#104 She wants to be nice without giving number

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Gabby
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#104 She wants to be nice without giving number

Post by Gabby » Mon Sep 01, 2008 12:04 pm

#104 She wants to be nice without giving number / honest or polite?

Dear Prudence: What is the best way to turn someone down when asked for your phone number? In some instances, claiming to be involved is not an option, such as when asked out by someone who's aware that you're available. What's the best response, without being rude? —Just Wondering

Dear Just: If you don't care if the person might figure out that he got the bum’s rush, be off by one digit. Or ... write down a few too many numbers.

If you do give the number out, you'll just wind up making up something about why you can't go. It might be more painless just to say, when asked for your number, that you're doing very little these days because of your puppy/cousin/doctoral thesis or work. —Prudie, evasively


Gabby's Reply

Hi Just: Try both ways and see what happens. Some people have been raised to be honest, others to be deceitful and still others to be polite (read—not open and honest, deceitful); most people react according to their programming, few are conscious enough to choose in the moment. A conscious person can discuss their choices (considerations*) with the person to whom they are talking.

A person who is conscious, one who is whole and complete, operates in the here and now, consequently they have a choice, to tell the truth, to be deceptive, or to be polite. That is to say, they are neither lying nor truth-telling machines. However, seldom do they choose to lie because they know it doesn’t work. That, and they have a commitment to be open, honest, and spontaneous, thereby creating space for what they expect of others. People programmed to be polite cannot be trusted to say what's on their mind; a relationship with them is always with their "polite act," never with who they are.

When I lie, when I’m not totally truthful, when I withhold a thought (always for good reasons) I’m out integrity. It doesn’t feel good. I can’t totally be with the next person; part of my consciousness is sapped by the incomplete, the lie. Now if you lie and it doesn’t appear to bother you then it reveals that you have so many other incompletes that you don’t notice the effects of just one more. In which case, not to worry. Your integrity will set up life so as to crash and burn to give you an opportunity to clean up the messes.

I’m more concerned about your relationship with your parents. These are conversations you were supposed to have had with them way before night-clubbing. For you to ask now reveals that you are part of the problem rather than living exemplary. You are stuck being the “type” of girl men talk about and unconsciously treat disrespectfully, right up front, even before you open your mouth. It’s an aura thing. An honest woman exudes an aura that even determines (karmically) who approaches her. A woman who would lie/deceive cannot but attract a man with the same integrity. The leadership-communication model you walk into a situation with determines the integrity of the person who will approach you. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon.

Dating is when you practice your truth-telling skills, it’s when you identify, confront, and disappear your specific fears about telling the truth so as to be fearless in all relationships. It’s when you learn to share considerations.
*
  • For example: “Thank you for asking. I’m concerned that if I give you my number you might end up calling me and if I declined a date you might get upset and call again. It could get messy. If it’s meant to be we’ll run into each other more and more, yes? Right now I’m working on initiating dates as opposed to being asked. I can see that perhaps I shouldn't be here leaving myself open to invitations. I sure hope I haven’t offended you.”
Another aspect of your considerations (your fear) about giving out your number is that you intuit something negative might "happen," in which case it's best that you listen to your intuition. It's possible that at some level you know your karma is such that you don't yet deserve to have things go smoothly, perhaps because of earlier unacknowledged perpetration, perhaps an abuse you inflicted upon another. If so, do The Clearing Process it's free. It facilitates cleaning up the messes, the incompletes, and supports the experience of integrity.

As you develop your leadership-communication skills you’ll discover that you unconsciously set it up for the man to ask for your telephone number. A con (someone whose integrity is so out that he is unconscious) will ask for your telephone number oblivious of its ramifications in terms of your safety, etc. A conscious man always communicates appropriately to your verbal and nonverbal communications; there is spacious comfort. “I sure enjoyed myself. Perhaps we’ll see each other again.” That would be your clue. “Thank you, me to. That would be nice.” Or, “Thank you.” Period. There's a trend now in which men are learning to be; they have given up pursuing and are learning how to create space for the woman to choose them. They are finally learning that when a woman chooses you the woman makes it work, there's no doubt that they find you attractive. The man is assured that she's not going out with you just because she succumbed to your persuasions.

Bottom line: Night-clubbing is not where one looks for honesty, still, like college, it’s where I learned what doesn’t work.

With aloha,

Gabby

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