#30 Boyfriend abusing our new baby daughter

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Gabby
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#30 Boyfriend abusing our new baby daughter

Post by Gabby » Wed Dec 17, 2008 2:39 pm

#30 Boyfriend abusing our new baby daughter / Mother caught in lies, blaming, and addiction to abuse

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Mickey," and I had a baby two months ago. Mickey made it clear from the beginning that he didn’t feel ready to be a father. While I was pregnant, he seemed to be excited about the birth of our child. However, since our daughter arrived, Mickey calls her names, avoids holding her, and yells at her to "shut up."

I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to him about his behavior and have even offered to go to parenting class with him, but he refuses. He says he’s already a parent and doesn’t need "classes." As a last resort, I told him that if he continues to yell at her, I’m packing up and he’ll never see us again.
Mickey’s father was very abusive, and I’m afraid that history will repeat itself. Please help. SINGLE MOM IN LINCOLN NEBRASKA

DEAR SINGLE MOM: You’re right to be concerned about your baby’s welfare. Your boyfriend knows nothing about child development and has no interest in learning. Consult a lawyer and get out NOW.
It is significant that your boyfriend is the son of an abusive parent. Mickey is already a verbal abuser; please don’t wait until it becomes physical. ABBY


Gabby's Reply

Hi Single Mom: I recommend that you continue to lie, "Mickey, and I had a baby," and to continue making idle threats, "if he continues to yell at her, I’m packing up and he’ll never see us again," and, to continue to stay with him until he hits both you and your child. And, be sure to leave him alone in the house with the baby, and then when your daughter’s older, continue to blame him. Tell her, "I didn’t really think he’d hit you. I tried to stop him from yelling at you."

You might ask why would I give you such seemingly ludicrous advice. The answer is; because I can absolutely count on you to keep doing what you have been doing. Would you leave today and get 25 fifty-minute sessions of therapy for yourself, by yourself, and, under no circumstances whatsoever, talk to him ever again until he has completed the same amount of therapy? The answer is, no. It’s not that you don’t recognize that that would be the smart thing a loving mother would do; it’s that you are so addicted to lying, blaming, abuse, and to fighting that you can’t do it. You have no choice. You are as programmed to attracting, inspiring, triggering, goading, and supporting abuse as he is to yelling at his baby.

Let’s look at "lying." You write that Mickey and you had a baby. Nothing could be further from the truth. You manipulated him into impregnating you. You are much too smart to not have known what you were up to. Until you can tell that truth, nothing will work for you. There are no "accidental" pregnancies. When in communication with a communicologist (someone skilled at supporting others in getting to the truth of a problem) each parent of an "accidental" birth will readily acknowledged that now they can see that they did in fact intend the pregnancy. Also, however unconscious they may have been at the time, each can state their motivation truthfully.

Re: "idle threats." Mickey knows with certainty that you didn’t mean that you’d leave the next time he was abusive to either you or your daughter. What you communicated was, [I’m going to wait until you do it a few more times and each time I’ll make you wrong (abuse) and I’ll try to change you by threatening (abuse) you again.] The proof is that he has been abusive to both you and your daughter since you wrote and you are still with him. It is irresponsible to issue an ultimatum to a child. Both you and he are stuck in childhood. Children have no choice, they have to lie, spill milk, and leave toys out, etc.. It’s a requirement to becoming actualized. On the contrary, as a parent you must intend that they lie when they lie, rather than make them wrong for it. To make a child wrong for lying can keep them stuck in lying for life. It not coincidence that all politicians (yes all) lie.

Part of your addiction to abuse is to seduce someone who doesn’t respect you. To heal yourself you had to attract someone who knows that you lie as much as he does, and most important, someone who allows-supports him in being rude, invalidating, and domineering, and in staying ignorant (I don’t need no parent training); someone who knows they can manipulate you. I assure you that you had many many incidents of abuse before you got him to impregnate you, yet you kept dating him. This is because you had absolutely no choice. You were karmically driven to bring such a person into your life so that you could see how much therapy you need.

Re: "addicted to abuse and to fighting." There’s not many woman who have not seen a movie in which the woman escalates the fight (quite often so as to get the man taken away by the police) by threatening to not let the man see his child ever again. It's hard to imagine a more sure-fire, button-pushing, drive-him-over-the-edge statement; the words are a weapon of awesome power. Only someone equally addicted to fighting and to hurting and being hurt would utter such an abusive statement to a man who has already demonstrated a dire need for therapy. What most people call love does not cure abuse.

An actualized woman would have picked up on his dormant, residual, childhood anger within seconds of meeting him. No way would she have dated such a man. Quite often someone in denial about his or her own addiction to abusing and to being abused can’t see another’s at the beginning. You are in what’s referred to as denial, "I’m afraid that history will repeat itself." Will? A conscious person would have written, "I see now that history is repeating itself."

You now have the incredible opportunity to demonstrate to your daughter how to opt for an abuse-free life and relationships. If you continue to hang around him after reading this reply she’ll attract the same kind of abuse. Yours is an emergency (act within the next 24 hours) situation. Thank you, Gabby

P.S. Tip to readers. Never ever continue* to date a person whose parents are abusive** except for three conditions:
  • 1) That they (the parents), at your insistence, agree to complete a minimum of 25 hours of counseling/therapy.
    2) That the object of your affections does the same.
    3) That the object of your affections requests that his/her parents get therapy, and, if the parents refuse, that they (your boyfriend/girlfriend) issue the following ultimatum:
"I'll not interact with either of you (parents), ever again, for life, until you have complete the therapy I have proscribed."

* continue means: to interact socially with the person again once you discover the abusive pattern, assuming you were unable to bring about a mutually satisfying completion of the incident.
** abusive here means: that when they do communicate abusively (see definition) they do not acknowledge it (each and every abusive communication, verbally upon request).

To not make this a requirement is proof positive of your own addiction to abuse and to your need for therapy. To ignore this advice is an absolute predictor of your intention to abuse and to be abused.

Keep in mind, an actualized person (one who is whole and complete with their parents), whom themselves are not addicted to abuse, does not attract and date those who need therapy. There are no exceptions to this fundamental relationship principle. Those who need help are attracted to those who need help—they honestly, sincerely, and arrogantly, believe that what they call love will heal another.

Here is an example of a mother committed to completing her experience of abuse:
Mother yells loudly at child, "I SAID STOP IT!" The child is startled and frightened. The abuse however is followed with an acknowledgment later, within minutes/hours (definitely the same day), "I get that I was abusive when I yelled at you." "I get that it didn't feel good." followed with a warm loving hug. Without the hug the incident is not complete.

Notice the acknowledgment does not include the words, "I'm sorry" or, "I was wrong." Such words always always guarantee more of the same behavior.


 

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