#15 Daughter-in-law is abusive to my son / Did I train my son to abuse and be abused?
DEAR ABBY: My problem is my daughter-in-law, "Marla," and the verbal abuse she heaps on my son, "Jack." She belittles him in front of me and the children on a daily basis. All my life I listened to my own mother do the same thing to my dad, and it’s something I cannot tolerate.
When I’ve asked my daughter-in-law not to talk to Jack like that. Marla directs her anger at me. So all I can do is what I did with my mother—get up and leave the room. What I want to say is, "Stop it!" He’s a good man who’s been there for you from day one and doesn’t deserve to be trashed!" But I’m afraid it would cause more trouble. I bought Marla a book on anger management, but she threw it away. Last week, I wrote her a letter giving her "what for." (I never mailed it.)
Abby, I’m at my wit’s end with this woman and I’m not sure what’s the most productive way to move forward. If you print this, I’ll know she’ll read it. No name or town please. Sign me. TRYING NOT TO BE AN INTERFERING M-I-L.
DEAR TRYING: As much as you might wish to intervene, your daughter-in-law’s verbal abuse will not stop until your son finds the strength to end it. He needs counseling to boost his self-esteem to the point that he can stand up for himself. Encourage him to do it soon because verbal abuse damages everyone who’s exposed to it—including the children who grow up thinking it is normal behavior. —Abby
Gabby's Reply
Hi Me: You have to be willing to acknowledge that you taught your son to seek out, create, and put up with abuse. Just like your dad. This whole drama is about the lie you have been living. They will have to keep reenacting it daily until you get therapy. You have trained your son. He is now addicted to abusing and being abused. Worse yet, you empower him as the victim, the same as you did your father. In effect, you are experiencing the consequences for having taken sides, for making your mother more wrong than your father.
If I were your father I would have to be willing to acknowledge that I covertly turned my daughter against her mother. This verges on evil.
You have yet to learn the Wisdom of Solomon. Meaning, whenever you see two fighting both started it. You honestly and sincerely believe that your father was the innocent victim. Not so. In all our communication workshops, and during hundreds of coaching consultations, I have never met a person who was involved in an abusive relationship who did not, with coaching, acknowledge their cause in the matter. They acknowledged to me that they could now see how they started the fights, how they goaded their partner, and how they turned others against their partner so no one would see that they were as-sick-as, equally abusive as, their partner.
Just as your father had no choice neither does your son; he has to do this in front of you to support you in healing. As always you are the leader. No one around you can heal completely until you do. You are an enabler. You have yet to formulate the intention of living an abuse-free life. To do so you will have to be willing to let go of all of your relationships (yes all) because they are unwittingly part of your addiction.
In truth, it hasn’t gotten bad enough for you to do what it takes to complete your experience of abuse. Your letter is only more of the same drama. You cannot and will not do what it takes to heal. Not yet. Not today. This letter is part of your story, so that you can later say how hard you tried. Perhaps if your son "snaps," through your leadership, and puts her in the hospital and himself in jail, you’ll get how bad it is.
Whenever a problem persists look for the lie(s). One example is: "it’s something I cannot tolerate." This is a lie. You have no choice but to "tolerate" it. It's actually worse than that; you don't just tolerate it, you unconsciously intend it, such is your addiction. You actually need your timely fix of abuse. Part of your addiction withdrawal process will be giving up making others wrong.
How you communicate, how you relate, your communication model, creates abuse. You’ll know that you have taken the first effective step when you have issued an ultimatum to your son and his wife that you will not be relating in any way whatsoever with either of them until you have completed 50 fifty-minute sessions with a therapist/counselor; and, they both have done the same. Only then will you have a choice. Else, in three years you will still have the exact same problem. In the meantime, read about the free Spouse Abuse Tutorial. I say "read about" because you are not yet eligible to do the tutorial—you can't complete your experience of abusing, and being abused, and enabling abuse, as long as you continue to interact with other addicts.
Yours is a very valuable letter. Many will see themselves. Thank you , Gabby