#2 She should stay clear of abusive ex / I'm already abusing new friend
Dear Annie: I was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship for three years. During that time, I became depressed, gained weight and was suicidal. Before deciding to slash my wrists, I sought professional help. Within months, I found the courage to walk away from the relationship. It was scary, but it was the best thing I ever did for myself.
I continued counseling for two more years, and have since regained my self confidence, lost weight, found a great job and am making new friends. I never thought life could be so beautiful, especially after I met a wonderful and loving man, who knew about my past and has remained supportive. We both are looking forward to a bright future together.
Here’s the problem: It has been three years since I have talked to my ex, but last month, he e-mailed me, wanting to know if we could be friends again. He asked if I would stop by his office to chat. My first reaction was horror. My therapist tells me it’s a very high-risk situation and it’s best to avoid the person when possible.
What do you think Annie?
Should I give my ex one more chance to be a friend, or should I close that chapter and move on? Please answer soon. He’s still waiting for my response. UNSURE AND SCARED
Dear Unsure and Scared: Your therapist has given you good advice, so we wonder why you are still searching for a second opinion. If you are happy now and have found a loving companion, nothing good can come from renewing your relationship with your abusive ex.
Whether or not he has become a better person in the last three years, you no longer need him in your life.
If you feel you must have closure, send him an e-mail, wish him well, and ask him to not contact you again. If he writes back, ignore him. Under no circumstances should you start up a correspondence. --Annie
Gabby's Reply
Hi Unsure and Scared: It’s obvious that you and your therapist have not identified the source of, and disappeared, your addiction to abuse, to abusing and being abused. Once you tell the truth about it the fear will be gone, and, you will know how to handle others (your ex) who are stuck in abuse. You will also know that for the rest of your life you will have to stay out of communication with anyone addicted to abuse, and that to interact with them is suicidal (as in, detrimental to your aliveness, your health), like an AA member taking one drink.
You are confronting your cause of the abuse between you and your ex so it’s both natural and admirably loving that you have compassion and forgiveness in your heart. What’s not healthy is the hope. Let go of all hope of him ever healing. He will either heal or not heal, however, we already know that you don’t possess the leadership-communication skills it takes to inspire him to heal (more about this below). You are righteous to have formulated the intention of having a supportive relationship with your ex, however, both you and he, and your present friend, need fifty hours of therapy (all separately).
Here’s why. You appear to be oblivious to the fact that your ex is out-integrity to be asking another’s girlfriend to rendezvous. There's two clues that validate this statement. An ethical ex would have written, "If you're not involved, I'd like to meet with you." And, that you did not reply immediately, if only to let him know that you'd need to talk it over with your boyfriend, leaves me suspect. Your delayed reply (instead of—see below) can be assumed by him to mean that meeting him is a possibility. Because your letter didn't say that you did meet with him I'm assuming that you have not; in which case, you have set him up to hang out in hope. Leading him on is called control. It's abusive. It keeps another incomplete.
What's also true is that you are out-integrity. It appears that you have not discussed this with your new friend which suggests that you lack an admirable moral code. You're missing a sense of what’s right and wrong, or at best, what's appropriate. Most agree that for you to even be considering meeting him to be suicidal behavior. Most importantly, it is deceptive, and, abusive to dump such a problem into the space of your new friend. When your new friend finds out you have been in communication with your ex behind his back (and how you're handling it) he will be both upset and hurt. By inviting you, your ex is supporting you in deceiving (abusing) your new friend. It's clear that you don’t have the leadership-communication skills to inspire your ex to act ethically (to heal).
I’m wondering what your new friend will think about the email from your ex with whom you have an incomplete. I say "incomplete" because if you were complete there would be no fear. Fear is disappeared through communication, something you have had plenty of time to do through your extensive therapy. If you have not told your new friend about the email both relationships are doomed. I say doomed because you already are covertly abusing your new friend (via deceit) and, he is unaware of the fact that you are still addicted to abuse. You are behaving in such a way as to eventually cause him to yell (abusively) at you.
Your new friend has already revealed that he is unconscious and both an enabler and a victim. That is to say, his "wonderful" healthy love should be such an inspiration to you that it would be unthinkable to drag such an exy mess into his space. Only someone incredibly damaged would risk the possibility of destroying what you say you have. Only someone equally damaged (your new friend) would attract such a partner.
Here’s what you need to arrive at on your own (not because I or someone else says so). Get a new therapist, one who is clear about responsibility (show him/her this reply). Your old therapist should have communicated to you:
"I’ll accept you as a patient as long as you agree to not interact in any way with your ex. You need to send him a letter saying that you will not interact with him ever again until he has completed fifty 50-minute sessions with a therapist/support group or counselor."
Even though your new friend "knew about your past" you should have communicated to him, and all potential partners—for life, specifically the following:
"Just so we are clear and upfront, I'm addicted to abuse, to abusing and being abused. During my last 3-yr relationship I became depressed, gained weight, and was suicidal. I've done a lot of therapy but I didn't get to the source of my addiction to abuse. I can't be trusted to attract an actualized man. I have a pattern of not saying what's on my mind, of hiding thoughts."
Your new friend should have said, at the very beginning:
"If you interact with your ex, even one message or phone call, I will leave you. Do not test me on this. There will be no second chance. It's got to be your idea to hang up on him the second you hear his voice. Is this clear? No interactions with him ever until he can tell me that he has had fifty… and that he wants to be our friend."
In this way you accept responsibility for having caused the abuse, and, you have given your ex a way of coming back into your life in a supportive way. To create a relationship, destroy it, blame them, and then trash them for life is unethical and abusive.
Your email reply to your ex should be:
"I'm in a wonderful relationship and I shared your email with him. We'd enjoy having you over for dinner some evening once you can let us know that you have completed 50 hours of therapy. Email us when you have done this, Subject: "Completed therapy." Otherwise, please don't email or try to contact me again. To do so would be considered harassment."
You'd soon know if he truly wanted to be a supportive friend of both of you, or what.... Thank you, Gabby
PS. Show this reply to your new friend.