#76 Request for job interview self-confidence tips.

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Gabby
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#76 Request for job interview self-confidence tips.

Post by Gabby » Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:45 pm

#76 Request for job interview self-confidence tips / What's the source of my timid act?

Dear Abby: I interviewed today for my dream job and have been asked back for a second interview. My problem is, the interviewer was borderline about recommending me because I came across as timid. I know I’d be great for the job. I believe I’ll be one of their best—maybe even THE best. However, I also know that interviewers often perceive me as shy and timid. How can I come across as more sure of myself? —Hoping and Praying

Dear Hoping and Praying: Be conscious of your posture and don’t slump. When you walk in for the interview, smile. It projects confidence and will put those around you at ease. Do not be afraid to make eye contact. When you speak, if you tend to talk softly, pretend you’re addressing someone a foot or two behind the interviewer, and it will cause your voice to project with greater volume. Individuals who speak up are perceived as being more self-confident. When the interview is over, smile and make your handshake a firm one. Good luck! —Abby

Gabby's Reply

Hi Used to be Timid: I prefer intention to “hoping” and “praying,” so I won’t use your salutation.

I say, “used to be” as an affirmation of your intention to complete your timid act. What I get from your letter is an unconscious intention to continue coming across as shy in the future.

One either communicates thoughts as considerations or they spout their mantra, their unconscious affirmation for things to be the same after the communication. One either dumps problems in the space of others or they use others to complete patterns by getting to the source of an undesirable behavior.

For example: “I unconsciously presented myself as shy and timid and I intend to get to the source of that act; it’s not working for me any more.”

Another thing I get from your description of your problem is covert blame. A person who communicates from responsibility would have written,

“I unconsciously cause interviewers to experience me as shy and timid. I don’t know why I do this. Also my tendency is to invalidate their experience instead of getting that it has been my intention to be perceived that way.”

I find it works to validate the experience that I create for others. You’ve created someone giving you valuable candid feedback but your question reveals that you are unaware of all that that feedback communicates. Instead of getting his thought as a consideration you bought into it as though it were a deal-breaker. It was in fact a great opportunity to demonstrate outrageous spontaneous humor.

Stand up and say:
  • “Timid? HOW'S THIS FOR TIMID, YOU PUNK? How’s that? I assure you I have the ability to cycle in and out of all emotions when it’s appropriate.”
Here’s a question for you: Which would you hire? A person, who on her second interview, says—

“Thank you for your candor during my first interview. You’re were very perceptive. Quite often my demeanor in the presence of authority is deference. If I may speak up for myself; I am absolutely clear that I would be great for this job. I’ve read that it’s easier to supervise a timid person than one who is stuck in ego or false self-confidence. Normally I’d say that your concern would be justified but with me you can be certain that I am open to feedback and when appropriate I am totally willing to say what needs to be said so as to get the job done. I am committed to personal growth, in fact I plan on spending a week at Outward Bound.”

or— someone who goes back in and tries all the obvious interview tricks, further revealing her inability to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, verbally, what’s so, in the now.

Replacing a timid act with a confident act ultimately won't work.

As with aiming for your ideal personal relationship so too, in aiming for the perfect job, you must be willing to not have it. If the interviewer can handle and appreciate the truth then you have indeed found the perfect company to work with.

You would do well to spend some time with a communication skills coach. Ask for support in creating a context for communication to take place.

For example: You'd say to the interviewer: “Before we begin I’d like to say up front that I have a tendency to come across as timid and wimpy but I assure you it’s just part of my survival act.”

The mind (of the interviewer) when it hears that sentence, to be right, (the purpose of the mind is to cause itself to survive, it does this by making itself right and others wrong) will say to itself, “She’s not timid. Timid is not necessarily bad. I sure wouldn’t not hire someone because they were timid.” The interviewer would have all these thoughts within a nano-second. It disarms them. They simply would not be able to use timid as the sole reason for not hiring you; it would be discriminating, which the mind believes it's not.

A coach can, within a three-hour consultation, support you in recalling the very first time you used timid to survive—since then you’ve been on automatic with your timid manipulation act. There’s a lie in your memory of that first incident, that communication, it runs you to this day. Your integrity will continually set it up to get feedback about timid and shy until you recreate that communication. When you tell the truth the problem disappears.

BTW: A timid act causes (condones) abuse. It attracts and rewards controlling enablers. A timid person withholds his/her judgments; such a person cannot be trusted to say what's on his/her mind. A timid act controls others with condoning silence. The controller comes to resent the timid person who puts up with abuse.

Great letter. Lots of people will see themselves in it. —Thank you, Gabby

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