Pru: I have a moral dilemma, and I know you'll give it to me straight. I've been with my boyfriend, "Fred," for a year and lived with him for about six months. We get along beautifully and agree that we are each other's best friends.
A few months ago, I accepted a ride home from a co-worker after a night of heavy drinking, and I gave in to his advances and let him kiss me.
I didn't forgive myself but decided that living with my guilt was better than telling Fred.
Last week, I was out with friends/co-workers, and all of us had too much to drink. A friend's roommate started showing interest in me early on in the night, and he was unrelenting and homed in for a kiss. Had I been anywhere near sober, I never would have let him, but I did.
My dilemma is that I can't forget about it. I'm overwhelmed with guilt. I know it would break Fred's heart to know of these two instances when I was unfaithful. I just need to know, in your wise opinion, if this is the kind of dishonesty that warrants a confession or if it's small enough to keep to myself. -Guilt-Stricken
Dear Guilt: Forget about confession to Fred. It may help you feel less guilty, but it won't do a thing for him. Also, though perhaps technically "unfaithful" to the relationship, a couple kisses are not the ultimate misstep.
Which brings us to the booze. Because you seem to act against your better judgment when you're tanked up, it might be useful for your future if you forget about branding yourself with a scarlet A and instead check out old AA. Good Luck —Prudie, abstemiously
Hi Guilt: Your "moral dilemma" feint draws attention away from the source of your problem. Your question is a setup. It's one more example of your resistance to acknowledging responsibility for your creations. Your integrity won't let you get away with deceit no matter whom you con into supporting it.
You say you get along "beautifully" whereas your self-destructive behaviors (drinking to judgment impairment, seducing men to seduce you, deceiving your lover, and conning another (Pru) to support you in continued deceit) say otherwise. You need professional help. The fact that your boyfriend can't sense your deceit is proof that he's stuck doing his imitation of communication with you, and, that he needs an equal amount of counseling to get to the source of his own out-integrity. He has set up life (unconsciously manipulated you) to have his heart broken, so as to address and complete his victim act. It will help if you tell the truth, to yourself and then to him, that you have been intent on breaking his heart. You've both cleverly (albeit unconsciously) set things up to get caught for incompletes you both dragged into this relationship.
In a truly beautiful relationship in which there is open, honest, and spontaneous communication, zero significant thoughts withheld, it's impossible for one to hide or withhold thoughts from the other for any length of time. What happens is an out-integrity begins to manifest itself in unconscious thwartings, inappropriate/dramatized anger, broken agreements, unmet goals, boring/dreaded/infrequent sex, and the absence of the experience of love, eventually it begins to effect one's health.
Ask your counselor to support you in communicating responsibly the following:
- 1) "…agree that we are each other's best friends." Stated responsibly it would read, "I con my boyfriend into believing that he is my friend, however, I know that friends don't treat each other as I do him. At some level I don't respect him because he can't see through my 'friend act,' my deceit."
2) "…after a night of heavy drinking," This is covert blame (denial). It communicates that the party and others contributed to your addiction to alcohol, to you drinking heavily.
3) "…I accepted a ride home from a co-worker." Stated responsibly it would read, "I seduced a co-worker into giving me a ride home."
4) "…and I gave in to to his advances and let him kiss me." Communicated responsibly it would read, "I seduced him into kissing me and later lied and pretended that it wasn't my intention. I use alcohol as a reason for promiscuous behavior, to get back at my boyfriend for not seeing that I need therapy, for letting me get away with irresponsible relationship-destroying behaviors, for letting me con him into believing that our imitation of communication is the real thing."
5) "…and all of us had too much to drink." Another covert attempt at minimizing (denial) instead of you saying, "…once again I drank too much."
6) "A friend's roommate started showing interest in me early on in the night, and he was unrelenting and homed in for a kiss." Stated responsibly, "I seduced the roommate of someone I call a 'friend' into hitting on me using the promise of a kiss."
None of this is about Fred or the deceit; it's about your incomplete relationship with your parents. It's about you being intent on destroying your life to get back at them for something—find out what it is, when it began.
BTW: It's virtually impossible for Fred to heal as long as you keep hanging around (interacting with) him. You keep him stuck in unconsciousness and in victim. Thank you, Gabby
PS: If your intention is to heal show this post to Fred, your parents, and especially your next boyfriend, otherwise, continue going downhill taking as many with you as possible.
Last edited 12/9/16