Dear Anne: Six weeks ago, I discovered my daughter’s fiancé has been abusing her. He was also the one who insisted "Anna" take a job as an exotic dancer. I realize this is the pattern of many abusers to lower the self-esteem of the woman and also to blackmail her if she tries to leave. They plan to marry in one month.
Anna is 22 and can marry this beast if she chooses. But I told her I do not approve of this marriage and under no circumstances would I pay for the wedding, even though I paid the deposit on many services.
I begged Anna to postpone the ceremony and get some counseling before taking such a permanent step. She has refused to back away from this man and denies there is any problem. She has arranged to be married by a justice of the peace.
It breaks my heart not to be part of my daughter’s wedding, but I cannot celebrate this occasion knowing her future husband does not treat her with respect or honor. The professionals I have spoken with say the violence escalates after marriage and then increases again after the children are born. Am I doing the right thing to stand my ground and not attend the wedding? I don’t want to lose her forever. How can I help my daughter end the abuse? A MAMA IN A MESS
Dear Mama: Please go to the wedding, no matter how much it breaks your heart. Your daughter is aware that you don’t approve. Now she needs to know she can count on you, no matter what.
Anna’s situation is quite dire, but she is the only one who can get her out of it. Let her know you love her and she can come to you if she ever needs help. Give her the number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 (ndvh.org) and tell her to keep it handy. We’ll be praying for her. —Annie
Gabby's Reply
Hi Mama: I agree with you. I would not submit myself to the psychic and nonverbal abuse that you will experience at the wedding. To attend would be inconsistent with your advice to her; to not interact with, relate with, people addicted to abuse.
Children need to hear from their parents,
- "There are some games I will not play with you ages 10 through 18 — drugs, alcohol, & pregnancy. Thereafter—spousal cheating, abuse, alcoholism, and prison visits. For you to dump those kinds of problems in my space communicates to me that you don't value/want my support anymore, to do so will free me of any responsibility for you. There will be no exceptions or second chances. Is this clear?"
There is a lie in your post. It comes from a biased lack of clarity about responsibility, cause and effect, and communication. You write: "I discovered my daughter’s fiancé has been abusing her." This point of view is biased. It invalidates your daughter’s power, your daughter’s cause in the matter. Notice that she has manipulated things so that you have taken her side, as though he is cause. An unbiased description would be, "I discovered my daughter and her fiancé are communicating abusively with each other." Part of why you see it from your perspective is that you did not teach her to immediately extract herself the nano-second she experiences abuse in the space. For her to not do so is proof positive that she is unconsciously intending it. If she engages, replies, or rewards with her presence, an abusive statement from him then she is intending it. Those who intend an abuse-free life do not hang around those who need therapy. When abuse does take place, each and every abusive communication must be acknowledged (as abusive) and completed through to the satisfaction of all concerned, before the next sentence/topic/interaction. All persistent abuse in a relationship can be traced back to the first incident that was not acknowledged and completed this way.
Children who have been raised with nurturing love are absolutely driven (they have no choice) to please their parents, to make them happy and proud. They do whatever it takes to please, to include marrying someone both parents like. Most importantly, they live with the intention to honor their parents—meaning, to be happy, as a reflection of their parents. As you can see your daughter is intent on invalidating you and all that you did to raise her. So much so that she will do whatever it takes, even submit herself to beatings, just to wake you up, to teach you a lesson.
My advice to you is two parts:
- Complete 50 hours of therapy. You are right to be concerned about "respect," but your mind doesn’t allow you to see it is you she disrespects. Your daughter is communicating with you the only way she has left. All other attempts at communicating with you (and all others) throughout childhood have failed. Her behavior indicates that you have completely and absolutely invalidated her and her image of self as a worthwhile person deserving of love.
- Write the following to your daughter and her fiancé. "The way I have been communicating with you is not working for me. I have trained you to seek out abuse. What’s happening between us reveals that I need a considerable amount of therapy. I will not be supporting or attending your wedding. I will not be interacting with you or your fiancé again until, 1) You have not been in communication with him for six months in a row, and you have completed 50 hours of therapy (for which I will pay ½ the cost), or 2) you both have completed 50 fifty-minute sessions of counseling. This means I am unwilling to receive any phone calls, no presents, no cards/letters, no messages, and no hospital visits. I need proof that the way I communicate with you inspires you to opt for zero abuse in your relationships. I know that you know that your choice (specifically your need to seek out abuse in a personal relationship) does not feel good to me. I aim to deserve to be treated lovingly and respectfully by you."