#58 Fighting partner asks, can relationship be fixed? / How do I stop fighting and blaming?
Dear Carolyn: I have been in a relationship for over a year now, and lately things have not been going well.
We just can’t seem to stop fighting, and now it has resulted in both of our [sic] saying things just to hurt the other. Is it possible to fix or should we just give up and move on? --Seattle
A: I think you should stop saying things to hurt the other person.
You’re completely in control of that.
Drop your defenses, say what you really mean and feel, hear how she [sic][color=#FF0000]* responds to that, and then decide whether it’s worth fixing or not. —Carolyn[/color]
*Carolyn must have determined that the writer is male from the envelope address.
Hi Seattle: The answer is yes. It’s possible to fix, however, you would have to be willing to acknowledge that up to now (however unconscious you are or have been) you have been intending to drive her away. And, she would have to be willing to acknowledge that up until now she has been intent on driving you away. Then you’d both have to formulate the intention to now have it work. This means you’d both have to be willing to co-create a new communication model, a new way of communicating. You don't mention love so my sense is you unconsciously wrote to get to the source of this relationship-destroying behavior of yours.
It doesn’t matter whether you stay with each other or not, you are going to have to get to the source of this behavior, else you’re doomed to repeat it in future relationships. It has to do with childhood incompletes, others with whom you were abusive, and whom, to this day, you blame (have not acknowledge verbally to them your cause in the incident(s)).
The clue to your problem is your use of the word “We” as in, “We can’t seem to stop fighting.” It's a covert blame statement. A responsible person would have written, "I can’t seem to stop starting fights with her. I find myself blaming her, as though she’s the one who starts the arguments.”
It’s clear that you are addicted to abuse—to abusing and to being abused. A person who has completed his/her experience of abuse simply doesn’t engage in significant conversations with someone addicted to arguing, making others wrong, or to blaming. To do so is suicidal (as in contra aliveness) behavior. You've revealed that you need as much therapy as she does. She has no choice but to mirror your leadership-communication model.
Your addiction is such that you have lost your choice to communicate appropriately with someone who is saying abusive things to you (read, someone who is stuck in adversary). I repeat, you have no choice, you have become a knee-jerking puppet. She has taken on the valance of your childhood adversary, most likely one or both of your parents. You believe that when she pulls your string you have no choice but to argue; this is an unenlightened point of view. If you are willing to be powerful, and cause for this creation, then it would work to look and see that unbeknownst to you, you have unconsciously been masterminding a separation. In other words, you have to get to where you can see that you have been setting it up for her to pull your strings, solely for the purpose of supporting you in cleaning up past relationships. Now that’s communication mastery!
There is a way to complete a relationship harmoniously, with an expanded supportive experience of love. Doing so will create space for your ideal partner. Who knows, it just may be the one you’re with?
Thank you, Gabby