Dear Prudence: I’m having a very small wedding, and I’m not inviting "any guests". My fiancé’s brother has been seeing "Sandy" for over a year. He has told us they are "taking it one day at a time" and that he is seeing three or four other women. Based on this, I chose not to invite Sandy. When he found out, he said I was being rude. I relented and agreed to send an invitation to her at her home. He responded that I could not do that because her husband might see it and ask questions. Yes, that’s right. Apparently, Sandy is married.
Now I’m really against having her. I feel that someone who does not believe in marriage (as witnessed by her year-long affair) would spoil the ceremony. Also, I don’t want everyone spending the day pointing at her and whispering. (This will be the first family event since her marriage came to light.) How can I politely tell my brother-in-law-to-be all of this, or at the very least, not invite Sandy? Not Amused
Dear Not: Prudie empathizes with you and shares your outlook on the situation, but the married girlfriend reflects on your future brother-in-law, not on you. The fact that Sandy "does not believe in marriage" is a nonstarter. If the private lives and beliefs of wedding guests determine whether or not they were invited, there would be a scarcity of fannies in those folding chairs.
You are, alas, stuck with Sandy, and the answer to your actual question—how to invite her? – is this: Have Romeo … the one with three or four other girlfriends, hand-deliver the invitation. Now forget about Sandy, have a lovely day. —Prudie, matrimonially
Gabby's Reply
Hi Not Amused: There’s two incompletes here: First, your integrity is right on in one regard. What he said is upsetting. He dumped a perpetration in your space. It’s a setup. But more about that later.
On the other hand, what your mind said the upset is about, your reasons for wanting to not invite her, are judgments. Not good not bad, merely judgments. Reasons serve as barriers to knowing/telling the truth.
Here’s the way it works. He said something that bothered you. It upset you. It transported you from a condition of in-integrity (whole and complete nothing missing, nothing added) to out-integrity (uncomfortableness, upset, and confusion were added). You were whole and complete the minute before he said what he said, then you weren’t, and still are not.
One problem is that you are unaware of what really bothered you and so you reacted with your mind which came up with reasons and judgments instead of communicating your experience. When someone calls you rude, that’s a judgment. It’s abusive. Had he told the truth, had he communicated his experience, instead of dumping an abusive judgment on you, he would have said, "Wow, when I heard that Sandy wasn’t being invited, it didn’t feel good." Nobody can argue with it because it’s not from the mind. It’s called communicating from one’s experience. So, your first incomplete began with your reaction to his abusive statement. That you didn’t complete that interaction, through to mutual satisfaction, opened the door for the rest. It just kept compounding itself getting worse and worse. However, the breakdown in communication began much earlier. Keep reading.
Once he called you rude this is what would have worked: "Biltb (brother-in-law-to-be), that doesn’t feel good. Let’s start again. I apologize for not explaining to you in person that we’re only inviting relatives, that there would be no guests. I do get that you feel slighted and that you feel a need to hurt me by calling me rude. Do you get that it doesn’t feel good to be called rude?" Now if he had argued, and heaped even more abuse on you, which I believe he would have, because he’s not dealing with his own out-integrity, then you would have excused yourself, saying, "This conversation doesn’t feel good. Let’s try again another time" and left the room.
This brings me to the second incomplete. The minute you let his abusive "rude" slide, it confirmed for him that you are not a "lady" and that you don’t deserve to be treated respectfully, and so he persisted in making you wrong, intimidating and pressuring you into inviting adulterers to your sacred wedding ceremony.
Unbeknownst to him, his upset is really his integrity at work. He set it up to get caught so as to go straight.
But first, let’s handle your out-integrity. Where on earth did he get the idea that you would support him in bringing another man’s wife to your wedding? It’s extremely important that you answer this question. Somehow, you have communicated to (related with) your intended, and his brother, and others, that your integrity is such that cheating is absolutely acceptable. Yes, that will shock you because you don’t think it’s true. Never-the-less, you’re the one that attracted your fiancé. It's your karma that brought that family into your life. You're the person about to marry into a family in which such behavior is condoned. Remember, the sons mirror the integrity of their parents who taught them that adultery is permissible. Put another way, he would never ever dare insult his brother’s intended by dumping such an effrontery in your space if he respected you. Without you knowing it you have communicated and related in such a way as to not inspire his respect. You mostly communicate it nonverbally, by silently condoning innuendos, double entendres, and certain sexist jokes. Part of it has to do with incompletes in his relationship with his brother; he doesn’t respect him and so he knows intuitively that anyone who would date his brother operates from the same code of ethics. It could be said he knows that his brother would never attract, nor be able to keep, a righteous person. The whole family is addicted to abuse.
Now here’s what this about for you. Because you didn’t immediately pick up on his abusive "rude" statement, you confirmed for him that you are addicted to abuse. No woman who is whole and complete would have allowed such an insult to pass unacknowledged. You were, in that moment, unconscious.
Your betrothed is also out-integrity. The minute he discovered (I suspect much earlier) that his brother was involved in adultery he should have told you. Instead he set it up for you to have to handle the mess so that he wouldn’t have to acknowledge what his code of ethics is/has been.
Here’s the problem: If you allow Sandy to attend then you will be condoning deceit. You will set up life for others to know someone is cheating you and no one will step forward to protest. You’ll also be unconsciously thwarting/sabotaging a sister’s (a fellow female's) marriage. I doubt if he has told the other "three" or Sandy about each other. That you didn’t mention these considerations in your letter reveals that your character is still in its early teen stage of development.
Here’s Gabby's take:
In this order. Insist that biltb acknowledge his abusive comment to you. Do this before engaging in any other conversations with him. If you can be manipulated into not getting a clean clear, "Yes, I get that that didn't feel good" then the consequences for you will be undesirable. Once you have gotten an acknowledgment let him know that Sandy is welcome to attend if she has the support of her husband. We don’t want the karma of thwarting/sabotaging her husband.
Gabby doesn’t support your upcoming marriage until you hear from your fiancé:
- 1) That he’s clear that his brother was rude to you.
2) That he is clear that his brother's cheating behavior is unacceptable.
3) That he has successfully supported his brother in acknowledging the abuse to you.
4) That's he's insisted that his brother get counseling.
5) That he has told his brother to break off his relationship with Sandy or else, "Please stay clear of us until you are through cheating."
6) That he has communicated to you that he is absolutely clear that if he ever cheats on you that it’s the same as asking for an annulment, and, that he agrees now, in front of witnesses, that if he does he will relinquish all legal rights about property, child custody, and support settlements.
Your friends (guests) mirror the level of integrity from which you operate. For example: If your friends cheat, break laws and agreements, or condone the same behaviors in their friends, and you believe that you are not like them, then you are living a lie. You have just found a subtle clever way of withholding, deceiving and abusing others. That is to say, it is virtually impossible for a person of integrity to not have a powerful, positive, uplifting, inspiring effect on all with whom he/she relates.
Do show your intended this post.
Great letter. Thank you, Gabby