#100 Friend won’t take sides in couple’s fights / Am I enabling them in abusing each other?
DEAR ABBY: I am close friends with a couple I'll call "Angie" and "Gil." I met them at the same time and have always been unattached while they are a married couple. This didn't matter, and we hit it off right away.
The problem is, when Angie gets mad at Gil for whatever reason, she wants me to be mad, too. She thinks I should take sides, and this makes me uncomfortable because they are both my friends. Gil has never asked me to take sides with him.
Angie has gone so far as to request that I ignore any attempts by Gil to contact me if they are fighting. (He never does.) I feel bad for him and like I am betraying a friend by agreeing to do as she asks. I don't know how to explain to her that as they are both my friends, I would rather be left out of their arguments and not have to choose sides.
Am I wrong to be friends with a couple? Is this inviting trouble because I am single? —EXASPERATED IN IOWA
DEAR EXASPERATED: There is nothing wrong with a single person being friendly with a married
couple. It is only "inviting trouble" when one of them is as immature and controlling as Angie appears to be.
My advice is to put Angie on notice that you will not accept being drawn into their arguments—and if she cannot respect the fact that you prefer to remain neutral, you will have to distance yourself from both of them.
Gabby's Reply
Hi Exasperated: Great letter. You’ve discovered that you are an enabler. All couples who communicate abusively with each other have one or more friends/relatives who enable the abuse. That is to say, one either supports (inspires) harmony or one supports (condones) friction; both results are a by-product of one’s leadership communication skills.
This situation mirrors for you, brings and keeps to the front of your mind, a childhood incomplete between you and your parents. Unbeknownst to you you have taken sides. You just communicate your position nonverbally, as does Gil. This infuriates Angie.
What we’re really looking at here is your observation of the fights (stressful situations) between your parents. Not unlike a cameraman you cannot but affect the process. You saw what appeared to be one parent being more argumentative (or passive) than the other but because you love them both you didn’t know how to share your experience of their manipulations, their disagreements. “This doesn’t feel good. I’m going outside.” Or, with your friends, “It's best I go home now.”
What’s also true is that you have an inaccurate understanding of responsibility.
For example: If I were to ask Gil what he does to upset Angie, he would, after a few hems and haws and blaming denials, finally tell me. That is to say, he uses his leadership-communication skills to goad and upset her, to get back at her for other incidents (it’s never ever what either say the upset is about). He does it in such as way as to make her look like a badmouthing complainer. Both are being abusive to each other and to you for dumping fights in your space. He shuts down communication with her. This prevents her from communicating through to mutual satisfaction about certain subjects. They are both stuck in controlling the other. She thinks she has no recourse but to reach out—if not to you it would be a counselor or even the police. Notice that she does not ask you, "Can you help me identify what I do to start these arguments?" You’re missing the nonverbal and psychic emanations from him that trigger (goad) her anger. Because of your misunderstanding about responsibility you don’t know enough to say to her, “Please stop. This doesn’t feel good. In my relationships I start all the fights. It’s simply irresponsible of me to badmouth and blame another for my upsets. Would you like me to sit down with the both of you and resolve this?”
In other words, they have set you up to acknowledge them verbally about this warped way of relating, to support them in being whole and complete. They both have childhood incidents that need to be acknowledged and completed. They both need equal amounts of individual and couple-counseling/coaching. Both are in fact unconsciously masterminding a divorce right under your nose. You enable both of them to treat each other as they do. What’s worse is you enable Angie in blaming Gil for the fights she starts with him, worse, you condone with your silence, her trying to enroll you in a lie—that she’s right and he’s wrong.
Re: “Gil has never asked me to take sides with him.” Not verbally, however, the fact that you continue to relate with him leaves him with the impression that you think it’s OK for him to treat her as he does. Your continued relationship with him empowers him in abusing her.
This is a great training for you. It reveals that you are not ready for a permanent relationship. You haven’t made a commitment to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, else you would have brought this matter up with them. You haven't brought this up with them—for reasons. You'll manufacture reasons to not speak about certain subjects with your partner. Until you commit to living from integrity you will create the same kinds of drama in your relationships for life. One of the benefits that will come from this, once you bring up this topic with them, is that you will create space for your friends to support you when you’re stuck, else they too will stand by pretending that they are not responsible.
Who in your life would say that you have played both of their roles? Which parent is/was most like Gil and which is/was most like Angie?
With aloha, Gabby