Dear Carolyn: The stronger and happier I feel inside, the greater amount of resentment I get from two of my older sisters. Both express it in statements meant to hurt, like, “You always were selfish,” or “You have no values. You’re just a coward!”
After the explosions, there is never an apology, just an expectation that I’ll still keep in touch, with no mention of the episode. But I’m tired of it and don’t want to keep in touch anymore.
Since I think there is always some truth to what people say, should I look into myself and try to work it out with them, or is it healthier to walk away? — P.D.
Dear P.D. I have two conflicting reactions to your situation: (1) Reach out, they’re your sisters. And (2) Oh brother.
As long as you can remain objective enough to not assume or deflect all blame, I think it’s healthy to look inward in response to criticism.
Except, when you can’t tell the difference between criticism and the rantings of unhappy people. When it comes to hate-bombs like, “you always were selfish,” the proper response is to look outward for the nearest door.
Except when it’s family lobbing them, or even a really old friend. These people are extensions of you, if shed lightly, will loom as large in your conscience as they once did in your life. Short of beating them over the head with an olive branch, you want to try every possible way to make peace.
Just be strategic about it. Put down your dukes and offer, sincerely, to hear them out: “If you’re right about me, I’d like to fix it. Would you please explain what I’ve done wrong?”
In one move, you prove that you’re neither selfish, nor cowardly, nor dismissive of family: You inoculate yourself against future charges of same; and you humbly challenge them to live up to their own standards. And you can sever ties without future regrets about not trying hard enough, except if you disarm (or shame) them into a mutual attempt at peace. —Carolyn
Gabby's Reply
Hi P.D. You are addicted to abuse. A person who doesn't need their occasional fix of abuse would not hang around people who obviously need therapy. That you have trained them to speak to you like they do says that you need as much therapy as do they. Worse yet, you are unaware that it is you who covertly goads them into attacking you.
Yours is what's referred to as the Adversarial Communication Model. There is another communication model (a way of relating, a way of communicating) that produces the results you say you want, it's easy to learn, however, you have to be willing to give up all relationships that aren't mutually satisfying. It's called the Intentional Communication Model. However, it only works if you relate personally with people who communicate responsibly, from cause. This means you must stop hanging around people addicted to blame and putting you down. The Intentional Communication Model is great because when you are with such people you create (intend) them to be saying what they are saying to you. That is to say, you create your "other you" to give you feedback. You've got a head start because you naturally intuit that your sisters are presenting opportunities for you to see things about yourself that your mind won't allow.
To answer your question. Yes, your sisters are absolutely right. The problem is that they are not being accurate, and, you have had no intention for them to be specific so as to complete each incident through to mutual satisfaction. The reason someone has to repeat something is because they aren’t being gotten. The following works among people intent on being complete with each other. “Do you get that I get that I was selfish with you when I .....?” "Is there any doubt in your mind that I got that?” “What do you need to hear me say?” “What can I do to make you happy with me?”
With you and your sisters there’s five things going on that make it virtually impossible for you to clean up the mess.
- 1) Notice that the example you gave “You always were selfish” refers to a collection of incidents, all of which are incomplete for all of you. It’s all history and drama. It refers to stuff held on to, to be right and to make you wrong. It also contains a lie. I’m certain that you have been generous at times.
2) Notice also that you are addicted to blame, “There is never an apology.” A responsible person would have written, “I refuse to ask for an apology,” or “I don’t know how to cause (insert the name of one of them) to apologize.” Your concern about an apology reveals a misunderstanding you have about responsibility. If you knew that you were responsible (cause) for what’s coming at you, or back at you, then you would not need an apology. It doesn’t make sense to ask another to apologize for what you caused them to say to you. What completes an abusive interaction is an acknowledgment, which is entirely different than an apology. This is covered in detail in the Spouse Abuse Tutorial. The tutorial is for any/everyone—not only spouses intent on completing his/her experience of abuse.
