Dear Prudie: I have been dating “Troy” for just over a year. We are not engaged but have talked about marriage and children. Here’s the problem: His stepfather is an ex-convict. His crime? Child molesting. This completely freaks me out. Troy tells me that he has completely recovered and has been rehabilitated so that he “no longer finds children sexually appealing.”
I told Troy that I do not want his stepfather anywhere near my children when we have them, that I don’t want him at their birthday parties, and I really would rather not even invite him to the wedding as my nieces and nephew and other children will be in attendance. I feel as though it would be an immense betrayal to my brother and friends if I knowingly allowed a child molester near their children at any family events.
Troy has told me that he simply cannot NOT invite his mother and stepfather to these gatherings (even though he has distaste for both of them). He says that although he would never leave the kids ALONE with his stepfather, he sees no reason why they cannot be around him with our supervision. Am I being unreasonable or paranoid, or am I justified in having these feelings? I feel as though this could be the one thing that could prevent us from living happily ever after. —Concerned for the Children
Dear Con: Your revulsion for Troy’s stepfather is understandable, but perhaps you will feel calmer if you remind yourself that 1) you have no children, 2) you are not married to Troy, and 3) there is not even a wedding planned. In principle, it’s agreed that one would not want kids to even be in the same room with a “recovered” pedophile. However, if everyone is in a group, there is little possibility of him harming a child.
Your young man is right about protecting the children through supervision but mistaken about something else: Pedophilia is an affliction for which there is rarely a "cure.” You should familiarize yourself with the issue of pedophilia and decide, together, how the two of you would handle this detail if there were to be a wedding. —Prudie, informationally
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Concerned: Few women are presented with this kind of problem up front while dating. For many it "happens" later, unconsciously. I can’t help but wonder what this is about for you. For example: Parents who give birth to, say, a child with Down Syndrome, usually don't know until delivery that such was their karma. They only discover later, that the love that comes from such overwhelming disappointment and grief and the subsequent challenge (the millions of conversations—truthful communications—such parents have, that others don’t) that this challenge was exactly what was wanted and needed for they themselves to grow. I mention this because you now have a choice; you can back off and search for what appears to be more normal types of life/marriage problems, or, you can jump in with both feet (beyond the level of Ph.D) and master something very few people have mastered. My sense is that even if you were to back off, you would later create another equally challenging purpose requiring leadership skills. Such seems to be your karma.
I noticed what's missing from your description of your relationship with Troy is, "I absolutely love him." This could be a clue.
Re: "I told Troy that I do not want his stepfather anywhere near my children when we have them, that I don’t want him at their birthday parties, ..." Even though you are telling the truth here, expressing a "want," it comes across as an empty threat. To Troy it's clearly just a consideration, it's negotiable. You didn't communicate it as a deal-breaker. The difference between a want and an intention is that a want is a thought being considered as to whether to make it (the want) an intention or not. Until it's formulated (stated/acknowledged) as an intention it's only a want, a wish. It verges on being a lie. Intentions are measured by results. I say I want a whole house air conditioner ($6000.00) yet I still have a window AC. My sense is that your want is an unconscious lie (we'll know for sure if/when his mother and stepfather attend the wedding). Your mixed message confuses Troy. It will have undesirable consequences. Later, when you have given in and married him, he'll have proof that you don't always mean what you say. Such ambivalence doesn't support clarity and finality and uncrossable boundaries for others around you.
When I say “jump in ... and master” I mean that you will have to assume the roll of leader, counselor, mediator, and facilitator in all of your relationships. I recommend that you read (several times, at well-spaced intervals) our Community Support Group Project. It addresses, at several levels of awareness, much of what you will need to address if you are to bring about a transformation in yours and everyone’s life. Rehabilitation of an individual cannot take place except that he/she discontinues relating (completely and totally) with everyone concerned (specifically the family and friends, the enablers), or, that all are willing to undergo as much counseling as the "perpetrator."
