#50 Dating sister’s ex-husband causing upsets in family

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Gabby
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#50 Dating sister’s ex-husband causing upsets in family

Post by Gabby » Wed Jul 23, 2008 11:01 pm

#50 Dating sister’s ex-husband causing upsets in family / Did I unconsciously intend sister’s divorce?

Dear Annie: Many years ago, my younger sister, “Liz,” had an affair with a married man who later left his wife and married my sister.

They were together for 20 years, and though they saw a lot of my parents, they didn’t spend much time with the rest of us. I barely knew my sister or her husband, “Steve.”

Liz filed for divorce early last year, and Steve moved out in April. He started seeing me, as a friend, in June. I contacted Liz and asked if she had any objection to my dating her ex-husband. She said she didn’t care.

Liz divorce was final in December, and Steve and I began dating seriously. Now however, both my sister and my mother are angry about my new relationship. They don’t seem to be angry with Steve, however. Liz speaks to him but not to me. Steve and I are happy together, but my family will not accept that we are together. What’s your advice? CONFUSED IN OXNARD CALF

Dear Oxnard: It’s always risky business to become involved with a sibling’s ex-spouse, and it’s understandable that Liz and the rest of the family would be uncomfortable with the situation. Be sure that Steve is interested in YOU and not using you as a means to be closer to Liz. Also, some women become resentful when their ex-husbands find someone new, and this could be fueling Liz’s anger.

If you are certain your relationship is rock solid, tell your mother and sister that this is how it’s going to be, and let the chips fall where they may. Good luck. —Annie


Gabby's Reply

Hi Oxnard: Embedded in the confusing dictionary definition of the word responsible is the often overlooked word, “cause.” For you to bring about harmony and sustained happiness, for yourself and your family, it would work to look at the failure of your sister’s marriage from cause. In other words, you would have to be willing to acknowledge, no matter what your mind says, that your leadership-communication skills effected (supported) their divorce. I know that if you spent some time with a communication coach you would recall the extremely well hidden memories of your attraction towards Steve early on in her relationship with him. If you don't get to your cause in the matter you will keep living and dramatizing the lie, that you had nothing to do with it. You have yet to realize just how powerful you are and what you accomplish via conscious and unconscious intentions—some call it psychic hexing.

If I were Steve I’d have to be willing to acknowledge that no matter what I believe I’m up to the results clearly show that it’s been my intention to cause friction. It appears that you have bought into his blaming-victim story. Re: "Liz filed for divorce..." There is another reality, that he manipulated her into filing for divorce. Now is not the time for him to be in a personal relationship. My sense is that a part of what this is about for him is the fact that he has not acknowledged to himself, your sister, or your parents, that he knows that how he entered into the family was unethical (cheating).

A part of your sister’s anger has to with the fact that she has not acknowledged the hurt, upset, and anger she caused his first ex. It would work for her to acknowledge to this "fellow sister" (his first ex) that she knows she thwarted her relationship, and knows that it was unethical.

Another part of your sister's anger has to do with the fact that by dating him you invalidate your sister's reasons for divorcing him. If you can get along with him, then others might think that she was the problem, not him. It's a covert way of making her wrong. I'm concerned about her reasons for divorcing him. It appears to me that by dating him before he's had therapy you're taking sides; that's going to come back on you someday.

A part of what this is about for your parents is that each has yet to acknowledged his/her cause in the mess, specifically, that their daughters have no choice but to mirror their integrity. Who taught you and your sister that it was OK to date married men and thwart others for selfish gratification? Both you and your sister are doing your best to make sure your parents suffer for life's communications (whatever they did to you).

Now we look at what this is really about for you. There is an incomplete in your relationship with your sister and each of your parents. The loving support is missing. People who are complete with each other, with whom there is an experience of love and respect, do not create these kinds of problems for each other. That’s not to say you don’t love each other, it’s that the love is now conceptual. Your sister would never have dated a married man knowing how much it would hurt and invalidate your parents, her whole family, if she had been experiencing love with any or all of you. You are all dramatizing some childhood incidents that each of you have suppressed. For you the incidents have to do with responsibility. Notice you were driven to write, “I barely knew … ‘Steve’.” You were clever enough to relate (it's called a covert—albeit possibly unconscious—seduction) with him in such a way as to be able to say, you “barely” knew him. Yet we know that at some level the attraction, and the intention to be with him, was there. Just because you were not aware of how you produced a result doesn't mean you didn't produce it.

You write: “He started seeing me…” This is called irresponsible blame. Communicated responsibly it would read, "Knowing he was vulnerable I seduced him." It says that your mind refuses to acknowledge the power of intention, the communications that let him know, with absolute certainty, that you were interested in him. Your use of the words, “…as a friend…” is called denial. You are protecting his lechery to hide your own.

If I were Steve I would have to acknowledge that all along I was covertly seducing you. He could not bring himself to tell you and your sister the truth, up front, so he did his “friend” act. How do we know this is true? We know by the results. He was/is mirroring your own deceit.

There is a way to effect harmony, however, it can't be done with your present communication-leadership skills. It won’t work for you to continue dating him except that he agrees (at your insistence) to complete 24 hours of coaching, therapy, or counseling, alone, without you. For you to present this ultimatum to him you must be willing to let him go. By choosing to experience the pain and hurt that will come from being willing to let him go you will experience a transformation. If, after reading this reply, you chose to keep dating him another 24 hours you will reveal that you also need as much therapy. You will no longer be able to say you didn’t know. Thank you, Gabby

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