#101 Family feud at school where both mom and son work

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Gabby
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#101 Family feud at school where both mom and son work

Post by Gabby » Sat Dec 08, 2007 11:31 pm

101 Family feud causing strain at school where both mom and son work / How do I mend relationship with son?

Dear Annie: For the past year, our son and his wife of three years have chosen not to be part of our family. We all made mistakes, but anything we do now is interpreted as evil. He refuses to talk things over. He blocks all calls and e-mails and sends back gifts I mail to their children. I haven't seen my grandchildren in over a year.

My son teaches at the school where I substitute and won't have any communication with me. He sees me and turns in the other direction. He won't eat lunch if he knows I am in the cafeteria. I try not to cause problems for him but it truly hurts for him to ignore me the way he does.

Should I quit subbing at this school? I've taught here for 13 years and enjoy seeing the kids, and some of my friends still teach here. It is obviously causing a lot of strain. —Stressed Mom

Dear Mom: We don't know what happened to cause such an estrangement, but it's possible the breach can be patched up if someone will act as an intermediary. If your school has a counselor, make an appointment to discuss this and also ask the counselor to talk to your son and find out what you need to do to make things better. The counselor may be willing to get involved for the sake of the school. Two teachers who cannot get along create tension for everyone, including the students.—Annie

Gabby's Reply

Hi Stressed Mom: I do get that it hurts, however, what perpetuates the hurt is that there's a lie in the way you're describing the situation.

Even though it could be difficult for you to get as you read this, you are to be congratulated. You have taught your son well. He has chosen a most difficult and commendable path, one consistent with the advice of most therapists— i.e. "If your intention is to have an abuse-free life then remove yourself from relationships that trigger abuse, especially your parents." Now would be a good time to accept credit for teaching him how to extract himself from relationships that don’t work. Given your unconscious addiction to blame and make-wrong he chooses to not interact with you so as to not create even more abuse.

Re: “I try not to cause problems for him.” This is a lie. When on a date and the other says “no” and one persists, it’s called date rape. You refuse to honor his non-verbal communication, “No communication.” You emotionally and psychically stalk him continually making his life even more miserable. Worse yet, you attempt to make him feel guilty—forgetting that it was you who drove him out of your life.

Notice that your letter does not mention what you did to drive him out of your life. Instead you wrote, “. . . our son and his wife of three years have chosen not to be part of our family.” This is what’s referred to as covert blame. It’s further evidenced by your repeated use of the word “we” instead of I, and your blame statement, “He refuses to talk things over.” A responsible person would have written, “I’ve lost my ability to communicate with my son. I’ve driven him out of my life. I even find myself blaming him for not wanting to interact with me.”

You ask, “Should I quit subbing at this school?” You already know the answer. It doesn’t matter whether or not you were there first; in your universe you’re the one who messed up your relationship with him. If you keep interacting with and around children you will teach them (non-verbally of course), as you have your son, how to treat their parents.

One clue is the fact that you wrote to a columnist rather than asking your parents; complete your relationship with both of them and you'll transform your relationship with your son.

BTW: He’s smart to keep you away from his children because you’d only impart your adversarial way of communicating, you’d accidentally teach them to create friction. One visit from a grandparent addicted to abuse imprints a child for life. Think of your unconscious emanations as the psychic seductive vibrations directed towards an impressionable child made by a visiting leering pedophile. The child doesn’t know what happened—they just aren’t the same thereafter.

One thing you have yet to learn, and so you couldn’t teach him, is that there is a responsible way to estrange (recess) oneself from an abusive relationship. Dumping you as he has is abusive, ultimately it won’t work for him. He’s dragging anger and blame into interactions with everyone throughout each and every day. Your very presence, without opening your mouth, triggers him to behave the way he does. You can of course facilitate his transformation by healing yourself. Once you get off of your position, the one that causes him to shun and resist you, he’ll begin to see his responsibility in the matter. My guess is that once you completely back off, to the extent that he doesn’t get his daily fix of resentment-generated adrenaline, he’ll have no one to fight/resist. Then he’ll start dramatizing his unresolved anger with his wife.

Now here’s the cool part. You have an opportunity to begin the advanced communication mastery curriculum for parents. Seek out a communication-skills coach and ask for a consult, it's free. If you are willing to let go of your relationship with your son you can begin to learn how to create space for satisfying communications with him. You have to begin from the point of view that unbeknownst to you the genius in you has created this situation for an as yet unknown purpose. A coach will support you in completing your relationship with your son, and your son will learn from you. A very good beginning is to ask yourself, who in your life would say that you’re treating them as your son is you? As you’ve noticed, it has hurt them. With aloha, Gabby

PS: Here's another letter that might be of value for you.

Lasted edited 12/25/16

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