Dear Annie: I am concerned about my father-in-law’s behavior toward my 3-year-old daughter, his only grandchild. My mother-in-law thinks it is endearing that Al is so smitten with his grandchild. I’m not so sure.
Al is constantly stroking her arms or hair and trying to get her to sit on his lap. On several occasions he seemed to be working too hard to get her alone by asking her to show him a new toy or doll in a different room. He even took her out of my house once, without my permission or knowledge.
Last week, I caught Al giving my daughter a kiss on the back of the neck. My gut tells me that I need to keep an eye on him. Are there red flags to watch for? Should I alert my husband? - Don't Want to Be Naive
Dear Not Naive: Does Grandpa watch child pornography? Does he encourage your child to keep secrets? Has he exposed himself to her, even "accidentally"? Those are some of the signs to watch for.
It's quite possible that Grandpa simply adores his new granddaughter, but if he's luring her out of your site, you best watch him closely, and yes, tell your husband about your concerns. For more information, contact Stop It Now! stopitnow.com at 899-773-8386 —Annie
Gabby's Reply:
Dear Naïve: Dear Naïve: I’m equally concerned about your relationship with your husband and mother-in-law. How many movies have we seen where someone pooh-poohs another’s intuition only to regret it later? Shame on your mother-in-law. Endearing?? It’s called denial of the remotest possibility. What if you’re right?
Even if you’re completely off base, a paranoidal basket case, your mother-in-law should have brought everyone together and got it all out on the table, if for no reason other than for everyone to agree that you need therapy. For her to invalidate you, and for you to be writing for advice outside the family, reveals a far greater problem. That you have not felt comfortable discussing this with your husband speaks volumes. It's the "red flag" you're looking for. There is fear in your relationship with him. What is the specific incident with him that you are basing your fear on? I suspect you’re afraid he would side with his mom and dad. You must know at some level he doesn’t trust the intuition of the woman he entrusts to protect his child. Ouch! We’re talking about the absence of respect here.
You’re intuition is right on. It could have been the beginning of more to come. Your father-in-law is not stupid. He knows about sensory overload. He knows what feels good and what feels stimulating. He knows what works with women. He knows what a kiss on the neck feels like. He knows that it’s you and your comfort level he must be concerned with. He'll have no choice but to feign innocent ignorance. It would be the end of life as he knows it for him to acknowledge that he knew what he was doing. And so you must relate with him as you would an adolescent teen having got caught for the same behaviors.
You, on the other hand, mother hen, are supposed to set boundaries by immediately distracting her away from possible predators, with obvious dramatized speed if necessary. "Come here sweetheart, (as you abruptly lift her from his lap) I don't want you sitting on anyone's lap without asking me first." He would have gotten that he was caught in the act and not uttered a word. He’s supposed to get that he should not do anything to her with you in another room that he would not do in front of you. Kissing anyone, especially a female, on the neck unawares is simply not acceptable behavior. He’s been covertly trying to prematurely awaken certain senses. This is inappropriate.
A person who is whole and complete (as opposed to living from fear), someone used to communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously, would have said,
- "I’m uncomfortable with the way you’re expressing affection with my daughter. Please don’t stroke her like that again. And please don’t try to be alone with her. I apologize for my paranoia, but I think it’s better for me to say something than to stuff it, don't you agree?"
Once the smoke cleared you’d have your integrity and he’d be petrified to try anything, knowing you’d be teaching your daughter to report certain kinds of touching, especially when someone tells her to "keep it a secret and not tell mommy."
First, you must get up the courage to bring this up with your father-in-law (yes, him first, not your husband first). Always go to the person with whom you have the problem rather than badmouth them behind their back. He will be extremely upset, so uncomfortable, so embarrassed at having got caught, that he will deny, with dramatized self-righteous anger, that he was (consciously or unconsciously it doesn’t matter) programming her, training her for as much as he could get away with. Most likely he will attack you with a counter accusation. In this matter it's better for you to be dead wrong than silent.
His wife and probably your husband will agree with him. I suspect he set you up to get caught for an earlier and similar incident of his. Why he would dare do this in your house in front of you indicates a lack of respect. There are enough movies these days for all men to know that touching children can be misinterpreted—all but the driven addict (closet or otherwise) know enough to not do it.
If you can’t muster up the courage to talk to your father-in-law (tuck your fear under your arm) and enroll yourself immediately in therapy (by yourself) until you locate and complete the source of your fear. This is extremely important; the consequences of not handling this with him could be all that you believe you don’t want. If you don’t get into communication with him you’ll definitely create subject matter you can’t talk about with your husband. If you don’t press through your fear and confront your father-in-law, you will have to create another even more fearful experience.
If you don’t locate the original incident (most likely during childhood) that now manifests itself in fear with your husband you’ll never be able to cause him to recreate your experience, to get, what you sensed. That is to say, you’ll set it up for him to argue and invalidate you. That his mother invalidated you leads me to believe it’s possible that he will also. Quite possibly this is why you have yet to bring it up with him, for fear that he would side with his parents. If he does you have a serious relationship problem on your hands.
I’m absolutely clear that both your mother and your husband are aware of other areas concerning inappropriate behavior of your father-in-law. This is not his first time. At best he is unconscious. If so he should be watched like a child. Better for them all to think you’re paranoid than for you to have to tell your daughter later in life, "I tried but no one would listen to me. I’m sorry." Stick with your intuition. Your experience is uncomfortableness; your judgment is that he's a letch, you are right on both counts.
Now let’s talk about why you’re creating this kind of a problem. This represents an incomplete for you. What is it? Who didn’t stand up for whom when you were a child? Who stood by and condoned abuse? What did you handle before (as a teen or child) by not saying something at the time it was happening?
Such a valuable letter. Many will see themselves as one of the participants in this altogether too common drama. With love, Gabby
Please show this reply to all concerned.
P.S. Check back from time to time. Each time I re-read it something else comes up. I may edit/add more. (edited 12/29/23)