#47 How do I relate with ex-son-in-law? / Mother unconsciously enabling friction
Dear Annie: What is the proper relationship with an ex-son-in-law? Our daughter, “Jenny,” and her ex-husband have joint custody of our grandchildren. Jenny was the one who wanted the divorce. Her ex is a good father, but the two of them have ongoing arguments.
Jenny insists that we limit ourselves to being civil at the doorway when the ex drops off the children. We feel it is OK to have our ex-son-in-law visit with us, and even join us for dinner occasionally in our home or at a restaurant with the grandchildren. Do you agree? What should we do if our ex-son-in-law calls simply to chat, or asks us to have lunch with one of us without the grandchildren?
This has been going on for several years and is causing tremendous conflict. Sometimes Jenny holds the grandchildren hostage as a bargaining chip to get her way. What should we do? —Extended Family in Massachusetts
Dear Family: Jenny should not be dictating who you can and cannot spend time with. However, being overly chummy with the ex makes your daughter uncomfortable, and it might help to be more sensitive.
It is perfectly OK to talk to him on the phone or invite him to inside for a visit when he drops off the children, but dinners together are more than Jenny can handle. Remain friendly, but explain to your ex-son-in-law that you must respect Jenny’s feeling on the subject. —Annie
Gabby's Reply
Hi Family: We know that the communication model, the one you used in raising Jenny, and are still using, trained Jenny to blame, hold grudges, manipulate (hostage tactics), and to turn others (“…insists…) against others. We also know that the way you communicate, your leadership-communication skills, your relationship support skills, are inconsistent with how you see yourself. Your innocent act and denial is unbecoming. You don’t reveal any awareness of your cause in the matter. Once you heal you, all others around you will have a choice. In this situation, you are the enabler.
When a problem persists, as this one has for several years, it reveals that there is a lie somewhere begging to be acknowledged. I’ll start with a hunch; I don’t get that you have acknowledged responsibility for the condition their relationship is in. The clue is your use of the word “we.” A responsible person would automatically use the word “I.” The problem isn’t that they ended up divorced, it’s that you support your daughter in dramatizing who’s to blame and in making him wrong, and in treating him abusively.
For example: What I do when two are arguing is I first ask each if they’d like support in cleaning up the relationship. If one say’s no, then I recess myself from interacting with that person, letting them know I'm available whenever they are ready/willing to clean things up. A good rule is to not interact with someone who is unwilling to communicate through to mutual satisfaction. If both say yes, I get into communication with them and locate the source of the friction, the original upset. The source of an argument is never ever what either believes it to be. It’s always about something similar but earlier.
Notice that Jenny doesn’t like you being in communication with him. She knows intuitively that if you keep hanging out with him the truth will come out. The truth being that she is 100% responsible for destroying her marriage. Now you and I know that he also is 100% responsible for destroying his marriage. And we also know that you are 100% responsible for thwarting their marriage and now their relationship.
What we’re looking for here is an incident between you and your daughter. It’s most assuredly a childhood incident. In communication jargon, it’s called an incomplete. It’s an interaction between you and her that did not end mutually satisfying. We know some of the factors to look for. It’s an incident in which there is blame and grudge-holding and hostage tactics. Because you didn’t resolve that incident with, and for, your daughter, she has no choice but to keep dramatizing it so as to get caught for it with whomever she relates, for life. It could be said that she’s setting up life to get caught for a time when she treated you abusively, and has yet to acknowledge that she did so.
Notice also that she operates from the point of view that she can never, nor does she want to, have a loving supportive relationship with him again. She intuitively knows that if she cleaned it all up, she’d experience love with him. And, she thinks it would mean that she’d have to remarry him. Not. Someone taught her to create and destroy relationships and to turn others against others. That’s you. You did that.
Something that comes to mind is that part of this friction could be a consequence of a withhold you have with your ex-son-in-law. It’s possible you had thoughts about your daughter which if you had told him he might not have married her. In other words, had you been open and honest with him you would have sat him down, in front of her, and told him that you have doubts about her readiness for marriage. That she is immature, spiteful, and holds grudges, that she needs therapy, that you had failed to teach her many things. It could be said that you are paying yourself back for dumping her on him.
Now, let’s look at what is upsetting her so much that she doesn’t want you to even talk with him. Given that you don't say that she uses the words abuse, criminal, pervert, or cheating in describing her reasons for divorcing him, we can assume that it’s something else she knows and is withholding from you for reasons. Your job is to find out what she’s hiding from you. It has to be something important because she’s been holding this position for several years. It’s important to know if she has a valid (moral or ethical) reason, or, if she is stuck dramatizing. You could ask him, “Come sit down with us. We have a question for you. Is this a good time? What do you think is behind Jenny’s upset about us relating with you?” Keep asking. At some level he knows. Remember, he’s stuck in victim. He also intended the divorce. He covertly (unconsciously) manipulated her into initiating the divorce. He gets to look like the nice guy (the one who wants to make things work) while she gets to look like the dissatisfied one—his manipulation verges on evil. Do look for yourself here somewhere. Both are mirroring you. Perhaps you're treating someone similarly?
If your intention is to get to the truth of the matter, and to support your daughter in being whole and complete, letting go of her controlling behaviors, then you must be willing to not interact with her ever again. I sense that she is stuck in temper-tantrum. If so, she is stuck back at some specific age, an incident, when what would have worked is for you to have said, "Go to your room and don't come out until you can tell me..." Instead, now you must say, "Complete 25-hours of therapy, don't come out until you can tell me, step-by-step, how you destroyed your marriage." Would she attend therapy if you insisted? I doubt it. I think she's more interested in being right than in creating harmony. If you’re not willing to not have her, you’ll be dealing with this for the rest of your life. You will discover that it is you who are holding her hostage (to her abusive immaturity) so that you can relate with your grandchildren, this, rather than supporting her in growing up. Daily she is teaching her children to act like her, just as you taught her.
The far easier solution is for you to do about 25 50-minute sessions with a counselor, by yourself. You’ll get to the source, your cause in the matter, and, you’ll create space for all others around you to engage in his/her own therapy. You’ll be modeling responsibility. During your therapy first focus on your relationship with your parents, then address how you have enabled your husband in this drama. Thank you, Gabby
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Last edited 12/18/20