Dear Annie: I have been dating a very sweet girl for three weeks. I knew I was falling in love with her and made the mistake of letting her know. Ever since, she has lost interest in me.
"Linda" insists there is no way I could fall in love with her in three weeks. Linda comes from a divorced family and hasn't talked to her father much over the years. She said that when someone cares for her, she cuts off her emotions.
I suggested therapy, but she said it wouldn't help. We are not really seeing each other right now, but she has called a few times, and the conversation is always good. We both read your column daily. Please help—HURTING IN NEW LISBON, WIS
Dear Wis: Three weeks is an awfully short time to say you're in love. You came on too strong and apparently frightened Linda enough to break things off. Since Linda keeps in touch, there is hope for this relationship, but you'll have to back off and take things more slowly. Allow her to get to know what a great guy you are before you make declarations of undying affection. —Annie
Gabby's Reply
Hi Wis: I don't agree with what you say was your mistake. In fact I don't see that you have made any mistakes. We each in our own time learn certain things en route to having successful relationships. Driving others out of our life is an essential part of the curriculum, not a mistake.
When one comes from love of course it's there at the beginning. To withhold expressing it would be controlling. However, you don't come from love. You are and have been unconscious along with the vast majority of the population. A person who comes from love, who operates from love, loves everyone; such an enlightened person knows intuitively who is, and who is not, bound up in his/her expressions of self and love. That you could not immediately see (within seconds) that Linda was bound up and not open and honest in her expressions of affection and love reveals that you were at effect of something, perhaps her physical beauty or her "sweet" act.
By "unconscious" I mean that you are unaware that your "love" communication had all sorts of other messages attached to it. With the TV cable that comes into one's house, there are hundreds of messages (channels) traveling in it, so too there are often multiple verbal and nonverbal messages (sometimes referred to as "mixed-messages") that travel between you and another. A verbalized message from an unconscious (unclear) person can also carry expectations, pressure, future, neediness, all traveling along with the simple statement "I love you." Sometimes what's needed is a verbal filter to help the receiver's mind interpret the message. For example: You could create a filter by preparing her mind, such as
- "I don't mean to frighten you, I just need to say this to get it out of my mind, it doesn't mean anything, and it sure doesn't require a response from you, I just find myself experiencing love when I'm with you. It feels nice."
Another thought about your "love" bomb. In a personal relationship, intercourse (communication) is a dance. Dancing partners are interchangeably leading and following, switching rolls back and forth as the leader then as the follower. When one is leading all the time, such as Linda does, it's called control, "Don't tell me you love me until I say it's OK to do so." Like a dance partner who presses gently on your back to tell you to go a certain direction, you were supposed to have gotten her nonverbal communication. She delivers it non-stop. It was there when you first glanced at her. It's an aura kind of thing. With cardinals at the feeder one just knows that if you intrude into their safe space they fly away; they are beautiful to look at but their dance precludes hugging.
There are a couple things you were supposed to have learned from your parents.
1) If you find yourself dating a women who is estranged from her parents, ensure that she has done so with compassion and from service*. Simply finding something wrong with someone (one's parents) and staying away from them is both irresponsible and abusive.
2) It doesn't work to date women who need therapy unless you are engaged in on-going sessions yourself and share the fact with your date.
In case there's any doubt, you do need therapy. There's something going on with you that you would attract, bring into your intimate life, a woman who needs therapy. An actualized man has no need to set it up to be rejected and therefore doesn't attract such women. Some men are addicted to helping needy women. They are called needy men. Helping creates dependency.
If Linda cannot effect mutually satisfying supportive communication with her father then she will not be able to do so in a personal relationship, unless, and this is extremely important, she has undergone as much therapy/counseling as she believes her father needs. Notice that you suggested therapy and she invalidated you and rejected your support. That should have been a red flag for you. She hasn't rejected enough men to have it be her idea to heal herself.
Re: "...she cuts off her emotions." This is a clue to her intention to staying stuck in the drama. A conscious person would say, "In the past… I have cut off my emotions. I'd like your support in not doing that with you." Had you been conscious you would have noticed that she was not home, she was already away, from you and everyone. Now is not the time for her to be dating. My guess is that you approached her rather than created space for her to initiate the relationship. She has no sense that she co-created the relationship, it just happened. She is oblivious to the fact that she hurt your feelings, that she abused you. There is a way to complete a relationship so that both feel good.
Lastly: Watch out for "sweet." Sweet is an extremely sophisticated manipulative act. A person who is whole and complete experiences the entire range of emotions throughout the day, sweet is just one of many presentations throughout each conversion throughout each day. Such a person is involved supportively in their community and one or more organizations. Most sweet people are isolated and non-participatory. A person who is whole and complete is not stuck in just one presentation, such as polite, loving, nice, sweet, grumpy, or unhappy. Now here's the confusing part. A whole person can have a generally sweet disposition, on the average of up 90% of the day. However, they aren't communicating spontaneously if you aren't hearing their negative judgments, their upsets, their mean thoughts, their weird thoughts, their considerations and fears throughout the day. Mutually satisfying spontaneity is the criteria that measures whole and complete. Polite = stuffed thoughts. Can a person be trusted to say what's on his/her mind in a way that feels good to all concerned? For example: Most have a pleasant memory of a sweet old teacher. What most don't know is that in the teacher's lounge this "sweet acting" person stuffed their judgments and considerations of their badmouthing gossiping fellow teachers thereby supporting (causing) this detrimental behavior. Now ask why would they do this when they knew the principal was continually trying to effect a supportive team, zero badmouthing and negative gossiping. Why would a sweet teacher sabotage his/her own principal? Sweet people are addicted to looking good. They can't be trusted to say what's on their mind at any given moment. They are run by fear, fear of not being liked, of being alone, so much so that they will unconsciously covertly sabotage the desired results of the leader of any group to which they belong. Through silence they will force the leader to support the rules and policies rather than speak up themselves when they see an infraction. Keep in mind, it's possible to communicate all thoughts and considerations in a way that is supportive and mutually satisfying. That is to say, through coaching one can turn what could be behind-the-back negative gossip into uplifting, forwarding and appreciated feedback.
Great letter, many will get value from it. Thank you, Gabby
* "from service" meaning, that she has communicated to her father, "I won't interact with you in anyway whatsoever until you have completed 25 fifty-minute sessions with a therapist/counselor." The way she is doing it is from blame and take-away. She does not appear to have given him a way to come back into her life. This is called dumping. It doesn't serve someone to dump them. It's both irresponsible and abusive (irresponsible because it doesn't take into account one's cause for the estrangement), (abusive because it doesn't feel good to the dumpee).