#11 Teen feels pressure to lose virginity

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Gabby
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#11 Teen feels pressure to lose virginity

Post by Gabby » Sat Jul 26, 2008 10:57 pm

#11 Teen feels pressure to lose virginity / Should I keep conning my boyfriend into asking for sex?

Dear Annie: I am a 16-year-old girl in high school, and I’m having troubles with boys. There’s a lot of pressure to have sex, and it’s often overwhelming.

I’ve been seeing "Jason" for six months. I know he wants to lose his virginity to me, but I’m not sure I’m ready. I truly care about Jason and sometimes I think I should just get it over with. On the other hand, I was taught that my virginity is special, and that I should wait until I’m married.

I know Jason loves me, but I’m worried he might pressure me into something I don’t want to do. I’m not stupid. If he were the type of guy who made me feel uncomfortable I wouldn’t be with him. But I like Jason so much, I figure, if I’m going to lose my virginity eventually, it might as well be with him.

Can you give me some advice? —CONFUSED IN COLORADO

Dear Confused: You sound like a bright sensible girl, and it seems clear that you are not ready. It doesn’t matter how Jason feels. You don’t have to do this to please him, keep him or be like everyone else. Wanting to get it over with is no reason to have sex.

Aside from sexually transmitted diseases and the risk of pregnancy, there are other reasons to wait. Your friends may tell you sex is no big deal, but the truth is, having sex can create an emotional attachment, especially for a teenage girl. If Jason respects you, he will respect your decision to wait. If he pressures you it’s not love, honey, it’s lust, and when the novelty wears off, so will the relationship. If you’re not sure, it means you need more time. Please wait. You won’t be sorry. —Annie


Gabby's Reply

Hi Confused: Your problem has to do with the way you communicate, your communication model.* Your parents, friends, and teachers have taught you to operate from blame and victim. You have yet to learn how to communicate responsibly.

Your letter indicates that you are an unconscious con. You are not acknowledging the con you’re running on Jason. This causes you to be a liability to both of you and your respective futures. Reading this reply will support you with your communication mastery curriculum.

You used the promise of sex to get and hold on to Jason and now blame him for wanting sex. How do we know? That’s the result your leadership-communication skills produced. You’ve set it up for him to beg while you dangle the carrot (no pun intended). It's called manipulation.

Your con includes saying the word, "no" but to nonverbally communicate "…keep trying, I’ll probably give in, and when I do I’ll make you feel guilty for talking me into having sex." Your integrity is such that you’re ripe for setting him up to "accidentally" impregnate you. Some say sperm can swim through underwear. :shock:

A responsible young woman tells the truth and as such, when she says, "No sex," means what she says and the boy is absolutely clear that that’s the way it will be. The "No" is communicated with the intention for it to be gotten (recreated, owned, and respectfully supported) and so the boy knows there is no hope. This gives a boy a clear choice, to continue dating you solely because he enjoys you, and/or, to look elsewhere for a sex partner. "No," when communicated (with an intention for it to be gotten) instantaneously transforms the relationship. It creates a context of respect. Conversely, "No," when said, but not meant, causes struggle, confusion, arguments, and broken agreements. How does a boy know the difference between the two No's? One way he can tell is if you've already said no to something and then allowed him to talk you into a yes. Another way is if you deceive your parents and lie to them and others, or, if you condone nonverbally his lying or deceptions to others. Support of his unethical behaviors causes him to disrespect you. He's not aware that he doesn't totally respect you it just gets dramatized in his behaviors with you. I inserted the word totally to make the point even though it's redundant.

Re: Lying and deceiving your parents. He doesn't have to witness or even hear about a lie to know you don't treat your parents with respect, it's an aura/attitude thing.
  • Boys intuitively know that daughters who have not learned how to have a good supportive loving relationship with their fathers are lonely and ripe for the picking.

On the other hand, fathers who refuse to get coaching on how to have a supportive, loving, hugging, open and honest relationship with their daughter drive their daughter into the arms of boys stuck in sexist, condescending behaviors—boys who have not been taught by their own father how to treat women with respect. Both teens, wanting love and approval, opt for the next best thing, sex.
  • All interactions (all conversations) between teens who have sex, who also do not have open, honest and spontaneous communication with their parents, are merely doing their imitation of communication. Each doing his/her imitation of communication with the other. Such interactions guarantee (yes guarantee) little if any joy and happiness. Whatever moments of laughter they have are but peak moments, as with drugs, and cannot not be sustained, or created at will, in the light of day. What they call love is not love because it's founded upon deceptions; the look of guilt is just behind the happy-acting smile.
You write, "I was taught that my virginity is special, and that I should wait until I’m married." This is a lie. What's so is that you were told that your virginity is special. Telling someone is different than communicating/teaching. We wouldn't be having this conversation if your parents wishes had in fact been communicated (taught, learned & owned).

