#21 Supervisor’s tirade gets out of control / How do I stop enabling abuse?
Dear Annie: I was recently at an office meeting that was called for and chaired by "Marie," one of my co-workers. Her boss, "James," sat in, which is not unusual. He does this occasionally.
During the meeting, Marie brought up a topic that unexpectedly enraged James. He began screaming at Marie, and then it got really personal. He pointed out all her personality flaws and told her she "better fix them." Much of what he said was true, but we all have flaws, and Marie has no more than the rest of us. She is an extremely knowledgeable person, and we are lucky to have her at this company.
James’ nastiness went on and on, and Marie couldn’t get a word in edgewise, although she somehow managed to maintain her self-control and dignity throughout the attack. I’m ashamed to admit that none of us did anything to support her. I was afraid James would turn the attack on me, which could damage my working relationship with him and his associates.
If I should find myself in this situation again, what is the right thing to do to support the person without jeopardizing my job? CO-WORKER IN VERMONT
Dear Vermont: James sounds like a horse’s patoot and should not be in a position of authority. Whatever grudge he’s holding, he showed tremendous immaturity and lack of control by taking it out on Marie in front of her co-workers.
Under more normal circumstances it helps to interrupt and say, "I think we are getting off track here." And then immediately move the conversations back to its professional purpose. However, it sounds as if James was semi-hysterical, and it may not have been possible to stop his tirade. The best you can do now is offer Marie your apologies and sympathy, and be supportive of however she decides to handle it. —Annie
Gabby's Reply
Hi Vermont: Your whole story is a smoke screen. It doesn't address your addiction to abuse; if you don’t get my feedback you’ll have to set up life to have it "happen" again. You need to get to the source of your fear, "I was afraid…."
It's admirable that you wrote. There's far too much agreement that abuse is acceptable, even necessary in the work place (for example: Military Boot Camp).
Whenever two are at odds with each other there is always a third party (the enabler) who is usually pretending to be an ally, who in fact is intending the friction. Most often what motivates the unconscious intention is unknown to the enabler.
What this is about is how you unconsciously intended another to beat up on another so as to bring up this conversation, to begin confronting and acknowledging your addiction to abuse. Aside from revealing James’s and Marie’s addiction to abuse you’ve also revealed yours. Notice that you don't begin with the first experience of abuse with him. How you handled the first incident is what we should be looking at because it was the turning point for you.
For example: A person who is whole and complete, with an accurate and healthy sense of self, has no need to draw abusive people into his/her life. An actualized person would have stopped James at the first abusive utterance, and said, "James this doesn’t feel good." If he argued/persisted, the person would have said, "I’m leaving now. I’ll be back in a few minutes." No make-wrong, no self-righteousness, simply a communication that the abuse doesn’t feel good (the truth) and a statement of intent to remove oneself (an affirmation of one’s commitment to have abuse-free relationships)—in effect communicating: I know you are at effect of your anger right now. I’ve been there myself. I’m going to give you some time to be by yourself for you to figure out the source of your anger. I expect an acknowledgment when I come back that you are clear that you know your communication didn’t feel good.
Your problem began within your family. You have been programmed to take sides in an argument. A person who is clear about responsibility, one who has completed his/her addiction to blame and make-wrong is able to guide (those willing to be guided) both participants, of a fight in acknowledging how each started it. In other words, if a communication skills coach were to ask Marie what she did to cause the abuse she would relate her cause in detail. I assure you that fight had been going on for some time. In truth both were reaching out for help. James’ reaction was inappropriate for a single error or a first-time thwart. It wasn’t about burnt toast; for him it was an accumulation of a lifetime of anger, beginning with a specific childhood interaction, which is still incomplete to this day. That neither you or Marie got up and left the room indicates that you are both addicted to abuse.
Notice your resistance to communicating from cause:
You wrote: "James’ nastiness went on and on, ...." instead of, "I supported it in going on and on."
You wrote: "I’m ashamed to admit that none of us did anything to support her." This both a blame statement and a lie. You certainly did support her. "none of us" is your mind's way of avoiding the realization of your cause in the matter. Written from responsibility it would read, "I get that I supported her in being verbally abused." Or, "I get that I supported her victim act." or "I get that I empowered him in abusing her."
What’s up for you is to formulate the intention to complete your experience of abuse, until then you will continue creating others mirroring you. Look how right you get to be because you didn’t have the courage to nip it in the bud? Remember, it was you who unconsciously selected, out of all the places to choose to work, a place in which the angry vibes are evident on everyone's face. An actualized person would simply not even apply to such a place for employment. It's just not the place one goes to find harmony, and love, and mutually satisfying relationships. Just look at all your fellow employees who have compromised their integrity, sold out for money (survival), knowing full well that James needs therapy. It reveals their own need for therapy.
Also, that everyone unanimously remained silent, that none came to her aid or defense, suggests that everyone had withholds in their relationship with Marie. In other words, he was delivering, albeit abusively, some of the communications others had thought and stuffed, as you pointed out, some were somewhat true. You all were unconsciously enabling him. This behavior of your will have undesirable consequences in your personal relationship(s) unless you get therapy. You, and anyone reading this, can no longer say, "I didn't know." Thank you, Gabby
Please show this to everyone at the office and those with whom you relate personally,