t say what’s on your mind (for reasons) act,” —ripe for picking by an equally skilled con. Were you my daughter I’d recommend an Outward Bound course or even a tour of military duty so as to balance you, so that in any conversation you have choices, to be nice or the courage to say exactly what’s on your mind. If you’ll recall you’ll see that while with him you withheld dozens of thoughts. This is called being deceitful. Your addictions to withholding (deceit) and blaming causes any potential to mirror your integrity. The nano-second you looked at each other he had no choice other than to mirror you by withholding an equal number of significant thoughts also.

Also: It could be that you communicate neediness and pressure and expectations non-verbally without knowing it. If you're not experiencing love and happiness with both parents then you're possibly desperately looking for love (a relationship) to become happy; this, rather than bringing happiness into a relationship. Girls who don't have a warm loving hugging relationship with both parents often search for hugs (sex). Perhaps he expected a young woman and discovered a late-blooming teen. He simply had no space at all to not call; he somehow got that you would make him wrong for not calling. I find it works to enter into a relationship knowing how perfect it will be if they don’t keep their agreement with me. “Wow! That was a close one. To think I could have gotten hung up with that game for years.” The far senior way to enter into a relationship is to always be willing to not have it, in that way the other person experiences having a choice—zero unconscious pressure/manipulation coming from me. It's referred to as unattached intention. Many women will tell you that it took dozens of dates (with different men) to find a partner with whom they inspired to be spontaneously truthful. I.e. One who will accept your invitation to do clearings with you.

A responsible man would not date a woman who has not studied so as to have a career to fall back on; else, he assumes the role of being a "find someone to take care of me" enabler.

I am concerned that he might call and that you’d date him again. If he calls, you could say to him, jokingly,
  • Apologies, I should have made it clear, up-front, that I'm not interested in sex; I've since discovered that I'm addicted to making others wrong. I've been blaming you for not calling me instead of acknowledging that if I wanted another date I would have told you so; I would have asked you on our last date. Clearly I've been more interested in seducing you into seducing me so that I didn't have to accept responsibility for making it work; I've been making you wrong. Based upon your telephone etiquette, unless you've been attending therapy or How to Treat a Woman classes, I'm going to take a rain check on our relationship, Please don't call; good bye. And hang up—you don't have the communication skills to engage in further conversations with him and feel good upon completion—unless you surrendered again to more of his abuse. BTW: Just as you are addicted to setting it up to be abused, so too is he addicted to abusing.

It would be disappointing to your parents to know that they didn't teach you that you deserve to be treated with respect. Did you introduce him to your parents? —they know exactly who would be a good match for you. Your responsibility is to either estrange yourself from a dysfunctional family or to introduce dates to your parents (before seducing them with a first kiss) so your parents have a choice about whom you choose. Read: Inconsiderate gift to give a prospective partner.

The way to get over the hurt is to tell the truth, that you set him up to ignore you so that you could see you—once you see that then you'll know he didn't do it to you. Keep in mind that when you set up men (manipulate them) into asking you out you only get to choose from a small percentage of the population. Many actualized men create space for a woman to initiate the relationship; they know that when a woman has the courage to introduce herself she will make it work.

FYI: If you found this to be of value you might enjoy Date rape—liken to a police "sting" operation and Date rape variables.

Thanks for the great letter. —Gabby

* "significant" If the withheld thought would even slightly upset another. Fleeting non-reoccurring thoughts are not withholds.

Last edited 11/20/22

StanleyEt
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Joined: Wed Apr 27, 2016 2:34 am

View the latest post

Post by StanleyEt » Mon May 16, 2016 11:49 pm

I heartily echo this sentiment in this entire post . . .

[promotional material deleted by Gabby]

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 455
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: #66 First dating experience hard to handle when it

Post by Gabby » Tue May 17, 2016 12:28 am

Thanks for your nice acknowledgment StanleyEt. I deleted your promotional material.

Gabby

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