Dear Carolyn: I have recently become involved with a man, a potential boyfriend. It’s the first time I’ve been excited about someone since I broke off a relationship with an abusive ex-boyfriend. I was honestly beginning to wonder if I would ever want to be involved with a man again. I know I need to take everything pretty slowly so it’s convenient that he’s also in that frame of mind.
The other night he was talking about a friend who seems drawn to women coming out of abusive relationships. He said it was a really bad idea. I (innocently) asked why. He said women who have gone through that have trust issues. I changed the subject. I really hadn’t thought about if/when I would tell someone about my emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Is that something I should tell a boyfriend? And if so, is the time to tell just whenever I feel like it or are there signs I should watch for? (Oh, I am in counseling and am doing extremely well.) – New York, N.Y.
Carolyn's Reply:
Dear New York: I can see that from your perspective this guy has put you in an awkward spot, but if you lean over this way, you might see that he’s given you a great opening to talk about your past.
First of all, yes, you should talk about something like this with a boyfriend, just as you’d talk about anything else that went a long way towards shaping your life, like your upbringing or school years or career goals or interests. It may suck, but it’s still a part of who you are.
As for when you talk about it, that’s your call. The sweet spot between blurting and covering up is something we all have to find for ourselves.
And now you can bring it up by telling him you thought a lot about what he said about it being a bad idea to date abuse survivors, and that as a survivor yourself you have something to add: that dating women who have gone through it and haven’t dealt with the repercussions is a bad idea. This could be a great conversation for both of you—or it could be early notice that this isn’t the guy for you. —CAROLYN
Gabby's Reply
Hi N.Y. "innocently," nope. That was your integrity at work. It could be said you unconsciously "set him up" to bring up the subject by sneakily avoiding bringing it up yourself.
Your story brings to light one major difference (hugely significant in terms of results) between a therapist and a communicologist (a communication-skills coach). The up-front agreement with a coach is that you must be willing to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously with, in this case, the person you’re dating. To not is both deceitful and abusive. Also, with a coach, the agreement is that you must be willing to be supported in communicating responsibly (from cause). In this case your cause of the abuse in your previous relationship(s). Presently, you are still addicted to blaming and badmouthing. I.e. ". . . broke off a relationship with an abusive ex-boyfriend." A responsible woman would have written, ". . . since I broke off an abusive relationship." —notice the absence of blame, no covert communication that he was more abusive. Apparently, you have not experienced the consequences of saying anything negative about another. This unconscious badmouthing of your ex indicates that you are more addicted to abuse than you can even begin to imagine.
You ask when to tell someone about your past. When would you expect a man to tell you he was impotent, had been in jail, or had slapped his former girlfriend? Certainly not after you conned him into hooking you with his extremely well-perfected kiss.
Re: "Oh, I am in counseling and am doing extremely well." I recommend that you find another therapist. You unconsciously chose one you could con into supporting you in not addressing the source of your abuse. Also, your therapist does not inspire you to tell the truth, to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously. Zero significant withholds is the key.
My advice to your boyfriend would be for him to insist that you commit to completing twenty-five 50-minute sessions with a new therapist (before another date), else he will eventually find himself angry about your unconscious "innocent" and abuse-creating behaviors. And, you should insist that he do the same. That is to say, he needs an equal amount of therapy. He's hiding something for which he has yet to accept responsibility. His ". . . women who have gone through that have trust issues" is a covert blame statement. A truthful statement would be, "I have trust issues. I once caused a woman to deceive me, to not trust me." Notice that he has sneakily hidden from you how he arrived at his position? He has yet to tell you her side of the story.
BTW: Abusers always attract abusers. A person who is whole and complete (one who has acknowledged all life's perpetrations from cause, and who has no significant withholds with anyone of significance—a person who is in-integrity), having no need for abuse in their life, no need to have their addiction to abuse mirrored for them, does not attract a person addicted to abuse. You attracted each other, ergo, he also is addicted to abusing and to being abused. Thanks, Gabby
Last edited 6/27/22