#12 Friend is stealing my dates / What's at the root of me sabotaging myself?
Dear Annie: I am a single woman living in an apartment building in a small community. The problem is my neighbor, "Linda." She stops by every so often but when I have a man over, you can be sure she will be on my doorstep. She has already broken up two of my relationships because she invited my male friends to her house and got rather chummy with them, if you get my drift.
Recently I have become involved with "Jared." I told Linda I would appreciate it if she wouldn’t get too friendly with him. She said not to worry.
Meanwhile she went behind my back and invited Jared to her house and gave him her phone number. When I confronted her, Linda said she sees nothing wrong with having an innocent cup of coffee with one of my boyfriends.
I realize if these men cared about me, they wouldn’t give Linda a second look but I still believe a real friend should not behave this way. I can’t afford to move, and I’m tired of Linda going after every man I date. Any advice? KENTUCKY SINGLE
Dear Kentucky: Face it. Linda is not a real friend, she’s a shark. She enjoys the challenge of stealing your guys, so stop letting her in your door when you are entertaining. Meanwhile, you need some new friends. And while you’re at it, try to date guys with more integrity. ANNIE
Gabby's Reply
Hi Kentucky: If you allow the remote possibility that there are consequences for lying and blaming, then you have the source of your problem. She did not steal your two boyfriends. You’re the one who picks up men whom you know your parents would not approve of you dating. You’re the one who started the relationship with your "friend," a person of questionable character. By "started" I mean, seeing her a second time. A conscious person would have picked up, within a few conversations, where she comes from, her abusive communication model, and stayed away from her. That you couldn’t see her says you needed her so that you could see you. It could also be said that you unconsciously set her up to steal men that weren't healthy for you. You could use her as a litmus test and only date twice those who refuse her advances.
There’s something going on with your integrity that you would attract a "friend" like her into your life and attract men whom you would cause to treat you like these men have. Your integrity is doing its best to support you in cleaning up something similar that happened earlier in your life. Whatever it is you have put it to the back of your mind, hoping you won’t have to clean it up. It’s a biggie.
Notice that you did not catch your blaming lie when you were writing. This is called unconsciousness. Most everyone who reads your letter can see it clearly. It’s just that your mind presently has filters. It’s keeping you from seeing the truth, your cause in the matter.
I’d suggest that you begin by looking to see who in your life would say that you treated them similarly except that your mind most likely won’t allow you to access that particular incident. What you’re looking for is a specific incident in which you "stole" someone’s friend. Perhaps in kindergarten you walked up to a girlfriend who was talking to a boy, for whom that conversation was very important, and you yanked the boy away from her to play with you on the swing. Seemingly innocent, except that those two never talked to each other again. That was her moment. She had mustered up all her courage to go up and engage him in a conversation, and you at the critical moment, "stole" him from her. It's something similar.
Another incident to look for is a time when one of your parents asked you to not do a particular thing (such as you asked your friend to not "be friendly with him") and you ignored them as she did you. You have yet to acknowledge to your parents that you now know that it didn’t feel good to thwart and invalidate their wisdom and wishes.
Yet another incident to look for is your very first blame. You blaming your "friend" is merely a re-creation of a lifetime of blames that you’ve dumped in the space of others, hoping that someone was sharp enough to call you on it. You need to acknowledge your first blame, first to yourself, then to whomever you lied. That blame, unacknowledged, set in your addiction to blaming. Now you have no choice. You can’t even hear yourself when you are doing it; it’s become so natural for you to do.
Until you clean up these firsts, these incompletes that are running you, you will continue to be addicted to men who treat you poorly and to "friends" who thwart and sabotage you.
Great letter, thanks, Gabby