#23 Terrible kisser about to be dumped / Two doing their imitation of communication
Dear Prudence: I’ve known a guy for three months now. He lives in Seattle, and I’m from New England. Over my spring break he came to visit me. We had a wonderful time together. We kissed a couple of times. Imagine, it was the first time I kissed a guy, and I’m 25! When the break ended, he went back to Seattle.
Just recently he told me I am a terrible kisser. I really love this guy. Because I do not know how to kiss properly, he wants to break up with me. He said, "Either you take some sort of kissing class, or this relationship is over." I do not want to lose him. Any ideas on how to kiss a guy? Terrible Kisser
Dear Ter: Prudie does have some ideas but they are not easily communicated via the written word. Alas, some things are easier done than said. The technique is just something one picks up along the way.
Looking at the big picture, however, Prudie does not care for the way this chap stuck it too you. In addition, you two would have quite a commute. Perhaps the wise thing to do, given the circumstances, is to write him off. You and he had an unpleasant beginning, and it seems unlikely the two of you could … well, kiss and make up. Onward. —Prudie regretfully
Gabby's Reply
Hi Ter: Kissing is not your problem. Unbeknownst to you this incident is about you acknowledging your addiction to creating abuse. You are still (communication-skills development-wise) back at the very first abusive interaction in your life. In communication jargon it's called an incomplete.
You are not in present-time. Kissing is just one aspect of all that intercourse is. That you could be kissing him and not tell (intuit-sense-experience) that he was not enjoying it is proof, as is said, that you were out-to-lunch. It’s much the same as when a guy has no clue that the woman is faking an orgasm. It’s called "doing ones imitation of communication."
You appear to be oblivious to the fact that he blames you for his inability to kiss, to be, to communicate the truth in the now. At best he should have said, after the first few seconds, "H’m, I’m uncomfortable. I’m thinking we need to talk more before we do any more kissing." An unsatisfactory kiss (or other sex) is always always about the fact that both partners are withholding certain thoughts from each other. And no, it's never ever just one partner withholding thoughts. And if you begin the conversation with, "That kiss sucked, what are you withholding from me?" it's irresponsible blame. Begin with, "I have some thoughts I have been withholding from you.... here they are...." If they don't follow up with what they have been withholding, you are hanging around the wrong person.
That you would attract, seduce, and not pick up on, his abusive communication model, characterized by blaming and make-wrong, is proof of your own addiction to the same model. He mirrors you. One of the characteristics of the blaming communication model is to blame another for the results one produces. Another characteristic is to manipulate another (communicate in such a way) as to cause them to blame you. In other words, how you lead, your leadership-communication skills, sets it up for another to blame you and to make you wrong. You can get some sense of just how powerful you are, just how skilled and manipulative you are, if you were given the assignment, "OK Ms. Phelps, your impossible mission is to train a 10-year-old girl how to get her future boyfriend to blame her for being a terrible kisser." Just how would one go about that awesome task? The curriculum is identical to all the thoughts you've had and all the conversations and interactions you've ever participated in throughout your life. Every single one was required.
A responsible man would not have spent all that money on travel without hundreds, if not thousands, of communications on virtually all subjects. Through such conversations, the experience of communication (love) takes place more and more frequently. Had you done so you would have discovered that he needs a considerable amount of therapy. He has tendencies towards sadism and control. You are not the first woman he has consciously or unconsciously hurt by attacking them.
A person in-integrity, who comes from love, is also a compassionate dancer. When they sense their partner is about to fall they catch them rather than let them fall/fail. So too is it with kissing. Within the first nano-second of a kiss about-to-go-bad, loving partners redirect both energies towards a successful communication. Perhaps a laugh or a joke. Notice that his pattern was to keep the thought to himself, store it, and to later use it as a weapon, to make you wrong, ostensibly as the reason to not see you again.
That you were not a safe space for him to communicate truthfully, immediately, his experience of the first kiss, reveals that you were/are unconscious. His experience of disappointment was there, it’s not something one can hide, except if both parties are involved with deceit (withholding thoughts from each other). A person who is hiding certain thoughts (deceiving their partner), can’t easily tell when their partner is hiding something from them. He hid his dissatisfaction of the kiss from you, all-the-while you were withholding (hiding) certain thoughts from him. With two hiders there can be no consciousness, no-integrity. Both are unconscious, doing their "awake act," doing their imitation of communication, of intercourse.
My sense is that you have a life-deadening incomplete that's serving as a barrier to experiencing the sensations and emotions of a kiss. You are still back somewhere with an incident, a communication, that was not mutually satisfying. Through a series of conversations with a therapist or communicologist you can locate the incident and disappear the effects it's been having on your development.
It's also possible that you've been raised in a religious environment that has certain rules about dating and intimacy. Did you initiate the kiss? You may be experiencing the consequences of breaking agreements. Did you introduce him to your parents? Would they or your pastor approve of your get-together? You would do well to join a support group or schedule 25-sessions with a counselor. Your task is to locate the first time you experienced abuse and also deceit. It could be said that you’ve been asleep since then as a way of protecting yourself from the pain. What’s also true is your memories of those number one incidents (first lie, first deceit, first abuse, etc.) are not accurate. There’s a lie somewhere. We know because you caused (unconsciously intended) him to lie, to deceive you, and you, because you’re living your own lie, believed him when he said the problem was about your kissing. The reason he gives is not the truth. Someone living a lie creates others lying to them.
Also, we have no idea if part of this is about the karma of you manipulating a man into spending such an enormous amount of money on you. Perhaps you did offer but did not insist (as any enlightened mother would recommend) on paying fifty percent of his airfare. If not, you’d do well to read first-date tips on the Communication Tips for Teens. Also check out Reunion Conversations. Your letter contains value for many. Thank you. Gabby
P.S. Do show him this reply and then insist that he complete 25-hours of therapy before he contacts you again or before you interact with him in any way again.
PPS: There's nothing wrong with you. You're just learning things when it's time for you to learn them. I assure you, the "fast" girls in high school are still having the exact same communication problems, what's worse is they married a blamer. Do The [free] Clearing Process —it will support you in identifying and completing your incompletes and in restoring your integrity.
Last edited 8/19/18