#5 Teen who had molested a child now being abused

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Gabby
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#5 Teen who had molested a child now being abused

Post by Gabby » Sun Dec 14, 2008 3:45 pm

#5  Teen who had molested a child now being abused / Teen mirroring adults

 DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law remarried a year ago. His new wife has a teenage son, "Josh," from a previous relationship, and my brother-in-law is in the process of adopting him.

Recently my husband and I invited the three of them to our home. It was the first time we had met our new sister-in-law and Josh. They both seemed nice, but my husband and I sensed that there was something about the boy we weren’t being told.

Last night my husband’s mother confided in him that four years ago Josh was caught in the act of molesting and sodomizing his 9-year-old female cousin. He was convicted by juvenile court and sent away for three years.

The next time we saw Josh after learning this information we were at the home of some other relatives. The family had gathered to celebrate an uncle’s birthday. During the course of the party, Josh spent time alone with several young cousins of both sexes in the basement playroom.

I told my husband that the other parents in our extended family should be told about Josh’s history, but he strongly disagrees. What do you think, Abby? Should I keep my mouth shut, or make sure that the next time Josh attends a family gathering, the parents be forewarned? I’m afraid to let this go, but I will abide by your answer. WORRIED SICK ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR WORRIED SICK: I disagree with your husband. The parents should be told so that they can be sure their children are adequately supervised in their interactions with Josh. To pretend that the boy has no history of molestation would be both irresponsible and risky. —ABBY

Gabby's Reply

Hi Worried Sick: It’s appropriate for you to be concerned. It’s your integrity.
However, by focusing on Josh’s problem you don’t have to acknowledge that you are addicted to abuse. You can thank Josh for revealing your addiction to both abuse and covert sabotage.

I’m referring to the fact that you have yet to learn to communicate from your experience. That is to say, you experienced something during Josh’s first visit and you sat on it. Worse yet, you supported your husband in sitting on his experience also. It’s called suppressing. This pattern is founded upon fear of telling the truth in the moment. Euphemistically it’s called being tactful, or polite. In truth, it’s being deceitful. You aren’t being open and honest with people. It generates badmouthing (conversations behind the backs of other's).

An actualized woman would have sensed something, from what was said, or not said, by Josh or his parents, no doubt from his nonverbal behavior. A person who operates from integrity can tell when they are in communication with an open, and honest person, or if the person is shut down. Josh is obviously shut down. He’s been so made wrong for his behaviors that he's carrying around hundreds of thoughts with absolutely no one to share them with. Most importantly, he is carrying around unacknowledged guilt which guarantees more of the undesirable behavior. He’ll have to keep dramatizing it until someone on this planet acknowledges him and gets him.

So, this sense, this intuition, during Josh's first visit, was your integrity at work. Within nano-seconds of this first experience your integrity went from "out" to even further out. I say "further out" because you obviously have hundreds of unacknowledged perpetrations—it's clear that this was not the first time you badmouthed another. A second later you were no longer whole and complete in your relationship with Josh. You went from being whole to being incomplete in one communication, a word, a glance, or an uncomfortable silence. And, you stuffed it, rather than say, "Hey Josh," or "Hey everyone, I’m feeling uncomfortable and I don’t know what it is. Can you help me get to what it’s about?" Instead you stuffed your experience and later badmouthed Josh behind his back. This (badmouthing) is called abuse. What would have worked was, "Josh, come out in the kitchen, I’d like you to help me with something. How’s thing’s going? How’s life? Are you into a hobby, sports, girls, or studies?" In other words, the intention to get into communication with a teen is all it takes. Their responses reveal either a serious withhold (characterized by persistent uncomfortableness and a lack of spontaneity and little or no eye contact) or, that they are a normal healthy teen that loves to talk with someone who will listen and not judged them. "Josh is it me, or is it just that you don't have many comfortable conversations with adults? Who do you have that you can say exactly what's on your mind to, no filters or monitoring?"
Later when you enrolled your husband in the abuse, after Josh left, you added to your out-integrity. You supported your husband in speaking negatively about another behind their back. This of itself is not bad or wrong. Where it turned from clearing to abuse, where you compounded your out-integrity, is, neither you nor your husband recognized that you were talking negatively about another. This is a result of a deeply ingrained pattern of doing it quite regularly, of not having even one relationship in which the agreement is open, and honest, and spontaneous communication, zero thoughts withheld. So you did not think to immediately call Josh and share what you were discussing with your husband.
  • "Hi Josh, is this a good time to talk? Do you have a few minutes? I was just talking with my husband and realized that I had a strange feeling about you during your visit that I didn’t share with you. I’m wondering if you could shed some light as to what it’s about?"
The conversation that would result from that opening would have depended upon your communication-leadership skills. The more whole and complete you are the more comfortable you are in talking about such things.

Can you see that Josh was merely mirroring the communication model of everyone around him? — have a thought and not share it. "H’mm, I wonder what it would feel like to play with…?" At some point in time his parents turned off his inquisitive spontaneity, they shut him down. And so began the stuffing of certain thoughts. All sex abuse begins with a single thought. If a person has a safe space to tell the truth they share it. If not they stuff it. Some thoughts gain in mass and definition and eventually are manifested.

What I’m most concerned about is your silence when you first discovered that Josh was at the party. This is called covert sabotage. You look good and Josh remains the villain in your drama. An actualized woman would have called Josh over and sat him down and spent as much time as he required to set up the rules of how you and others should relate and communicate with him given his past behaviors. The celebration was in fact inappropriate. Everyone’s focus should have been on Josh and how to support him. Inappropriate laughing and joking in front of someone who needs first-aid is abuse. What would have worked is for you to have invited everyone to your house the weekend before the party to talk about your concerns. Such a support group would include Josh’s parents acknowledging that they had been unconscious and not at all in communication with their son, thereby granting him permission to entertain himself sexually without guidance. It appears that no one sat Josh down and communicated (communicating is different than telling or admonishing) to him, "Masturbating is normal and healthy. Sex play with boys your age is normal, however, sex with young girls or older boys or girls or men is totally banned. And here’s all the reasons why." "And Josh, you’re normal to have such thought’s, of girls, and animals, and such things. And, you need to keep sharing with me all such thoughts. It only turns to unhealthy when you don’t share your thoughts. I’ll match you, one of your thoughts for one of my childhood thoughts."

You have several problems on your hand. Notice that you empowered his mother in trashing Josh. His mother should have said, "Wait, stop. It doesn’t sound like you have talked to Josh about this. Have you told him how you feel?" I’m quite certain that you and your husband are hiding some things from each other, for good reasons. Your husband is even more committed to secrecy than you. It’s not by accident that you brought Josh into your life. He is your guru, your mirror. A reminder to heal yourself. Thank you, it’s a great topic. —Gabby
 
 

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