#51 Teen worried about accent at Outward Bound / Accent a consideration, not source of problem
Dear Abby: I am a 15-year-old high-school freshman. English is my second language. I was in ESL during junior high school. I not only learned enough English to go into mainstream, but I also have college prep classes in which I am quite good.
My history teacher told me about a program called “Upward Bound” that holds classes on Saturdays. I applied and was accepted. Now I’m afraid to go. I’m worried that people will judge me because of my accent.
I have received much advice about this issue, but I still need more. Perhaps you will help me. Worried About Colombian Accent
Dear Worried. Go to the class. You were accepted, so for heaven’s sake, take advantage of the opportunity. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. —Abby
Gabby's Reply
Dear Worried: I get that you have been experiencing fear and that you have been worrying [perhaps still are].* The problem, to go or not to go, persisted because you had not [at the time you wrote] communicated to anyone the specific fear/worry, or, all your fears/worries, or the truth (the bottom line), the specific fear, which when communicated will disappear all worries. Clue: We know for certain it’s not your accent. In consulting it’s a given that what a person says is their problem isn’t it.
Let’s begin by replacing the word worry with the word consideration. Considerations are thoughts the mind believes to be real. Considerations include worries, fears, doubts, benefits, and desired outcomes. When you communicate all your considerations the answer will appear. Right now you can’t see the answer because there is a barrier in the way. In this case, the barrier is THE truth, which you have yet to realize or communicate. I and the readers here could guess for you what the truth is, what you are really concerned about, or afraid of, but that would only “help” you, and then you’d have to set up life all over again so that you could learn how communication works. Helping (in this case giving you the answer, or telling you what to do) creates dependency. Assisting or supporting creates self-sufficiency. As you've discovered, "advice" ultimately doesn't work.
One of the barriers to knowing what to do, to making decisions that work, and to being clear enough to see the truth, is acknowledgment. If for example you have not been acknowledged specifically for what you need to be acknowledged, including life’s accumulated unacknowledged perpetrations, then you are incomplete. It’s altogether possible that parents and teachers have said the words, “You are doing excellent,” or “That was excellent,” when in fact what your mind needed to hear was that you did "quite well" or "very good" (You know you could have done a bit better). If another's praise is inaccurate, or incorrect, or even if it is accurate, but it's only said, not communicated to your truth-knowing self, then it keeps you from being complete. Such incompletes serve as barriers to going “upward,” pun intended. Let’s say that most everyone has complimented you (most compliments are well-meaning attempts at acknowledgements that are slightly off target). You might know you have done good work but that in your mind you have yet to do "excellent" work. In this case, your mind would argue with, not get, their compliment because you could hear the lie. For example: “You’re such a sweet girl” but your mind says, to itself, “If you only knew the kinds of thoughts that run through my mind you wouldn’t be saying that.”
It’s not by accident that the program is called “Upward Bound.” I have done several such programs and attribute much of my confidence and success to having confronted (acknowledged my considerations) and tucked my fears under my arm (so they didn’t get in the way) and pressed forward.
I find it works to create that the genius in me creates others making the perfect suggestions for my growth and success. To invalidate them is to thwart myself. I think it’s wonderful that you have created your teacher supporting you in having this valuable experience so far, not even having done the program. Don’t worry, if you elect to not go, there will be a few more opportunities before people just give up on you and allow you to sink into mediocrity.
BTW: Notice that your mind runs rampant with judgments, and, that you are one of the nicest people you know. In other words, you are right, people will judge you. They have no choice. They are programmed to compare and judge—if not your accent, then your weight, or nose, or beliefs. The ideal is to learn to be with other's verbal/non-verbal judgments and how to create space to communicate from your experience openly and honestly, in a way that feels good to others.
* It's possible that the act of writing disappeared your considerations.
I acknowledge you for your ability to express yourself through written English. I'm impressed. Thank you, Gabby
Last edited 3/3/18