#1 Should I go to Grandma's funeral?

[Gabby]

#1 Should I go to Grandma's funeral? / Should I keep rewarding/empowering abusive family?

 Dear Annie: My grandmother is in poor health and is not expected to live much longer. Grandma never liked my mother, and consequently, is not close to me. When my parents married, Grandma selected the photographs for the wedding album, and not one picture included my mother. Can you image the effort involved to do such a thing? I always feel like a stranger when I see her side of the family.

When I married three years ago, I was hurt that two of my paternal aunts not only didn’t attend the wedding, but did not even send a card to wish me well. When I told them how I felt, they repeated it to my grandmother, who in turn said some rather nasty things to me. I have not seen or talked to her side of the family since.
When Grandma passes away must I go to her funeral? I love my father very much and realize I should have been there for him, but I have tremendous resentment towards his family. Tell me what to do. FRACTURED FAMILY IN OHIO

Dear Ohio: Go to the funeral, not only because it is the classy thing to do, but because it would mean a lot to your father. You don’t have to speak to the relatives you dislike. Pay your respects, and then leave. You won’t regret it. —ANNIE


Gabby's Reply

Dear Fractured: Whenever there is a conflict between two there’s always a third party who is fomenting it from silence. Most always they are unaware that they are doing so, covertly, through their highly developed, extremely powerful, nonverbal leadership communication skills. This person most always pretends to be an ally. That is to say the friction couldn’t take place if, say, your father had said to his mother a long time ago, "Either you treat my wife and child lovingly or I won’t be in communication with you till you do." Most always the seemingly "innocent" third party (in this case your dad) unconsciously sides with one of the adversaries (your grandmother) and is supporting her in treating you abusively rather than put himself on the line by saying, "Clean it up Mom or I’ll shun you to till you do—for life if that’s what it takes."

You are inheriting a problem that your father refused to solve with finality. Your father went against his mother’s wishes and you are suffering for it. If he did it because that line, that lineage, was in fact sick and incurable then you should know. On the other hand, if your grandmother knew something you don’t and he disrespected her, then he invalidated and thwarted his own mother, for which there are a lifetime of consequences. Keep in mind, in terms of leadership he is the one who turned his own mother against his daughter.

The problem for you is that you don’t know if grandmother’s reasons have to do with a legal issue, ethics, or morality, or, if her reasons are based upon meanness, prejudice, or bigotry. Perhaps she’s simply a control freak that needed to be gotten out from under. Because you don’t know you have yet to consciously make a choice as to whom to play with in life. In my day parents thwarted mixed (religious or racial) marriages and so familial disobedience was a courageous act of integrity. Playing with/rewarding/empowering bank robbers begets a different set of problems than say, playing with bigots.

You say, "nasty things" but not whether it was the truth. Can you imagine a husband who would allow/support his mother in treating his loved one with such contempt and disrespect?
You ask for advice. My hit is that this is your opportunity to estrange yourself from your entire family, all of whom are clearly addicted to abuse, and start a new lineage. That, or eventually teach your children to relate as only you know how. Even in this letter you take sides with one of the adversaries both of whom need therapy.

There is a way for you to give all concerned an ultimatum to fulfill whatever requirements you desire for them to be able to continue to be in communication with you. For example: To each you would say, "I need to hear from you that you have attended 25 sessions of therapy and that you have cleaned up your relationships with everyone before I’m willing to engage in any communications with any of you. I will consider the person who refuses to do family counseling/therapy to be the incurably sick instigator."

Without your support it looks like they are heading towards their graves as blaming adversaries. Goodness knows to what extent a part of your grandmother’s illness has to do with her integrity.
The sad part is you also have become infected and you will damaged your children. Your task is to model for them how to extract oneself from an abusive relationship, else, they too will be writing to an advice columnist. Thank you. Gabby