#29 Granddaughter's a behavior problem / Grandma not in communication with her child or grandchild
Dear Annie: I am recently retired, and my husband is on disability. I expected our retirement to include pleasurable activities like gardening and fixing up the house. Instead I am constantly barraged by phone calls from my ten-year-old granddaughter, "Mia," to come and pick her up at school. She says, "The teachers are picking on me." She cries and carries on until I go and get her.
I don’t know if Mia is really having problems or just doesn’t want to go to school, but either way, I feel trapped. If I give in to her demands, I feel angry. If I don’t, I feel guilty. Mia’s mother is divorced and works hard to provide for her children. I don’t want to burden her with additional problems.
Mia’s teachers are aware that she has had difficulties but the school does not seem to be helping. Please tell me what to do. —Bad Granny
Dear Granny: Taking Mia out of school is a short-term fix, and in the long run, it will not help her. You obviously are a loving grandmother and have the best intentions, but you are only enabling Mia to avoid whatever is bothering her.
Mia may be having difficulty making friends, or the academic work may be too hard, or she may have Attention Deficit Disorder or a learning disability that is interfering with reading of following directions. While it may be burdensome, Mia’s mother deserves to know what’s going on in her daughter’s life. A heart-to-heart with Mia and then make an appointment with both the school counselor and her pediatrician. —Annie
Gabby's Reply
Hi Granny: I’m confused as to whether Mia is your daughter’s or your son’s child. This is important to know. Mia is doing her best to bring to everyone’s attention that no one in her life is in communication with her—especially you.
The fact that you can’t get to the truth about what’s going on as she rides home with you is proof positive that you have unconsciously set her up to support you in learning how to communicate. In other words, you have mastered talking, no mean feat these days; you are to be congratulated. However, there is something else, and as you can tell from the results the "school" and teachers are producing, it’s not taught in school systems. This something else is called communication. Through communication you will be able to extract the truth from Mia so that she won’t have to keep dramatizing her incomplete.
It could be said that unbeknownst to you you have unconsciously waited until retirement to begin your studies of a new way of relating, a new communication model.
Whomever's child she is, your son’s or your daughter’s, that person is covertly communicating the effects of how you raised him/her. This child of yours is setting you up, paying you back if you will, for the effects of your communication-leadership model. Your integrity won’t allow you to retire until you clean up the messes you have created through talking. Everyone, including your husband, will benefit from your intention to communicate.
One clue: "If a child says a teacher is picking on them, no matter what everyone believes or thinks, there’s truth at the bottom of the barrel. Get to it quickly. Most often the teacher will lie and say, "Oh no! That’s not true." And, although Mia is telling the truth, Mia is also lying; she does so because she has exhausted all other (look at me—no energy, no happiness, no giggling and humor, I'm looking sad, I'm pouting, I'm failing, I'm getting sick) communications. "Picking on" real or imagined, reveals that her teacher is at best, unconscious. To Mia, for a teacher to not be in communication with her is the same as, being picked on. In communication jargon it’s called out-integrity. To send a child home day after day without getting to the source of such behavior is irresponsible. Such a teacher, when finally confronted with the problem, will spout forth dozens of reasons for failing to get into communication with the child. Missing will be, "You’re right. I failed to get into communication with her, and, I did not ask for support from a communication-skills coach." Thank you, Gabby