#32 Counseling a waste of money / Communication Skills Coaching—there is an unconnable alternative
Dear Annie: Because I believe your column is of value to so many people, I feel I must comment about the commonly given advice to seek counseling.
As a middle-aged woman I’ve sought counseling at different points in my life for various reasons and reached the conclusion that counseling is a waste of money. Most counselors require you to commit to weekly sessions, and there are no guarantees of success or methods of recourse if it doesn’t work. The money is gone. Last time I tried therapy, I stuck with a highly recommended counselor for six months before deciding it was pointless.
I will concede that many people may have found counseling to be useful but as for me, I’d rather have my thousands dollars back. Give me a guarantee or at least some guidelines of expectations so that I can recognize poor progress and make changes without feeling like a quitter. – Through With Therapy in the Midwest
Dear Through: You’ve brought up some valid points—counseling can be expensive (although there are low-cost alternatives), and there should be a way to measure progress. We spoke to a well-respected Chicago psychiatrist, and here are his guidelines for deciding whether or not therapy is working for you:
Do you feel comfortable with your therapist? Does he or she offer a tentative diagnosis or an idea of what is going on?Does the therapist’s interpretations open new thoughts, understanding and help? Do your sessions reduce anxiety and conflict? Do the sessions connect – is there an ongoing theme evolving? Do sessions make you think more when you are outside the therapist’s office? Do you dream more?Do others such as relatives friends or associates, tell you that you seem better – more confident or more at ease.Does the therapist stick with difficult sessions rather than placating you?Therapy does not work for everyone. You get out of it only what you are willing to put into it. How long it takes to make progress depends upon your openness in facing the problems and your ability to work on them with your therapist. If you feel the counseling is not helping, you should discuss it with the therapist. There may be an unconscious resistance. Ask if a consultation with a second therapist can be offered, or of course, you can get a referral of your own. —Annie
Gabby's Reply
Hi Through: I get that your letter is meant to be informative, that you are not consciously requesting advice, so I’ll begin by saying that your letter doesn’t feel good. There’s lots of blame and badmouthing and unresolved anger underneath it all. The anger was there long before your experiences with counselors. You cleverly (unconsciously) chose counselors whom you could con so that you could later blame them for failing you. You have yet to intend one to win with you.
Yours is what’s known as the Adversarial Communication Model. This is the model that is taught by university instructors to education majors, social workers, therapists, and all graduates (husbands and wives to be). It’s the same model that teachers use to pathetically beg for pay raises. It guarantees that some students get F’s while others get A’s. The model does not teach us how to communicate, it only introduces us to, and informs us about, the communication process. It’s easy to recognize a student of the Adversarial Communication Model because they are addicted to self-righteous arguing. They honestly have no choice but to argue. It’s called a knee-jerk reaction to anything that threatens their paradigm. They are equally addicted to blaming and badmouthing and to making others wrong. One never hears a public school teacher say, "The reason my student’s SAT scores are so low is because I don’t know how to communicate my subject matter to all of my students." It takes intention (a commitment to being coached) to be supported in communicating responsibly, from cause.
My reply is to inform readers that there is an alternative to therapy and counseling, it’s called communication-skills coaching. The major difference being that a communicologist, a communication-skills coach, supports communication as opposed to talking. With talking, a problem persists, throughout the entire conversation. Put another way, a communicologist has developed his/her perceptiveness to the point where it’s virtually impossible for a client to finish their opening description of what they believe to be their problem if it contains a lie (which it always does). The client gives a coach permission, up front, to interrupt them if the coach can’t "be" with what’s being said (if the coach hears a lie). An unwanted problem persists because there is a lie somewhere. Seldom can a client hear themselves lie (catch themselves mid-sentence and put in correction) until it is mirrored for them by the coach. This first feedback from the coach is so profound, for some a shock, that it creates a whole new context of openness for the remainder of the session. Quite often a client will say it’s the first time anyone has ever gotten them, that someone has not let them run their number on them. Most report that a consultation transforms their experience of communication for life.
You might be thinking, so Gabby aren't you being guilty of the same thing, badmouthing (the university system) and arguing? Why didn't/couldn't you just let this letter go? Didn't you also have to argue? The answer is yes and no. What gives a communicologist the clarity to see things most can't is that they have mastered arrogance and self-righteousness. They can choose to be or not be arrogant, whereas most people are unaware that they are stuck in arrogance. Most people have polished their "I'm not arrogant" act so perfectly that there is just no space for communication to take place. A communicologist is capable of mirroring a client's arrogance and self-righteous because they are willing to choose to do so, and they can also choose to not do so in a nano-second, mid sentence. They can, and do, back off at the first trace of an argument. They are also able of seeing the truth in both sides of any story. Thank you, Gabby