Parents who don't know the difference between considerations, wants, wishes, and intentions, most often end up with thwarting teens stuck in disrespectful, deceitful, rebellious behaviors.

Virginity is your parent's good idea, and, you haven't told them that you are confused and have doubts, that you have been considering having sex. The fact that you aren't being honest with your parents indicates that your honest act with them and others is just that, an act. How can Jason possibly respect someone who deceives her parents?

Keep in mind, a boy who doesn't have an open and honest relationship with his parents will tell you anything your mind needs to hear so as to get you to have sex, and, lie and tell you it's the truth.

Most parents who give their children "virginity" advice do so from hypocrisy. Few acknowledge their own sex history to their child. Parents have so many unacknowledged withholds (deceits and perpetrations) between themselves that they have become stuck doing their imitation of communication. As such their "truths" don't get gotten. They've lost their ability to distinguish between lecturing and communicating. Very few parents have learned how to create a safe space for the truth to be told.

A girl cannot respect a boy she can con just as a boy cannot respect a girl whom he can con (read talk into/manipulate). How can Jason respect himself knowing that he's totally willing to con you into disobeying and deceiving your father.

What few are willing to acknowledge is that the words "No, not until I'm married" when said, and then retracted, say the week before the wedding, makes the "No" a lie. It creates thereafter an unconscious condition of disrespect. Your "No's don't always mean no. "H'mm, maybe she doesn't really mean I can't have sex with other women." President Clinton knew with absolute certainty that Hillary would not divorce him in the middle of his presidency, she virtually gave him permission to mess around.

One thing we know is that Jason is not loving you experientially, however he most likely does love you conceptually. The difference between conceptual love and experiential love is that with the latter there is open and honest communication, zero thoughts withheld, which when practiced at your age becomes an automatic behavior you'll use in your close adult relationships. You begin by practicing now, at home with your parents. What you and Jason have is an "honest act" with each other. It's turned on and off depending upon who you each are with. The proof is that you talk about things with each other and your friends that you hide from your parents.

* Your communication model is what’s referred to as an adversarial communication model. Adversaries hide things, certain thoughts, from those they are close to, so as to get their way, so as to produce certain results. They are deceitful just as you are being deceitful with your parents. You are afraid, embarrassed, and ashamed to talk about what’s going on between you and Jason with your parents. You support Jason in being deceitful with your parents. He can’t say to your father, "Hey, I'm trying to talk your daughter into having sex with me, can you put in a good word? You have my word that if I get her pregnant I will pay child support, for life." Jason supports you in deceiving your parents, in going behind their backs to make out. He is out-integrity. He doesn’t communicate openly and honestly with his own parents. A relationship founded upon deceit is doomed to mediocrity.

In the process of growing up you have the opportunity to master intercourse. Beautiful exquisite intercourse is mostly foreplay most of which consists of thousands upon thousands of open, honest, and spontaneous conversations/communications with everyone in both families. It is sheer arrogance of you to think that you will be able to sustain a working relationship without the support of yours and his parents.

Once you are clear that all lies and all truths, all deceits, have consequences you will know that there are no accidental pregnancies, only pregnancies caused by girls who unconsciously intend to get caught for their lies and deceits to their parents. Many a pregnant high school girl will tell you that it was not until after she manipulated the guy into "accidentally" impregnating her that she became aware that she used him as a socially acceptable way of not having to study hard and go to college and become a financially responsible professional. She can, with guidance, also acknowledge that she was unconsciously intent on thwarting him by controlling his financial status (child support for 18 years), possibly preventing him from going to college. Later in life men wonder where the anger comes from during the divorce settlement negotiations, few are aware that it might have something to do with having talked their date into having sex instead of supporting her in getting good grades. That is to say, eventually you will come to harbor resentment, each for running their con on the other (blame blame).

If you love him take control other than by using sex. Given that we cannot not con others, con him into succeeding and being honest. The communication-leadership skills it takes to support him keeping his mind on his studies are the same ones that will work for you later in life. Most wives will tell you they've lost, if they ever had, the ability to inspire their husband to opt for healthy, growth-producing choices. I'm speaking here about wives whose support-skills have produced beer-drinking, overweight couch potatoes who must be nagged to do even a small portion of his share of household chores, whose husbands haven't read a book since school and who refuse to go to counseling or dance classes. That is to say, one cannot not support. How one communicates and relates with others either supports growth and aliveness and energy or supports one in succumbing to blaming mediocrity. The way to tell what you're up to is to look at the results those close to you are producing.

Great letter for many. Do show this reply to Jason. If you're absolutely intent on success in life show it to your parents also. Thank you, Gabby

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