DEAR ABBY: My wife thinks I have a problem because I do not have a close relationship with my mother. We go for weeks without talking or seeing each other, and it doesn't bother me. Since I was about 13, my parents were hardly ever around. My mom was a workaholic, and my dad was an alcoholic, so I became totally self-sufficient.
Now I am 21, and I'm not bothered that I have little contact with my mother. I acknowledge that she gave me life, but that's where it ends. I would like to know your thoughts about all this. —NO REGRETS, SAN ANGELO, TEXAS
DEAR NO REGRETS: It's sad that at such an important time in your life you had no parents to talk to. But this wasn't your mother's fault. With an alcoholic husband—who I'm guessing had trouble with employment—and a son to provide for, it's not surprising that she became a "work-alcoholic." It may have been a necessity.
I would be curious to know what kind of a relationship you have with your father. While it's regrettable that you have so little communication with your mother, if this has been the pattern that was set since you were 13, it is also understandable. Your wife means well, but she should not "stir the pot." —ABBY
Hi No Regrets: I like your letter because it addresses some issues that aren't commonly discussed.
I applaud the way you have been handling your at-arm's-length relationship with both parents. Survival and abuse-free relationships are imperative. I have a concern that you might not have told your wife about the situation (up front) and the decision from which you live. It could be thought of as deceit. It's clear that she has since discovered the importance of marrying someone with a complete relationship with both parents. Had you told her up front, "This is what's so, will that be a problem for you?" she would have had a choice. The problem is, can she let go of her position and support you in yours? Better still, should she perhaps look elsewhere for a ready made actualized (complete relationship with one's parents) supportable husband. Trying to change someone is not love; meaning, it won't work for you to try and stop her from supporting you or for her to not accept you. Mo betta that you look at her considerations from the point of view that the genius in you created her concerns, that who she is is love and that it hurts her to know she isn't having a supportive loving effect on all her relationships. It invalidates who she holds herself to be.
I'm assuming that conversations with your mother are civil and that you both feel "good" when you hang up. My concern is that there could be covert hostility and subtle, if not overt, verbal abuse. "Subtle" would be in the form of condescension and self-righteousness, possibly experienced on her part as sexism. If your wife hears such it should bother her because she intuits that she's next. For her to silently condone such treatment will come back on her. That is to say, I'm wondering if you might not be suppressing some disrespect for your mother, knowing at some level it was she who chose to make staying with/empowering an alcoholic more important than providing a nurturing childhood for you.
I also suspect that you are suppressing some pain and hurt. Not to worry, your mind is handling things perfectly, probably waiting for a safe space to complete some incompletes. The incompletes will surface through your daily interactions with your wife. Incompletes: Conversations/interactions, that did not end mutually satisfying. All the thoughts withheld, all the stuffed disappointments, sadness, and anger (rationalized and explained by your mind), all the resentments and expressions of disrespect and contempt, etc. they will come out in due time, what with the loving support of your wife. Spouses discover that unsatisfying conversations their partner began with their parents must be created all over again, but this time through to mutual satisfaction.
You wife is right to be concerned. You've trained yourself to put up with abuse (I suspect you don't even think that what your parents did to you was abuse). She is going to have to be vigilant in clearing your mind of "minor" upsets and thoughts withheld, given that you don't have much experience communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously.
For certain your mother was a work-alcoholic, still I'm concerned for you and your apparent lack of compassion. If you hold yourself to be healthy, intelligent, and successful—certainly enough to attract a discerning loving wife—then no matter what your mind tells you, your mother did an excellent job. She certainly didn't do it the conventional way, however, communication is a function of intention. We know her intentions were honorable and selfless because of the way you turned out. Other parents use lots of words and hugs and family outings; we need only look at the condition of most relationships (and the 50% divorce rate) to see that doing things the "right" way doesn't always work. My concern is that if you can't experience love and respect for her, given her path, you will have a very tough time up ahead solely to teach you compassion. Just imagine what your ancestors must have gone through to provide you with all that you have.
Re: "My wife thinks I have a problem...." In communication theory one studies a communication model in which we create (in our mind) that we cause what another says to us. Using this model, it is you who brilliantly chose a woman (albeit unconsciously) who supports you in cleaning up your relationship with your parents. To invalidate/thwart her (the implied communication being, "you're wrong, I don't have a problem and I don't care that it bothers you") is to invalidate your own genius. Arrogance and ego are two insidious barriers to the experience of communication. After a few failures to support your health, success, prosperity, your very enlightenment, you'll have trained her to give up; the beginning of the end of the experience of growth. On the other hand, surrender to her and she'll see to it that your life is awesome.
Re: "...it doesn't bother me." Something does or you wouldn't have written.
The responsible way to recess, or partly recess, someone from your life is to tell them why and to give them a curriculum for getting back in.
- For example: "Mom, I don't feel comfortable communicating with you. There's no experience of love. So I'm going to do 25 hours of therapy/counseling. I'll know you want to mend our relationship if you also do the same amount of counseling. This is important to me because I'm concerned about letting my children a hang around you for fear you'll unconsciously impart your philosophy, the way you communicated and related with dad, and me as a child, on them. I'm told that one conversation is all it takes to imprint a grandchild."