Another recommendation is for you to complete The Landmark Forum. I believe it is the definitive confront (a veritable Boot Camp for life) for those intent on making a difference. It will empower you in enrolling others in your purpose, specifically, your family-healing project. Ironically, one way to transform a situation is to take on a seemingly insurmountable project—much like chanting, it gives the mind something to do other than create problems it says it doesn't want. You will have to insist that Troy and his mother and his stepfather get therapy. If they refuse, if you can’t inspire (enroll) them to do so, then I advise that you extract yourself from the relationship and intend to attract someone who values you. It’s up to them to recognize that you are a jewel, that they have an exceptional opportunity to bring you into their family.
Troy is naive about pedophilia and irresponsibly in denial about his cause in the matter. He lies, “...has completely recovered and has been rehabilitated so that he 'no longer finds children sexually appealing,'” and he doesn’t know it. Worse yet, you unconsciously bought into his lie. Without Troy's support his mother and stepfather will remain unconscious.
Another indicator of Troy's denial (of the magnitude of the problem) is that you appear to have only found out about this family skeleton recently, instead of on the first date. To not tell a date, up front, is at best irresponsible. Most consider it a deception, a withhold similar to "By the way, I have AIDS." The way he handled it verges on a devious con. It's a pattern Troy needs to address during his individual 50 hours of therapy. Bringing you into such a family without a warning, without you being able to choose up front if you'd be willing to find a way to make it work for all concerned, is not a gift of love.
Lest you become stuck in holier-than-thou, you also are out-integrity. You've been having conversations about Troy's stepfather without telling him that you have been badmouthing him behind his back. A person committed to integrity would call or write and share your considerations with him.
I’m quite certain that Troy’s mother has not attended as many hours of counseling and therapy as his stepfather has, and that neither have attended extensive therapy together. I have no reality that anyone has gotten to the source of his stepfather’s illness. You will have to insist on getting into communication with the pedophile’s parents (possibly your eventual children’s grandparents). During such conversations you will be able to sense, or not, what kind of psychic support you can expect from them. Read as far as your mind will allow about the Communications in Support of Health Tutorial. Have each parent, separately, acknowledged cause in the matter? How much therapy have they done with their son? In other words, this is a extended family community support group process.
The meetings you will have to coordinate and facilitate will be similar to support groups for addicts. You will have to set up an education program for all the relatives and their children. You will have to educate their children about touching and hugging, with role playing as to what to do if anyone (especially Uncle Pedophile) does ___ or says ___. The pedophile must be present at such meetings. Uncle Pedophile will himself have to communicate to each child, directly in the eyes,
- “I have what appears to be a life-long illness. I can't even be trusted to know the truth or to tell the truth. The only time you can hug me is if an adult is present. Is this clear? If I look at you or touch you in a way that feels uncomfortable, when an adult is not present, you must promise me that you will tell your parents. Can I trust you to do that? Let's practice. I'll touch you on the hand and we'll pretend that it doesn't feel right. Then you turn to your Mom and say, 'Uncle touched me.' OK?"
Presently, you do not have the communication-leadership skills to pull off and sustain a mutually satisfying relationship with that family. You will need to immerse yourself in the study of Intentional Communication including Clearing. One of the fundamentals of Intentional Communication is to only interact intimately (close friends-family-loved ones) with people who are willing to be supported in communicating from cause. In short, to pull this off you will first have to engage the services of a communication skills coach. Put another way, you will have to start your own commune consisting of those willing to relate according to a set of extremely specific agreements; thousands upon thousands of alienated, idealistic, love-oriented, service-oriented, religious-oriented individuals have tried to do this in isolated rural settings, but few succeed. To do it while living and functioning as a family in a society in which there is virtually no agreement that a pedophile can complete his/her experience of pedophilia has yet, as far as I know, to be done. The curriculum is in fact a path to enlightenment.
The other possibility is for Troy to agree to extract himself from all communications with his entire family. He would issue an ultimatum that they each must complete 50 hours of individual therapy and another 50 hours together of group therapy before he ever communicates with even one of them, for life. The emphasis is on complete. In other words, you need to know that you are not marrying an enabler, someone addicted to interacting with sick people, else you reveal your own addiction to having such problems so as to hide an equally big one of your own.
Do insist that all concerned read this reply.
A great letter, of immense value to many. Thank you, Gabby