#36 Unfaithful past best kept out of present / Should I wake up my fellow Christian parishners?
DEAR ABBY: Please answer this quickly. There is no one else I can talk to. I am a devout Christian woman, prominent in my church and have an impeccable reputation.
My late husband’s family treats me with respect and generosity.
I was unhappy when “Henry” and I were married and I wanted to divorce him, but the man I was having an affair with at the time would not leave his wife for me. In spite of being devastated, I was also blessed because Harry died a short time later. I have been free now for 10 years.
I love my freedom and the relationship I have with Henry’s family. But recently I have begun to wonder if I should confide in my brother-in-law, “Rick” (who is getting a divorce), that I was unhappy enough with his brother to have an affair much of the time we were married. It might make Rick feel better about his own “mess” and possibly bring him closer to me. Should I open my heart to him? He thinks of me as a sister. UNSURE IN CHARLESTON S.C.
DEAR UNSURE: Your brother-in-law thinks of you as a sister because he is under the impression that you were a faithful and loving wife to Henry. If you shatter that illusion, you will spoil the relationship you have enjoyed so long with your in-laws.
Since you feel compelled to confess, confess to your spiritual advisor. Confession is good for the soul, but in your case, it should be completely confidential. —Abby
Gabby's Reply
Hi Unsure: Most readers will have a hard time getting “devout Christian.” I’m unaware of any sect that consciously supports cheating and deception?
The lie you have been living thwarts and invalidates the “work,” the stated intentions, of your pastor, your fellow parishioners, and the denomination of your church. Some might say you’ve been a hypocritical unconscious saboteur.
For example: If a team member about to play in the Rose Bowl is cheating on his spouse then it's easy to see that he is unconsciously sabotaging not only himself but his teammates and the outcome of the game. If they lose it’s doubtful that he or any team member will allow himself to examine the remote possibility that it may have been a consequence of his or the sum of their individual integrities. We have no way of knowing the effects your out-integrity has been having on your parish goals, fund-raisers, or even tithings. It’s obvious that you live from the point of view that your personal integrity does not have an effect on all with whom you relate. There is another point of view; that all communications, verbal and nonverbal (all lies and all truths), including conscious and unconscious intentions, have an effect.
Your letter also reveals ignorance about the power of intentions, both conscious and unconscious. Re: “… I was also blessed because Harry died a short time later.” I can get how you would see it as "blessed," but again, it's not exactly a Christian sentiment. It is never-the-less a manifestation of awesome power, be it yours or God's. It’s interesting that children are more conscious of this kind of power. That is to say, therapists work with children, trying to free them of the guilt of their wish for the death of a parent. Most adults believe that such a wish (intention) had absolutely nothing to do with the parent’s death.
Notice that all with whom you relate are unconscious. All that passes for communication is in fact merely talking. They each have a relationship with someone they don’t know. — You! They don't know they are relating with a contrived, undeserved, reputation—that they are not relating with the real you. No doubt at some level you hold them in contempt for being so out-integrity themselves that they cannot see the guilt on your face. Not even your pastor can read your aura. In the presence of a person of integrity, one who keeps their agreements, tells the truth, and does not withhold thoughts, you would have the experience that they know you're hiding something. This is much the same as you knew that your mother could tell when you were lying, and she could (back before your mother's integrity become so far out that she could no longer tell). You’d know that your friends and your brother-in-law could see right through your “impeccable reputation.” However, none in your social circle are conscious enough to see the deceit you’ve been perpetrating on them for years. Only cons attract cons. No one, not even you, knows the real you.
Your thoughts about confiding are consistent with the intention to experience enlightenment but your motivation and your reasons for coming clean come from the same mind that created and maintains this huge lie you live. I support you in restoring your integrity and the integrity of all with whom you relate simply because it works to tell the truth. That is to say, come clean to come clean and everything will turn out as it should.
Wake everyone up. Give them an opportunity to create new relationships founded on what’s so—the truth. When the dust settles you’ll know who your friends are—refrain from significant communications with the rest. Find yourself a communicologist, a communication skills coach. Three hours with a coach and you’ll have a whole new game plan, a new communication model founded upon integrity. It’s clear to me that you have the power to transform the relationships of everyone in your parish. If you don’t take on the task your’s and their communication model will continue producing more of the same.
Thanks for the great letter. Millions with the same problem have not even begun considering cleaning up life's perps, this makes you comparatively closer to the experience of enlightenment. Many will see either themselves or the positions they hold that support infidelity in their own church. —Gabby
PS. The cost of carrying around this deception has been enormous, it has weighed heavily on you and your aliveness, especially your face. Once you've restored your integrity (see The Clearing Process) you'll be entitled to, and therefore look ten years younger.