#6 In Mom's eye, girl can't do anything right / Yelling is abusive
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 14-year old girl. My problem is my mother and the nonstop fights we’ve been having lately. I’m trying hard to do all the right things—keep my grades up, maintain my friendships—and maybe find nice boyfriends. Through it all, I’ve tried to make Mom my No. 1 priority.
My father left us, and Mom has done everything for my brother, sister and me. Even when she only had had 20 bucks in her pocket, she still kept us in our house with food on the table. What’s hardest for me right now is that I can’t do what other kids my age can—or go where they go—because of lack of money.
I have been reading my Bible every day and praying for my family—even for my dad. But I can’t seem to make Mom happy no matter how hard I try. She yells at me every time I turn around. I need some of your best advice, Abby. You can’t imagine how great it would be for me to hear something positive from Mom for a change. Thanks for listening. TROUBLE WITH MOTHER
DEAR TROUBLE WITH MOTHER: From your description, it appears your mother is stressed out and is not the mother she would wish to be. Her short fuse has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her overwhelming responsibilities to you and your siblings. Please don’t take her outbursts personally.
Clip this column and show her this letter. Tell her that you wrote it, and that you love her. Appreciate her, and want to please her. Try to be understanding. She probably doesn’t realize how bad you have been feeling, and she needs all the support she can get right now.
If the yelling continues (too much yelling can be abusive), discuss it with your clergyperson or a counselor at school. They may be able to intervene on your behalf.
As for your money problems, start asking around and see if you can pick up some baby-sitting jobs for extra money in the short term. In another year or two you will be able to get a part-time job if you wish. ABBY
Gabby's Reply
Hi Trouble with Mother: You’ve described how screwed up your Mom is quite well. Most would agree that you’ve mastered blaming. For example, a responsible person would write, "My problem is the nonstop fights I’ve been having with my mother."
I would have felt less concerned about you had you asked, "How do I get my Mom to therapy?"
My reply will not support you in getting your Mom to communicate positively to you. Forget it. You can’t change her and you don't have her permission to coach her. From your description she hasn’t destroyed enough relationships in life to seek help. It’s interesting to note that you capitalize the word "Mom" and not the word "dad." I suspect you got your pattern of blaming from your Mom.
At some point in time you will learn that if you keep doing what doesn’t work you’ll keep producing more of the same undesirable results. "Trying to make your Mom your No 1 priority" obviously hasn’t worked, yet you still keep trying. One way to find out what a person has been up to in life is to look at the results, not what they say they want.
It’s also evident that reading your "Bible" hasn’t worked for you. Clearly you’ve been intent on failing with your Mom and even covertly blaming God. Someone intent on not arguing simply walks away. Someone stuck in wanting to be right, and making another wrong, starts an argument and then lies about who started it. You should have learned by now that anything other than "trying" might just work. That you haven't, suggests that you have been damaged to the extant that you need therapy.
A religious person intent on having things work goes to a Bible reading/interpreting coach (A.K.A. a clergy person), and, at the same time gets coaching on how to formulate prayers that work. You obviously have not been asking "God" something he/she can grant you. A consciously worded prayer is always always answered.
You have a serious problem. You’ve already been so abused that you no longer know right from wrong. You make excuses for your abusive mother. You are in what's referred to as denial. So what that she has fed.., so what that she…etc. That's her job. The truth is she is stuck in abusing you and your siblings. I say "serious" because you have no one to model for you that you’re supposed to issue an ultimatum. "Mom, get therapy and stop your abusive yelling or I will report you to the authorities." If you don’t have the courage to do it now you certainly won’t when it’s your husband abusing you. And, no matter what you believe, unless you immediately enroll yourself in 25 hours of counseling you will attract an abusive partner, because you are addicted to the abuse. To you it means love.
The longer you put off insisting that your Mom get counseling the more damage you cause your Mom to inflict upon your siblings.
Here's the steps to take: Tell your Mom that you want her to get abuse therapy/counseling. Tell her that if she doesn't get counseling within a week that she'll leave you with no responsible option but to bring in outside help. She'll lead you to believe that she'll get counseling but on day 7 you'll notice that she has some good reason why she hasn't. won't. She'll behave for a few days and then resort back to yelling. Given that you are bound up by fear in your relationship with your Mom, and most likely can't picture yourself telling her to get therapy, the next best thing is to discuss the problem with your pastor or a school teacher—a responsible adult will effect a solution. My sense is that your addiction is such that you won't seek outside help so that you can continue to get your daily fix of abuse.
Keep in mind that part of your addiction to abuse is to apologize when later in life your siblings ask, "Why didn't you do something?" And yes, telling an outsider is the same as "ratting" on her, "reporting" her, it will cause her embarrassment and "get her in trouble," that's because she is mistreating children and needs to be stopped. She is setting you up to support her in healing. In truth you must assume the role of her mother.
Lastly and most importantly, yelling is abusive, no matter what you read or who tells you otherwise. Come from your experience and you’ll know this is true. What’s also true is that once a person acknowledges that they have been sick and stuck in abuse, they will try to stop and still continue yelling. They still will have no choice. The difference will be that they will have asked for your support to clean it up once they see that they have done it once again. It’s your job to point it out and to extract an acknowledgment, each and every time. You'd say to your mother, "Mom, that didn’t feel good. I’d like to hear you tell me that you know it was abusive." If you "try" this on your Mom it won’t work. She has yet to acknowledge to herself, or you, that she has been stuck in abuse, and, she has yet to ask for your support in completing her experience of abuse (see the Spouse Abuse Tutorial). Eventually a person will arrive at choice to clean it up himself or herself and ultimately they will have a choice, to not abuse.
You could start babysitting and offer to split the take with your Mom.
Show your letter and my reply to your Mom. Thank you, Gabby