3) Another problem is that your parents empower all of you to treat each other as you do. Do not make the mistake of thinking your parents or other siblings are your allies. Not. A friend would not allow such treatment of another in the same house. For you to effect healthy supportive relationships with your family you’ll have to insist that the entire family get therapy. Because of the barriers they ALL have towards experiencing and acknowledging their respect for you it's unlikely they will allow you to support them in healing. They honestly believe that you are the one with the problem. They have yet to become aware that they are stuck in abuse, this means they are not even up to denying that they are abusive. Denial could be another fight altogether.
4) Another problem is that your letter deals in generalities (“two sisters”) rather than asking for advice about one sister. You wrote to blame and complain, not to find out what you’ve done to alienate a sister. The communication skills it will take to effect a transformation with just one sister will work with the whole family; however, to become that skilled will take you about ten years. It's an awesome curriculum that requires a lifestyle change. You have to permanently and completely leave them, and then, years later, when you have healed, make a choice to return or not. Among your daily tasks will be a choice, "Do I interact with an abusive person today or not?' Presently you have no choice, abuse is as much of an addiction as is alcohol.
5) It also appears that you have succeeded at the expense of others. This is a by-product of the Adversarial Communication Model with which we all grew up. Instead of bringing others along with you, you have left them behind. The way you have succeeded generates upset, envy, and resentment. You say “stronger and happier” which I suspect is relative, almost like an altered-reality-drug-high that can’t sustain itself when you’re back in your family-member reality. It's possible you've mastered an in-your-face "I'm happy" act. It’s much like the high I experienced the first time I played hooky. What an awesome day! Then I returned to school (reality) the next day. Ugh! Genuine sustained happiness comes from serving and supporting others. It could be said that you've brought things to a boil so that you are forced to commit yourself to service. Quite brilliant of you.
You don’t say how old you are but I’m concerned that you have or will be dumping this problem into your spouse’s life. This is another example of your abuse. To even complain about (blame and badmouth) your sisters to your spouse is an unethical dump. In fact, it is unethical of you to bring another into such a dysfunctional family. To do so would not be an expression of love. An alternative is to tell an intended, "I'm estranged from my family until they each complete 25 hours of therapy. No calls, letters, messages, gifts, or visits. You don't even get to meet them. Can you support me with this intention?"
In any case, here’s how to extract yourself: First, look and see if you’re willing to not have your family in order to have an abuse-free life. If yes, write and send each family member (don’t do it verbally) the following:
“I don’t know how to interact with you and have it consistently feel good. I need to complete my addiction to abuse. I am enrolling myself in an extended coaching program that requires that I not engage in conversations in which I generate abuse. Towards this end I’ll not be interacting with any of you until I am satisfied that I have healed myself, and, that each of you have completed 25 hours of individual counseling or therapy. Please do not attempt to contact me (except for life/death emergencies) via phone, e-mail, or gifts. In other words, I'll know you value me and want me back in your life, when one of you can say, 'We have all completed 25 hours of counseling.'”
Now one of the problems in delivering this is that they all know, with absolute certainty, that you are as addicted to abuse as they are, and that you have no choice. They will not believe you and will keep testing you, knowing with certainty that you don't mean it—that you'll give in without insisting upon your ultimatum to each. That's how little they respect you.
In the meantime, you also must complete the same amount of counseling, else you’ll destroy your other personal/intimate relationships. A word of caution: At some point during your 25 hours of counseling/coaching you'll have an overwhelming experience of love for your family coupled with an experience of clarity and enormous power. You’ll feel guilty for dumping them, and, you’ll honestly believe that you are healed, and that you are strong enough to engage in conversations with them without triggering abuse. You'll opt to waive your therapy ultimatum. Within minutes (assuming none complete your counseling ultimatum) you will be right back where you are. You’ll have revealed that your stated intention, to not engage in abusive conversations, was a lie. That is to say, unless all concerned get therapy you don’t have the leadership communication skills or their permission to coach them to effect a transformation within your family.
I love your letter; it touches millions with the same problem.
Do include our communications in your letter to each. Thank you, Gabby